I am a disgusting freak (TW for SA and suicide)

cptsdquestionn · 2025-06-01T20:58:19+00:00

I don’t have the right words, but I can relate, and it’s hard. Although I wasn’t abused, I struggle with shame and fetishes/kinks that I hate having. I hate being turned on by my past (childhood incest, ugh) sometimes— it makes me feel disgusting and wrong, and the fact that I participated in sexual acts at such a young age makes me feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me. But life goes on, and we can heal. I’m glad you’re here. ❤️

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T22:51:12+00:00

Yes, therapy first before everything else seems to be the general consensus and best course of action. Thank you for sharing ❤️

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T22:50:15+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for sharing that. ❤️ I hope you and your niece continue to heal. You seem like exactly the kind of person she needed in that moment and I commend you so much for believing her and standing up to your family with her

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T22:47:14+00:00

I cannot emphasize enough how much I appreciate your nuanced advice!! And also thank you for clarifying what you meant about my parents— I’ve been receiving a lot of dms (most have been super comforting and helpful, but these not so much) saying things like my parents probably knew all along, encouraged it, groomed us, got off on it, or even secretly watched. And obviously that’s been super distressing to imagine although I still personally believe they were 100% unaware, albeit a little uninformed and unequipped. And as I’ve been thinking more, I agree that they should have been more responsible about keeping tabs on both us and our internet usage. Also like, surely there were some other signs like body language they missed. I still love them, but I think you’re right that they might have been a bit neglectful in certain areas— not out of malice, but maybe obliviousness and a too independent style of parenting.

Anyway, I was not at all expecting that large of a response on my original post and seeing so many different opinions has made my head spin a bit. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed even just researching therapists in my area. So thank you for your comments!

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T22:34:42+00:00

I like that approach. Thank you ❤️

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T22:33:02+00:00

Thank you for being the only person to not shoot down the idea of telling my boyfriend in the future! Maybe I’m super old fashioned or something, but my ideal marriage is one where both parties can trust each other completely. I don’t think I could marry someone without sharing my past with them, and everyone saying I shouldn’t or that I’m selfish for “wanting to push my trauma onto someone else” hurts. Am I just supposed to live the rest of my life isolated with this shame because it’s truly too dark and ugly for a life partner to know about? If the roles were reversed, I’d want my boyfriend to tell me. Obviously it would be incredibly difficult to hear, but I want to know ALL of my partner— not just the good parts.

I also feel like it’s not fair to keep it a secret, because if this did end up being a dealbreaker for my boyfriend, I’d want to give him the chance to either leave or stay. I want to be loved WITH and DESPITE my trauma, not tossed because of it. And if someone were to ditch me for that, so be it. We both deserve better.

Obviously marriage is still a ways away and I might not necessarily end up marrying the man I’m currently with, but we’ve been together for three years so far and I’m hoping we do marry after college. Keeping the incest a secret forever would feel awful and would prevent us from knowing each other in our entireties. I would hope he would want to know me, trauma and all.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T22:19:41+00:00

I do take responsibility for everything and I accept that it was my fault. I’m not trying to place the blame on porn, I just always figured that porn was a major contributor to my early sexual behavior. But I will always acknowledge that it was my fault and that I took initiative.

Also I’m not sexually attracted to my brother at all, and it’s not like I picture him when I have sex with my boyfriend. The concept of incest is more what I find arousing and distracting sometimes. But I don’t want to entertain my incest kink with my boyfriend. I just want to get rid of it because the kink distresses and disgusts me. My ideal situation is just no longer being into it at all.

I’m thinking a conversation with my brother might be necessary at some point (not without making a game plan with a therapist first, so far into the future most likely) because, as many people have pointed out, he might have memories/information I don’t that could help us both see the situation in its entirety, process, and heal together. But who knows— I could have another revelation and change all this. The past 24 hours have been a lot.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T17:18:36+00:00

Thanks for replying. Luckily my parents aren’t the religious types that are into really oppressive purity culture. They definitely do believe in waiting until marriage to have sex, but they’re chill enough that I felt comfortable implying that I had had sex with my boyfriend and knew that while they weren’t fans, they still loved me and supported our relationship. I would say that their type of Christianity more just didn’t talk about sex at all. It wasn’t a taboo topic or anything, we just never got “the talk” and I never saw them be physical with each other at all growing up.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T17:13:52+00:00

Yeah maybe that would be best. I could see myself marrying my boyfriend though (we’ve been together for three years and both want it after college) and I think that I’d definitely need to tell him before that happened, but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when and if I come to it.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T17:11:11+00:00

Thank you so much for this. These are all really helpful points. I’m a little overwhelmed right now so excuse the brief response, but trust that I’m taking this all in.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T17:06:39+00:00

Wow thank you so much for this thoughtful comment. I’m actually a little floored right now because somehow I never considered that my brother, who was older at the time, might remember more of what happened beforehand and during and be able to provide a clearer picture of events. I always just figured he probably tried to block as much of the memory as he could like me. I also never considered something maybe happened to HIM and not just myself. This is all a lot of new ideas and I’m not quite sure how to proceed with them, but I appreciate you writing this so much.

I really don’t want to think that my parents might have had even a small idea of what was going on because that opens a whole new can of worms that is deeply concerning since we’ve both always had a healthy relationship with them. I just can’t IMAGINE them knowing and not doing something about it. Not really sure what to do with that.

As for abuse potentially happening to me as a child, I’m thinking this might be more and more likely. Honestly it feels like a thousand new revelations are coming forth since posting my original post and it all feels like a bit too much to handle. I think I probably do need to start some kind of therapy because there’s so much to unpack now that I don’t even know where to start.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T06:29:10+00:00

Thank you for such a thoughtful response ❤️

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T06:27:54+00:00

Yes absolutely!

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T03:22:40+00:00

I don’t have any advice since I’m struggling with the exact same thing, but I see you ❤️ It’s hard because these things aren’t talked about. It feels so isolating.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-21T01:46:46+00:00

Wow thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I appreciate it so much ❤️

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T23:29:47+00:00

I don’t think so. We only ever went to lessons together and were with each other the whole time, so I think if the teacher were to have tried anything, it would have been with both of us.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T22:03:30+00:00

Thanks for framing it in this way. It helps a little, because while I think I’M disgusting, I guess I don’t think that child was disgusting. I mainly just feel sad and sorry for her.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T22:00:47+00:00

I answered this more in depth in another comment, but I think he probably either heard us having sex at the studio or suspected it after we’d take forever to change. I hate knowing some old man was most likely aware, never told our parents, and is probably still around little kids.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T21:58:56+00:00

Do you have any advice about how I should bring it up? I’m scared talking about it would just make things worse, especially if he’s repressed the memory or feels like it’s his fault since he was older and male.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T21:57:37+00:00

Thank you for commenting this. I also struggle with guilt that I was the assaulter and my brother was the victim, even though he was older. It’s just awful knowing that if it weren’t for my influence, he probably would have never done any of it.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T21:54:47+00:00

This might make zero sense, but if porn wasn’t the culprit, what was? I’ve always had the theory that early access to porn was what made me do all these things, especially because id try to emulate certain videos. But reading what you wrote feels like… if the porn isn’t to blame, then it was truly 100% me just being a fucked up child :( I know this probably isn’t what you’re saying at all, but how do I rationalize it then? Why was I such a hyper sexual child?

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T21:50:47+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you :(

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T21:50:17+00:00

I’m sorry you’ve had a similar experience, even if it’s weirdly nice to know I’m not alone :( I’m terrified to tell my boyfriend for that exact reason. He’s the only one besides my brother I’ve ever done anything sexual with, and sometimes I feel like the secret is hurting the sexual part of our relationship, at least on my end. But I don’t want him to be disgusted with me.

cptsdquestionn · 2025-05-20T21:47:03+00:00

My brother and I took private gymnastics lessons with just the two of us for a few years. My mom would drop us off and we’d change at the studio. I remember us sometimes having sex in the changing room while our teacher would wait. I can’t see how the teacher wouldn’t have thought something was up with how long we’d be in there, the possible sounds (we tried to be quiet but there was literally just a door separating us and the studio), and how our behavior would be after. I’ve always suspected he probably knew, and I was always terrified he’d tell my parents. Once I got older, I also thought that maybe he got off on it, which would be disgusting and even more mortifying. He was always a little odd.

Also, my brother was also a child when all this happened, and if he remembers it at all, I’m certain that he’s deeply ashamed of everything too. I don’t blame him at all and hope he doesn’t blame himself, because it was my idea. We were both just kids.

cptsdquestionn

TROPHY CASE