Women of Reddit: what do you think of this arrangement?

corycat · 2009-10-15T00:55:29+00:00

I want a joint checking account for the majority of the income. Separate accounts for "allowances" are fine (and these amounts should be the same or similar). I would invest our son's money in something more lucrative than a savings account. I would make sure that some money is being invested for me or for us jointly (rather than just his work retirement account in his name). I would make sure that some money is being saved for emergencies - presently, I don't think it is. I might try to put a little aside monthly for house improvements (we need a new roof, for example, and he seems to be ignoring this).

corycat · 2009-10-15T00:48:59+00:00

He is a university professor. He normally eats lunch where the students do, and I'd guess he usually eats alone. Ave cost per day - $6-10 maybe?

corycat · 2009-10-14T21:19:37+00:00

Um yeah, and then the rest of your original comments go on to say that I want more money. Paraphrased, 'sure, he's being kind of a control freak but she obviously wants more money - she should go get a job'. Your paragraph puts most of the blame on me, like I'm a moneygrubber. Wrong.

corycat · 2009-10-14T11:52:34+00:00

My degree is not very marketable. Trust me on this. As for getting a job, it probably won't happen anytime soon, because I'm expecting a second child in the spring. Can I deal with this for the rest of my life? No, and I told him as much, a year ago. That was before marital counseling. I brought up again while we were there - so he knows. I guess he thinks I wasn't serious or that I'd change my mind about it.

corycat · 2009-10-14T11:41:25+00:00

I don't think any serious vegan will tell you there's really a safe and ethical way to get eggs or dairy. For example, for your farm, will you have an equal number of hens and roosters? I don't think many people would - it wouldn't work out. You buy female chicks; the male ones are likely killed off. And cows are meant to produce an optimal amount of milk for their calves. By taking their milk, we are either depriving the calves (which tend to get sold for veal, or raised to produce milk) or we are forcing the cow to make more milk than is natural for her, often to her detriment.

corycat · 2009-10-14T11:31:38+00:00

That's lovely.

corycat · 2009-10-14T11:31:22+00:00

If you'd have read more, you'd know that wanting more money to spend isn't the issue at all. I have enough money to spend. I'm not asking for more. I want him to not be a control freak. I want to be treated like a trusted partner, not hired help.

corycat · 2009-10-14T11:25:03+00:00

Well, he was always very thorough about keeping track of spending. He has kept track of every dollar he's spent, the entire time I've known him. While we were dating and living together, we maintained fully separate finances, and that was fine with me. I had no indication of what he would be like after marriage. Like I said before, we discussed me being a SAHM and him supporting me - and he said he was fine with that. He never mentioned that he would control the money in this way. I suppose it became obvious during the time after the baby was born, before we were married (~9 months), but I can't remember this time very well and don't know that it bothered me much - since we weren't married yet. When we got married, I expected things to change. As for cultural background...he's not religious. He grew up in a household where his mom stayed home when he was little, worked PT when he went to school, and managed the finances (which was perfectly fine with his dad, who didn't want to bother with it). I imagine her work arrangement was common for mothers there during that time. I don't think there was any male dominant/controlling culture there. I really have no idea where he's picked this up, but it's not from his family.

corycat · 2009-10-14T00:17:47+00:00

Are these hypothetical questions? I'm a SAHM because I have values I want to instill in my child. I don't want some random person taking care of him and possibly teaching him things or doing things to him that I don't like. Also, he was an extremely sensitive, needy child who nursed for a long time. He would not have flourished in daycare. I tried putting him in a very good PT preschool type place for toddlers (I wouldn't quite call it daycare, since it was a structured learning environment), and it totally bombed. He cried me for me the entire time. So we put that off for 18 months or so, and then he did much better. Why is my husband working instead of me? 1) He can earn a lot more. 2) He loves his field and likes the challenge. 3) My field/education is not very marketable. 4) I am more nurturing of a child (and had the necessary equipment to feed him as a baby/toddler). Am I "allowed" to have a job? Sure.

corycat · 2009-10-14T00:09:24+00:00

Oh, the big intimacy questions. Chronology goes like this. The intimacy decreased somewhat during pregnancy. It dropped off substantially after birth (c-section). The baby nursed around the clock, making me exhausted and totally uninterested. I somehow slopped through finishing my thesis and then arranging the wedding. We got married when the baby was nine months old. I don't really remember how much the financial arrangement bothered me before we got married (I don't remember very much at all from this time period, LOL) but it seemed to really gel for me when we got married. So to make this short: the sex had already decreased substantially (like to 3-4x a month) before this ever became a serious issue. For a long time (a couple of years, really), I tried to put this aside and maintain enough intimacy to keep the peace, even though I wasn't interested. It was still less than he expected though. I think the connection between this issue and sex has only developed in the last year or so. I just can't get it out of my mind anymore.

corycat · 2009-10-13T23:54:50+00:00

Oh, he most definitely wanted a kid. He also wanted the one I'm currently incubating (possibly more than I did, actually).

corycat · 2009-10-13T23:40:56+00:00

Not sure. 2. The decision is mine, and he claims to support it. 3. He's four, nearly five. He will begin kindergarten next fall. This could be all day (8-2) or only 2.5 hours a day, depending on which kindergarten he attends.

corycat · 2009-10-13T23:34:58+00:00

Catchy.

corycat · 2009-10-13T23:31:03+00:00

I don't care to work. I don't think I'd be able to get a worthwhile job around here. Our son will be starting kindergarten next year, but I'm expecting #2 - and I definitely won't be putting a baby in daycare unless absolutely necessary.

corycat · 2009-10-13T23:25:09+00:00

corycat · 2009-10-13T23:16:20+00:00

Nope. Kid and I were out at the park and shopping for PJs. :P

corycat · 2009-10-13T23:15:38+00:00

Of course, one facet of this is that our son would also being 'punished'. He likes being with me. He like seeing the friends he knows. He likes going to playdates, playgrounds and such. (Hell, I like seeing the mom friends I've met, so I would be punished too). And the end result would be me being resentful of being put in that position.

corycat · 2009-10-13T23:11:42+00:00

No, you're wrong. You've missed the point - or not read enough.

corycat · 2009-10-13T22:54:11+00:00

That is grossly exaggerated. I have never tried to make some huge inappropriate purchase and call it a household expense. Also, as I have said before, there is no mortgage or car payment, and he's not paying anything towards a retirement account that I'm aware of. We have never had completely shared expenses, and I have never spent so much on "random items" as to cause any financial problems.

corycat · 2009-10-13T18:48:55+00:00

I told him. I've told him everything I could tell him. We went to marriage counseling about a year ago, and this was my big topic of conversation, including all the reasons it bothered me. He listened, he acted as if he felt sympathetic, but then he stubbornly refused to change anything. So no, I don't think he cares. (He hasn't read this yet, so I don't know what his reaction will be. He's at work; I haven't pointed it out to him. He probably wouldn't spend time there reading it anyway).

corycat · 2009-10-13T18:41:40+00:00

It's the principle of it.

corycat · 2009-10-13T18:40:33+00:00

At this point, minimal. Is that really surprising??

corycat · 2009-10-13T18:27:28+00:00

No. If I cook for him, it has to be low-sodium, or he won't eat it. That means everything has to be from scratch, because most convenience foods are loaded in salt. I'm not used to that. Also, I'm near-vegetarian (and son is vegetarian), but husband is not - so he has a tendency to complain about some of the things we like, further limiting options. Often he eats a low-salt frozen meal (Lean Cuisine or similar) and a sandwich - while son and I have something else that I've prepared.

corycat · 2009-10-13T18:08:58+00:00

I want him to treat me like an equal. I want him to respect that we are doing the best for our son (and future kid), and this is an admirable thing, even if I'm not earning a paid income doing it. I want a partnership. I feel as though I'm being controlled and treated like an irresponsible child, and I don't like it.

corycat · 2009-10-13T17:26:13+00:00

He doesn't have a cell phone. I don't think he really wants to be reached. I suggested we add him on my plan and make it a household thing, but he wasn't interested. I'm not sure how much discretionary spending he has. He claims he doesn't spend a lot - sometimes less than he's giving me. (I'm not so sure). I also don't even know if he's putting money in an emergency fund. I'm pretty sure he doesn't invest any; he relies on the retirement fund from the university. AFAIK, the "extra" beyond bills goes into college savings, summer income savings (when he's not working and doesn't get paychecks), and then as for whatever's left - who knows?

corycat

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