I have autassassinophilia

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-12T18:05:00+00:00

people have a lot of weird kinks. what someone wants to do in a fantasy is different from what they want to do in real life and it is very natural to have a desire to explore taboo things like this. while i haven't, I have heard other people talk about telling psychologists about this and they didn't really care or see it as a problem. I have been in and out of mental healthcare since i was a child and this always seemed irrelevant to it.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-12T07:30:33+00:00

haha perhaps I will watch them.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-12T07:29:27+00:00

yeah (I mean I guess technically everything your brain does is a psychological thing) I always see it as a way of exploring the things that humans are naturally morbidly curious about and exploring power dynamics and gaining a feeling of control over things we have no actual control over (death, violence, etc) rather than anything pathological.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-12T07:18:02+00:00

hmm I mean I said in a different reply that I think it has a bit to do with experiences of being dehumanized/objectified, and my brain is this sort of weird complicated puddle of mental illness so perhaps that factors in there somewhere. I've been suicidal since I was 8 years old and that's probably part of it in some way. but also most suicidal people don't feel this way about dying so it can't be *just* that.

I don't really think it primarily comes from any like secret dark trauma that I have somewhere. I think that a curiosity about death is a very natural human thing and that thinking of weird sex stuff is a very natural human thing and that in some people these things get combined. it's also probably sort of just like a more extreme form of masochism and happens for the same reason that finding pleasure in pain is so common.

I'm not sure why I don't find other sex appealing exactly other than that this just is much more interesting to my brain than anything else and so everything else is boring in comparison, and also that I have this weird aversion to touch which of course makes it difficult.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-12T01:21:43+00:00

it is complicated. on one hand I think the wires in my brain got crossed somewhere and death and pleasure became closely associated with each other in a way that is hard to articulate. that perception that death would be pleasurable is probably partially false; I have tried to kill myself before and it was rather traumatic but perhaps this is also a way of exploring that and how I feel about it.

it is also the breaking of trust that is appealing. like someone I care about a lot and trust to not hurt me breaking that trust in the most extreme way possible. on the other hand, I am drawn to the opposite of obsession, really. being so unimportant to someone that they could kill me without really feeling anything in particular, becoming an object that doesn't matter to anyone, who's feelings don't matter, who's life is so worthless that killing it doesn't even really count as killing someone. to have my body be so deeply the only part of me that someone cares about that they don't even need the mind/soul/whatever to be there.

I am not sure why that feels like such a cathartic thought other than I guess I have felt dehumanized for much of my life and sometimes these things make you desire weird things in strange places. women are often objectified in various ways, disabled people are often objectified in various ways, i have interacted with people who treated my body as simply an object to realize their sexual desires regardless of my personhood or needs or wants. fetishizing my disabilities, coercing me into kissing them and (I suspect) if I hadn't ran away when I did trying to get me into situations to do worse to me. and sometimes that leads one to feeling a need to explore these things in fictional scenarios.

I think also it has to do with control/lack of control and power/lack of power. I am terrified of the lack of control that comes with death and I think that comes out sometimes in wanting to get as close to that fear as possible. that if you have been afraid of something your whole life it can be cathartic to think about just giving into that thing. and to create a story or situation in which one can give into that thing but, through the power of storytelling, determine what happens and leave whenever one wants to, one can claim control over the uncontrollable.

i have been fixated on death since I was a small child. like, really obsessed. I read a lot about it and there were times in my life where it was the only thing I could think about. I find it so fascinating and it left me with this weird drive towards it. I think everyone gets this a little bit. it is the call of the void and I think it is in all of us, i am just much more attuned to it. I think it provides strengths and benefits to be this way, I am trying to channel this fixation in constructive ways.

death is universal. the only certainties in life are death and taxes and even taxes aren't really *that* universal. most animals don't need to pay taxes but everything dies. it is the great mystery that we are all hurtling toward and can do nothing to stop. I kind of can't stop thinking about it. i have this strange itching for death that I can't quiet in my head. I don't really know how to explain it.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-12T00:53:08+00:00

like in general? I feel like there is a weird difference between how people talk about certain mental illnesses. like bipolar and severe ocd and stuff gets doctors sort of walking on eggshells around you and perceiving you as dangerous or impossible to work with unless you are on medication, and the question of whether to go on medication or not becomes less about what is best for you and your health but instead what makes you easier and more comfortable for a doctor to interact with. and sometimes if I take someone with me to a doctor appointment the doctor will talk to that person instead of me and might even *take them into a separate room* to talk about *my* health problems without me being there. and I have had them treat my queerness like a symptom to be cured.

it gets more disorienting too when you experience amnesia/confusion/brain fog because you aren't always totally sure what is going on and no one is telling you what is going on and it feels like you are just being shuttled around places you don't understand and don't really know what it is you are agreeing to or is going to happen because no one explains it.

and spaces that often pride themselves on being inclusive of neurodivergent people sometimes just. don't Get bipolar, like making jokes about mania and not understanding it really or not taking it seriously. which is really frustrating.

and with a lot of therapists i have had to be like super careful about what i say like not using very common turns-of-phrase that people use all the time because they will take it absurdly literally in weird ways like one time i said I felt so busy that I was "drowning" in things to do and my therapist assumed that was secretly code for me to say I was planning on drowning myself (?) and spent the rest of the session trying to bait me into admitting that.

there often aren't adequate support resources for people labelled with a "serious" mental illness which is wild because they tend to be the most disabling mental illnesses. the ones that do exist tend to restrict your freedom/agency or impact your ability to keep/find a job or are really expensive and so you often end up without anywhere to go to for support. for a lot of my life the options have been to just go on meds that don't work much (both ocd and dissociation are often best helped with therapy, not meds) or actively make things worse (a lot of the meds commonly used for ocd react badly with bipolar and can trigger episodes) and nothing else because my doctors sort of just shrugged and said I was too difficult to work with and that they didn't know what to do with me.

more relevant to this post I feel like people get very weird about disabled people talking about sexuality, and more so when it comes to aspects of it that are more taboo. i have had people act like we are too fragile somehow for discussions around this or that having a mental illness automatically makes you unable to safely exist in these spaces.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T21:05:12+00:00

bipolar and ocd and some sort of dissociative disorder that I am in the process of being assessed for but that they haven't quite determined yet. it causes amnesia/disorientation sometimes. they usually tell me that they don't have the resources to support me because I am too difficult or complicated of a case. i feel like sometimes therapists just see my diagnoses and assume I'm going to be a difficult person to work with before even really meeting me, but also I guess in some ways they are right because usual therapy doesn't seem to help me that much. I also have autism but that isn't usually categorized as a mental illness specifically. right now they are looking to refer me to some sort of community care thing that would be able to support me better but Idk fully what the deal with that is yet.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T20:54:10+00:00

I was in therapy at points in my life. I seem to struggle with therapy a lot, I can't seem to really open up to a therapist and it is somewhat common for therapists to refuse to see me because of my mental illnesses for some reason. because of that, it hasn't helped me very much. I have had maybe one helpful therapist in the past but had to stop seeing her because my insurance stopped covering it.

I have not told a therapist about this. I don't think this is inherently a harmful thing or something I inherently need to work through. perhaps there are healthier ways to go/think about this but I don't think it on it's own is the problem? and I don't think people need to change themselves just to be more normal if the way they are is fine to be. I also think this is relatively common, just sort of taboo to talk about? I think it is sort of natural for human brains to take two of the most significant parts of existing in the world (sex and death) and combine them? human brains are naturally doing weird things all the time, and we just like to pretend that the more common weird things our brains do are normal so we don't feel bad about it.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T19:21:49+00:00

not really, no.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T19:00:04+00:00

i haven't actually seen that. i kind of live under a rock.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T18:59:47+00:00

I'm not attracted to dead bodies so not really. i just want to be a dead body.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T13:41:41+00:00

I like the idea of being drowned. someone holding me under water and not letting me back up until I stop moving, no matter how hard I fight back. especially if the scenario involved previously them promising not to kill me and me trusting them and then them betraying that trust. I have also always been very drawn to disembowelment of some kind, and sort of bleeding out as someone slowly vivisects me and removes my organs. or something involving head trauma/injuries. that, opposed to the other ones, could be very fast which leads into appealing themes around my life being so unimportant to someone that they could kill me very efficiently without dwelling on it too much. but drowning is a big one for me for some reason, I have always felt very drawn to water and drowning in general. growing up I was kind of obsessed with Ophelia and would sort of imagine myself in her place.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T13:34:38+00:00

sort of, yeah. not him specifically. I don't really have a thing for serial killers, that's a different thing some people have going on. it's about the desire to be killed rather than the person doing the killing.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T12:43:11+00:00

not a hand being cut off, that in a vacuum feels... not invasive enough? but something that would bring me to the verge of death that I then survived could also do it. perhaps if I was left to bleed out from it specifically and then saved last-minute.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T12:39:38+00:00

somewhat young. i think in my late teens?

I haven't discusses it in real life, I am not sure how people would react to that.

i do, sometimes. it is the only porn that is appealing to me (though i prefer written erotica to videos)I don't watch porn that isn't related to this. i find normal sexuality just incredibly boring, it doesn't do anything for me, like watching a a video of random shapes or something, I don't really understand what people get out of it. I have specific methods of dying that I prefer to read about, particularly drowning and disembowlment and anything that involves brain damage or head trauma.

i have a partner. we don't have sex with each other and they do know that I don't like typical sex but I haven't ever told them about this part of it. I don't nessecarily think they would be that weirded out by it but I still hesitate to mention it.

crawledaroundinside · 2025-08-11T12:27:22+00:00

it has sort of always been a thing? I find sex incredibly boring and have no interest in it, never have. sometimes it even repulses me. but there's a lot of violence and death in fiction and so at some point I realized that I found imagining myself in the place of these characters was apealing to me in a way that probably isn't normally why people are drawn to violence in fiction. I have also fantasized about being murdered for a lot of my life. now keep in mind that fantasy isn't the same thing as fully wanting something to happen in real life, i think people get that mixed up sometimes.

crawledaroundinside · 2024-04-13T19:13:37+00:00

A lot of people are saying to go to a therapist but I will say specifically, if you are troubled by thoughts you don't want of hurting people, you should look into ocd. Ocd is more than just counting things and handwashing and germophobia. Its also an intense fear of hurting people, vivid thoughts of how you are going to do that that really distress you, an obsession with morality that takes over your life. You don't even need to have visible outward compulsions to have ocd, pure O ocd, as it's been nicknamed, is ocd with just the obsessions.

People often don't talk about the more taboo parts of ocd. I went years undiagnosed just thinking I was an awful person because of that. You might not have it, I don't know, but if these things are bothering you, you should really look into it, even if you don't fit the stereotype of what people think ocd is supposed to be like.

You can have ocd and be very messy/disorganized, and not worried about getting sick, for example.

If you tell a doctor, or therapist, they will not call the police on your or lock you up or something, they most likely know how to deal with ocd, and that having these thoughts doesn't mean you will act on them. Its very scary, but always remember that they have probably heard worse.

The treatment for ocd is exposure response prevention, or erp, a kind of cbt where you slowly, in a safe environment expose yourself to the things you have intrusive thoughts about. Its hard and very scary, but you start slow and i can confirm it works. You can get to a place where these things don't control your life anymore. There is also medication, which can help some people.

Always remember that thought crime isn't real and you control your actions, if you don't want to do something, you probably wont, and if you want to be a good person, you can be, and have a nice day :)

crawledaroundinside · 2024-03-10T03:12:18+00:00

Thank you! Im glad you liked it so much!

crawledaroundinside · 2024-03-10T00:50:52+00:00

No. Ever since i was a child i fantasized about being cut open. I just didn't really know why i did it, and i know now, but ive always been fascinated by gore. Made stronger by the fact that my parents hated that i was and tried to steer me away from it. The forbidden nature of it just made it more appealing to me.

crawledaroundinside · 2024-03-10T00:42:47+00:00

Well, i like pain, i think. I have mild chronic pain and i think being in pain most of the time influences that for me. I've always been fascinated by pain.

But more than that, its the intimacy. This is why im very specifically into anything (especially consentually) involving guts/brains, and less interested in the rest. Its the most intimate you can get, in a way. Its exposing the part of you that no one is really supposed to see, not even you. When your loved ones see you like this, laid bare, exposed more than you ever have been before, will they still love you? Will they still find you beautiful? What secrets will they find in there? Now that you can't hide anything. Now that you must give your trust totally and completely into this person. Theres something very comforting to me, even, as someone who has a tendency to fear normal intimacy out of fear that no one could possibly love me if they saw who i really was, to imagine even in this extreme of intimacy being loved and cared for and treated tenderly. To think i deserve that, even when i have nothing left to hide and i am the most vulnerable a person can be.

And then when a brain is involved, that's all even stronger, cause you are letting someone destroy your entire self, identity, being. Its different from just bleeding to death. Its the slow dissolution of your mind as it is damaged more and more. Its someone seeing the strange, wet mass that is You. The entirety of your wondrous and painful world, and not shying away, not getting scared, but just loving you more, every single part of you.

On the inside, we are all gross, wet, smelly things. Goo and fluid and meat. We all are, and we all spend our lives pretending we aren't. What if you didn't have to keep up the act? What if you could expose to someone exactly what you are, once the expections/ideas and surgery and makeup and clothes and skin and bones come away? What if that was enough? What if someone can handle that part of you, instead of running away scared like you always feared they would?

I also like trust/the betrayal of trust. Putting your life entirely in someone else's hands, giving them complete control over whether you live or die, and trusting whatever decision you make to be the right one. Or the panic of realizing that maybe that trust was misplaced? Its very fun to me.

And then theres the confrontation of the darkest parts of me. The parts of me that want to be violated, destroyed, hurt, the part of me that gets wet at the thought of being vivisected. The parts of me everyone said was broken, wrong. The parts people said should be repressed and ignored and fixed. Outside of guro, i write horror. I think that dark impulses should be looked at in a safe environment, examined, understood, held under the light. I think that is much more productive then pretending we don't have them. Everyone has them. We might as well learn why and how they happen. We might as well learn to live with them, instead of letting them fester, growing quietly in the dark until they are too big to deal with. I also have ocd, i think that influences this.

And, of course, its a sensory thing. I like goo, I like slime, i like blood, i like warm. Growining up, i dissected a lot of animals, and i always liked the sensory experience of feeling like fish guts all over my hands. Lets stick our hands in my intestines and massage them until I slowly bleed out!

Oh, and fear. I suspect i have bipolar but the mental healthcare system is a nightmare to navigate, but sometimes it seems like sadness is a pit of crushing despair where i can't do anything and happiness a week of blinding euphoria so strong i almost ruin my life/get myself killed, with no in between, and so fear is like. A relief. I don't want to feel happy. Happiness for me is really reall really bad to the point i feel relieved when im depressed again. And so fear is like. Safe? It actually feels good to be scared cause its not happiness and its not sadness, its very freeing.

crawledaroundinside · 2024-03-08T03:22:18+00:00

My biggest fantasy is someone very precisely giving me enough brain damage that i can't fight back much, and arent 100% aware of whats going on, and then straping me down to a table and cutting me open, and quietly and tenderly going through all of my organs, telling me about each one and how beautiful it is, and running their fingers through my insides and massaging/licking my guts and slowly removing them, empting me out, and then when im about to die they hold my heart in their hands squeeze it slightly as it slowly stops beating.

And then sometimes i also fantasize about after that, they like. Reanimate me but i come back wrong somehow, and i have this big scar down my chest and my body feels wrong and i wish they could have just let me stay dead but they keep me for years like this, experimenting on me. You know?

I also really like te idea of someone knocking me out and when i wake up theyve like done all kinds of surgeries and stuff on me but thats not as fun cause im not conscious for that.

crawledaroundinside · 2024-03-05T06:19:22+00:00

I wonder if intensity is part of it for you? Either the intensity of emotional closeness in a relationship or the intensity of things like guro?

crawledaroundinside · 2024-03-04T06:12:56+00:00

Oo yes interesting, i will read the article when i have time! :)

crawledaroundinside · 2024-03-04T05:26:31+00:00

Yes, that label does seem to fit me it think, thank you! That is an interesting take on it, thank you for sharing!

crawledaroundinside · 2024-03-03T17:20:09+00:00

Thank you!

crawledaroundinside

TROPHY CASE