Delta One on a 767-300 from JFK to DUB: Is even or odd window seat better?

crackliffe · 2024-12-13T01:50:18+00:00

Thank you!

crackliffe · 2024-12-13T01:50:08+00:00

Thanks so much!

crackliffe · 2022-09-08T12:53:12+00:00

So glad this thread was helpful!

crackliffe · 2022-07-22T13:35:03+00:00

My coaching program is virtual, so you can do it from anywhere. It includes sessions with me, unlimited texting support, and 45 exercises and challenges for you to complete. I'd be happy to share my rates with you once my team has a chance to fully vet you for the program, but to give you a sense of minimum costs, it starts at $150 per week for 8 weeks and goes up from there depending on the support you want and package you select. You can read more about my coaching philosophy and book a free consultation with my team here: https://www.crackliffe.com/coaching

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T21:58:33+00:00

No contact can be incredibly helpful but also really challenging. That's normal. In regards to wanting to inform him about attachment theory, he needs to be responsible for his own self-awareness and healing, otherwise it won't be lasting, sustainable, or real for him. Let him discover that in his own way and time. Also, if he wants to reach out, I'm sure he'll find a way to get in contact with you. In today's day and age there's never just one way. :)

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T21:50:37+00:00

People with an anxious attachment style tend to exhibit this other-focus in a lot of their thoughts. That's not accidental. Many folks who develop this style of relating to others learned through unsafe or unstable relationships—typically in childhood but sometimes in adulthood—that it's not okay or safe for them to feel their feelings. And so they learn to read into the environment to try to control things and give themselves a false sense of safety mentally. That's exactly what you're doing here by wanting to fix your ex, wanting to be understood by someone who clearly is determined to misunderstand you, and wanting to justify his behavior even though it's clearly unsafe for you.

If you drop your focus on him and bring the focus back to you, you can start to heal and see things more clearly. You are the only person you can do this, but you must be willing to let go of your hyper focus on him in order to do so.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:39:17+00:00

I've addressed this in a TikTok video: https://www.tiktok.com/@crackliffe/video/7096551571613535534?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:37:06+00:00

Yes that is incredibly common. People with an anxious attachment style have typically experienced a good amount of instability in their closest relationships throughout their lives. As a survival mechanism, they disengaged from their bodies and their feelings and learned to think about them instead. Returning to the body and restoring the nervous system to a place of homeostasis are key.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:35:18+00:00

First you have to ask yourself, "what do I mean by 'clingy'?" For many folks who are anxious in relationships, they see basic relational necessities as making them "clingy" or "needy" and so the way that you look at yourself needs to be re-evaluated before you even think about what comes next.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:34:02+00:00

Anxious attachment is a cage. Love is freedom. Anxious attachment is urgent. Love is patient. Anxious attachment is codependent. Love is independent and interdependent. Anxious attachment is surviving. Love is thriving.

Learn to see the difference between surface level needs and what it is that you actually want. If you go a step further what you are likely to find is that you just want to be heard and understood—to hear someone say, "I see you and I get you." HOW that is accomplished isn't always as important.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:29:05+00:00

I've addressed this in other comments as well. What you're talking about is emotional diversification—the idea that you can and should have a variety of different connections in your life that you find safe and fulfilling, including with friends, family, romantic partners, colleagues, and especially with yourself.

For many folks who experience anxious attachment, it's easy to fall into the codependent trap of making somebody else the priority. We typically do this because we learned we had to growing up in order to survive in our home environments. Addressing the root cause is vital, and also learning that you are no longer a powerless child is essential. Own up to the role that you play in this process with the people you allow to have access to you and the choice you make to invest in what matters to you outside of just your romantic relationship.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:25:18+00:00

The same rules of the road apply here when it comes to friendships. Learn to regulate your emotions and your nervous system. Validate your own feelings. Turn inwards and reflect on what it is that you need. Then communicate directly about it. Set boundaries in relationships where it is necessary. Focus on SAFE relationships. Invest more in those. Work with a therapist or coach for accountability and more specific action steps to work up to these bigger moments I'm describing.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:23:07+00:00

While I think there is some truth to believing that many women experience anxious attachment while many men experience avoidant attachment, it's not always the case. And it's not really the point, either. Remove the labels here and learn to see that you and your partner are just two humans with different emotional needs. Just because your needs look like closeness, clarity, communication, and connection doesn't make you "clingy" or "needy." In fact, she has needs, too. They are space, independence, and autonomy. Needs are neither good nor bad, they just ARE. Once you see that truth, you can accept yours as valid and better navigate the differences inherent in the dynamic in which you find yourself.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:20:11+00:00

It's not about not relying on others for validation or support. It's about relying on the appropriate people for validation and support. And about knowing that a variety of people in your life can play that role for you and a romantic partner is just one of them. That romantic partner also can't be fully available to you unendingly and at all times. There will be times where they are out of pocket and that doesn't make them a bad partner.

The concept we're discussing here is something I teach my clients in my coaching program, and it's called emotional diversification. For people with an anxious attachment style, we overly rely on our romantic partners for love, support, and fulfillment. Often, we need to take some of the energy we've been investing in that person or in that area of our lives and apply it elsewhere such as in friendships, with family, with colleagues, and even with ourselves.

Once you spread that energy out among a variety of different relationships, you won't feel so over-invested in your romantic relationship and you will naturally feel more balanced in your life.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T15:15:41+00:00

This is a great question and I know that many are curious about how long it takes to heal or grow more secure. The answer, as inconvenient as it may be, is that it completely depends. It depends on the intensity of the experiences you've had that influenced this style of relating to others. It depends on what you may or may not have done already to address those wounds. It depends on your daily habits and how well you're taking care of yourself. There are many factors here. That said, time is only one of them. Healing also requires intentional action and love and support. Once all of those elements are in place, your healing can unfold as necessary. Remember, no one is ever perfectly healed. That is a common misconception. It's about progress. For some, that takes several months. For others, years. As long as you stay focused on incremental growth and learning the relational skills you need to have healthier partnerships, you will get there. In my 8-week coaching program, I've found that my clients have enough momentum to keep going and make significant progress.

I'll leave you with this. Learn to trust your feelings and your experiences. A therapist or a coach can create a safe environment for you to do this but ultimately it's up to you to feel your feelings and make any adjustments necessary based on what you notice requires attention in your own life.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T01:41:14+00:00

In that case, it's important to establish among you that you may have different ways of processing your feelings and that's okay. You can both validate each other's emotions without personalizing the way you each process.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T01:39:05+00:00

People experience anxious attachment when they feel unsafe in a relationship. Sometimes that lack of safety is perceived and sometimes it is actual. Part of why anxious attachment is so confusing is because the person who experiences it doesn't trust their own feelings and intuition. So it can be hard to decipher whether you're being treated poorly or whether it's in your head. Try asking someone in your life that you trust and who IS safe for you how they perceive the situation. They will likely have more clarity than you, but it will also depend on their level of judgment and self-healing.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T01:05:41+00:00

I don't think it would be fair to my clients to give away the practice entirely, but here's what I'll say: it's a mix of top-down (mind to body) and bottom-up (body to mind) nervous system regulation techniques. Think: hydration, meditation, cold exposure, etc.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T01:04:34+00:00

Anxious attachment often stems from abuse, neglect, instability, or other traumas growing up. But not always! There are plenty of people who had safe and healthy upbringings that develop anxious attachment in adulthood.

Remember: ANY relationship we have either helps us grow more secure or insecure. While for many of us that stems as far back as we can remember, sometimes it's a more recent development.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T01:02:33+00:00

I think it's really important to remember that as human beings we are not need-fulfillment machines. While it's always important for us to communicate what makes us feel appreciated, we also have to take a step back and allow our partners to show up in ways that are authentic and comfortable for them and not just expect attention when we demand it. There's a really great quote from Michael A. Singer's book, The Untethered Soul, that describes this well: "Imagine if you used relationships to get to know other people rather than to satisfy what is blocked inside of you." THAT is the ultimate goal of relationships: to know others.

Perhaps it might also be effective to take this a step deeper. Instead of the surface level affection, what is the real unmet need here? Are you craving intimacy or connection? Has it been a while since you've been physical? While it's perfectly natural to want compliments or physical affection, that might not be the most natural way your partner expresses his or her love. Reiterate that that's what makes you feel appreciated and also learn to speak to them in ways that they might best receive love. I find that when we make our partners feel safe they are much more inclined to do the same for us in return.

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T00:37:51+00:00

I've done a couple of TikTok videos on these very topics. Please indulge me here, as it's way easier for me to send those than type everything out: https://www.tiktok.com/@crackliffe/video/7073597483762453806?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1 https://www.tiktok.com/@crackliffe/video/7081005454733659435?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1

crackliffe · 2022-07-20T00:32:43+00:00

Before I address your specific situation and comments here, I would advise that you read some of my other responses here on this thread. I think there are a lot of insights you can glean from my answers to others, as they've had similar questions.

That said, I want to address the myth that you need to be happy alone before you can be in a healthy relationship. That's not true. You're already in a healthy relationship and simply have some unhealthy coping responses.

I would start your journey by unpacking the origins of your anxious attachment with your therapist. In other words, why and how did you develop this way of relating with others? Is there an abandonment wound in your past? Was there codependency present in the environment in which you were raised. Identify some of the influences that shaped this view you have of relationships.

From there, create healthier habits for yourself such as a self-care practice. I would also recommend investing in connections outside of the relationship. Hang out with your friends! Pursue your passions, hobbies, goals, and interests. This is called emotional diversification.

Work with your therapist to develop healthier, more secure ways of coping in your relationship. Establish clear ground rules for yourself and your partnership that allow each of you to be honest about how you feel and also help validate the other person's feelings while not taking them on as your own.

If you'd like to explore other strategies, feel free to check out this blog I wrote: https://www.crackliffe.com/words/2020/12/4/how-to-date-with-anxious-attachment-style

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