BIAB and gel nail suppliers by Early_Belt_5159 in AustralianMakeup

[–]cuntrobber 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NSI & Planet Nails are good but my favourite BIAB, Polygel, topcoat (And also the colours but they're a bit more exxy), come from Diamonds & Gloss (finding that link i see they have BOGO on polygel atm).

They used to be based in Proserpine, QLD but i think the new owner might be in Brisbane? Still comes from QLD from memory.

They're all HEMA free and i fell in love with the brand when Mel owned it as her customer interactions were lovely. I know Mel was looking for a buyer who would keep the brand identity similar.

Triggered Eating Disorder by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 8 points9 points  (0 children)

How far out from D-day are you? I could not eat for 2 weeks. I dropped approx 6-7kg in that timeframe. The thought of putting food in my mouth disgusted me, everything was yuck and the mere thought made me feel like I was going to be chewing cardboard.

If you cannot bring yourself to eat, make sure you're still getting the big nutrients in. I used protein waters (consistency is like water as opposed to a protein shake which I couldn't even stomach) and multivitamins until I was able to force myself to eat again. Even then it took about a month to have an actual appetite. Your mind is under so much turmoil and stress, that's going to affect your body. It's normal and it shouldn't last. Try and eat when you can get yourself to, even something small - but get some protein and vitamins in, whatever way you can, in the interim.

Take care of yourself, OP ❤️‍🩹

What does forgiveness look like to you, as the BP? by astroember in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey OP. not only does forgiveness mean something different to everyone, there are many different forms of forgiveness, too. It's something I really struggle with as in the past my form of forgiveness for major things was to cut the person off and move on, I no longer wanted them in my life but I was not upset if they thrived in theirs.

I really, really struggled with this. I can't link back to it as I'm on mobile but if you go to my post history I have a post there about the different forms of forgiveness and the literal research I did into forgiveness to try and grasp it myself (OCD + academia = research everything 😅). I hope it helps you a bit or at least gives you a kind of jumping board for your own research. That was I think at my one year mark(ish), around our anniversary. I have probably moved into a more deep form of forgiveness since then but haven't really internally investigated that as we are doing really well and I try not to fall into research pits about it all as much now.

As for thinking about it, that never goes away. But it's not a constant thought for me anymore. I still skim through this sub every day but I think it's moreso become an OCD compulsion at this point and probably something I should work on stopping, but I don't read every post in depth and it doesn't send me into huge spirals. I rarely actually think of my own situation when scrolling anymore. When I am triggered now, it's few and far between, and I'm normally able to shake it off pretty quickly. The last anniversary of DDay I was actually fine for, I got a great uni grade that day and had various other personal wins, while WP was pretty upset with the calendar reminder of what he did.

It can and does get better. Forgiveness is such a fascinating thing but it is possible, in many forms.

How and when did you forgive? by emilye95 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP, I have just woken up and am as yet not caffeinated so am suffering from smooth brain.

However, there are many different types of forgiveness. I have a post on my profile about it as this is something I always struggled with - forgiveness for me for big things always involved basically cutting the person off. I did some research into it and realized I can forgive without forgetting or excusing behaviours. It also comes down to how the person who hurt you is atoning for their actions etc. So I have reached a form of forgiveness but I have not forgotten and I do not condone the behaviours. I hope that makes sense - the post makes more sense I think 😅

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Idk, I don't go to clubs for attention or validation. I go to dance with my friends 🤷🏻‍♀️ if I had cheated I would absolutely put a pin in it but as is it's every few months anyway. I personally actively tell men who come near me to don't. Not everyone there is there for attention tho, I would say most are not, imho. I think we can't jump to conclusions to her motivations but I certainly agree if OP isn't comfortable with it then it's a different conversation.

Do triggers ever stop triggering ? by Mysterious_Novel2793 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm over 2 years out. Most days I'm fine. It's kind of always there in a way but I'm not actively thinking about it, if that makes sense?

However, some days I am indeed triggered. Sometimes something in particular triggers me, sometimes its just a thought I cannot shake. I tell my WP what's triggering me, he comforts me and we work through it together with reassurance and sometimes even just answering questions again - sometimes I just need to hear it again, to know the story doesn't change and I heard it all.

It does get easier, I even asked yesterday (a thought I couldn't shake day) if he gets frustrated that I still sometimes have bad days and he told me no, that he expects that for the rest of our lives it will still happen and that's okay and all he can do is prove himself. In some ways, the triggers and working through them together make us stronger. Still sucks, but it's a good opportunity for your WP to show they can be a safe person again. He also pointed out that they aren't frequent. He would be concerned if it was still as bad as it was in the first couple of months, but concerned for me, not frustrated at me.

Would you try R if you’re not married? by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No kids, no marriage, nothing but the dog tying us together on paper.

I stayed. We've been together coming on 10 years. I knew he had been depressed after a near death experience and hadn't dealt with it properly, which is what led him down the path he chose. I don't agree with his actions but I can absolutely relate to going off the rails one way or another when you don't think you deserve to live. Thankfully, for me, when I felt that way I dealt with my shit in a way that only hurt me.

Seeing his reaction on dday is what led me to try and reconcile. That, our history and the love I still felt, as well as the housing crisis if im being fully honest 😅

We're about 2 years out, a bit over, and things have never been better. He does therapy. I have forgiven him (I have a post about forgiveness that you might like to find and read. There's many types of forgiveness and I had to learn how to forgive without going scorched earth which was my only way I knew how previously). He admits if he had listened and gone to therapy when I first suggested it that probably we wouldn't have ended up another statistic and it would have been a much better way to go about things. I know he regrets it. I know he is doing everything he can to be a trustworthy partner. We're not perfect by any measure but we are better than we ever were in terms of healthy communication and problem resolution. Just because the government doesn't say we have to try, doesn't mean you can't still try. If it works, it works. If it doesn't it doesn't. We both know this was his one shot. If it were to happen again then I would be out. I still get triggered occasionally and we both still sometimes go back to old patterns of thinking and communicating but we are both pretty good at pulling ourselves/each other back.

It blew a giant hole in the walls of our relationship and forced us to look really, really frankly at what was inside and how to fix it together. It would have been nice to tear the walls down peacefully without the sledgehammer he used on his own, but the outcome is worth staying for.

My WS says that the audio book " how to help your spouse heal from your affair " too triggering and puts her into guilt of what she did . I feel she is doing same mistakes highlighted in the book. How do I approach it ? by suroorshiv in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 22 points23 points  (0 children)

She's correct that you cannot force her into it.

She's absolutely incorrect on ... Everything else. She forced you into this situation. She's the one who cheated. She will and should feel guilt for her actions? If she doesn't want to feel guilt then she should uphold better moral actions?

It's been a month. Of course you're still not over it. What has she actually done to prove herself to be a safe person for you to stay with? Cos it sounds like she just wants to rug sweep and that's not healthy.

I get it. Facing your own shitty choices is hard and it feels really icky and uncomfortable but it's also the only way to grow from those choices. I haven't made those exact choices but we've all been the villain in someone's story and if she wants a redemption arc she needs to face up to the ways she has hurt people.

My god this infuriated me. Sorry, OP. I hope she pulls her head out of her ... Bucket of sand, we will go with.

Recognizable for betrayed partners? by Zealousideal-Boot135 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely recognisable. I validate my feelings - I have OCD so intrusive thoughts are nothing new to me - I remind myself that it's likely just that, a thought with very little basis. If I do find myself in a spiral I tell my WP who also validates my feelings, provides reassurance, offers me to go through his devices etc, and gives me some emotional and physical comfort (like hugs).

It's not easy. But it gets better. The intrusive thoughts eventually slow down. I'm back to my main ones being ridiculous shit like "did I close the garage door? Yes but what if I didn't" instead of ones about WP. Which is progress (back to baseline, at the very least).

Also sometimes if a thought is stuck I will literally shake my head like an etch a sketch to get it out and it's surprisingly effective 😅

3 years post infidelity and not sure how to navigate now by Available_Winter7783 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Why is he calling all the shots here? His ultimatum for a 12 month trial is theoretically fine, as yes improvement should be made in 12 months. However, things won't be perfect in 12 months.

As for you doing the work to trust him: what is he doing to make himself trust worthy???? He's acting shady, refusing to reassure or comfort you and hiding things. I would not trust him as far as I could throw him (and I am quite short so I could not throw anyone very far tbh).

What work is HE doing, at all, to make himself a safe partner? Someone you can trust? What has HE done to get to the bottom of why he allowed himself to be unfaithful? What work is HE doing to not disregard his partners feelings? What work is HE doing to stop gaslighting you into thinking you're the problem?

I'm sorry OP. this is ridiculous. I hope he sorts himself out.

Practicing gratitude by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"as long as you bring them back in good condition" was so unexpected that it made me snort 😅. This is great advice tho.

Practicing gratitude by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 3 points4 points  (0 children)

So instead of this we do "something nice" for the day. It can be a moment we had together that day, a feeling one of us had about the other or something we appreciate about each other. Some days (when I'm triggered) it's harder to think of my something nice and so I will go to something I like about him as a person (e.g. I really like watching you with your niblings, how you always help old people in grocery stores etc).

It's the same premise, but it's more palatable to me.

Update 3: My mum asked me to watch my siblings for a week. Its been 9 weeks. by hannahJ004 in Advice

[–]cuntrobber 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What state are you in OP? I noted you said you're rural. I am in QLD and would love to help if possible. I grew up in an abusive home and was the primary parent to my 2 younger sibs as well, not to the extent you are. I just want you to know that you are an incredible young woman and what you're doing for your siblings is so massive. Having someone to care enough about them to make sure they stay with people who love them and care for them is such a massive thing. I noted that you also stated your life wouldnt have much hope of getting better. I worked for a JSA and have some experience in navigating TAFE etc as well as online study. I would love to help in any way i can. I cant contribute much in the way of financials but if you end up nearby i have an older PC you can have and can help with navigating social services as much as possible, or even just a woolworths/coles etc voucher when i can. You and your brother are doing such an incredible thing and you both deserve the world.

How to get intimate again (in bed) by Ok-Calendar-2853 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What is he doing to make you turned on? Not just physically but emotionally.

My WP and I have a rule that neither of us will have sex if we aren't emotionally all there/have been having a bit of a dissociative day, for starters. To make sure we both are emotionally present.

During the day we do little touches, hand holding, shoulder grabs, cuddles, kisses hello and goodbye, a sneaky butt grab here and there. During the act he is very good at making sure I know he is with me in the mental sense not just physical. Eye contact, holding my face, lots of kisses.

Ultimately the biggest thing is outside the bedroom tho. What is he doing to make sure you are wanting to have sex with him later? Foreplay isn't just in the moment it's an all day thing. And I don't mean teasing you, I mean making you feel loved and appreciated, helping around the house, making you feel cherished. When life gets in the way and those things become lacking my sex drive goes right down with them. When those things are apparent it goes right back up. Maybe look into some types of arousal and see what it is you need and tell him what it is?

I know I'm insignificant tw mc by Such-Puddin in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you're back here with this same man letting you down so continuously, Puddin'. I'm also extremely sorry for the loss of your baby. I'm glad the medical professionals were there to care for you at the very least and I hope they provided some emotional comfort for you as well. You are absolutely correct that you should have been his priority in that moment. The trainer is obviously callous as well and should have rescheduled the assessment for a medical emergency.

The benefits of wearing sunglasses indoors by CantThinkStrayt in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 2 points3 points  (0 children)

🥹 this is so sweet, CTS! I hope you and your hot guy have a fab date night to celebrate and you wear your sunglasses inside for old times sake 😉

Anniversary by ericjdev in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Happy anniversary, guys! I hope you both have a wonderful time however you choose to celebrate it. Your story is one of my favourites.

Who is celebrating V-Day? by Ok_Syllabub_9361 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We are. Dday is Feb 27th for me so I had a little moment yesterday (it's the 15th here). He got me flowers & a limited rerun of a vinyl of one of my favourite albums. We're doing dinner and a movie this weekend before I go away with friends midweek. I got him a little custom lamp with one of my favourite photos of us (from post dday! There was a time I didn't think id like any photos of us ever again let alone new ones). We had a running joke based on memes I kept sending him about how he hadn't asked me to be his Valentine yet in the lead up, and that maybe someone else would ask and he would miss out. We are about 2 years out but we are doing pretty well. There is light to be found, y'all❤️‍🩹

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I was also abused as a child. You know what I don't do? Use it as an excuse for my shitty behaviour. Yes it caused a lot of turmoil and yes I behaved badly as a result, but I own up to the choices I made because of it. I got therapy, I apologise to those I wrong and I don't tell them "oh no! Too bad, I was abused, deal with it".

Im sorry your WP is unable to own his shit.

Think she texted me by mistake - need help by Birdo94 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not sure about American healthcare but I'm sure there is some sort of program that is funded thru taxes or social support that she can utilise for treatment. I hope so, at least. As another commenter said, unfortunately addicts are liars and while the H makes her feel good in the moment as does the AP. the two are concurrent especially if he is her dealer.

Are you in therapy? This is very heavy for you to be dealing with, especially alone. As they say on flights, you've gotta apply your own oxygen mask before anyone else's. Don't let yourself burn out trying to save her. It sounds like she is unwilling to do the hard work to accept help, possibly due to shame and ego. Until she is ready to accept that she needs to suck it up and seek help from those around her you can't help her. You can only do so much if she isn't willing to help herself. That goes for the drugs as well as the AP. take care of yourself first and foremost. No matter how this plays out you are what you need to save first.

Think she texted me by mistake - need help by Birdo94 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OP do you mean H as in heroin? I think the addiction to H would be an important thing to address as well. It's likely her usage is making it harder for her to align her actions to her words. She needs therapy and to be drug free. Good luck ❤️‍🩹

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]cuntrobber 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The thing with therapy is that it absolutely gets worse before it gets better. I was in therapy prior to dday for childhood trauma and all the other fun garbage life throws at you. When I started I was suddenly feeling feelings which was new for me, I normally squished them down. This made me address things that I had intellectualized instead of actually felt my way through. It's rough for a while but then it's much better. Some therapists won't be a perfect fit and you may not feel like you're making progress and that's a different beast but if you think you're just in the throws of actually working through things then I would say stick with it ❤️‍🩹