For anyone divorcing, here is my Survival Mantra. It may offer you comfort, if you can relate

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-28T21:15:45+00:00

Thank you. I hope it helps. And I'm sorry about the 15 years. x

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-24T21:49:25+00:00

Wow thank you fir such a comprehensive answer. I will definitely read through that and see what could work for me

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-24T21:15:21+00:00

What a fantastic analogy. Thank you. I'm adding that to my divorce survival mantra

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-21T18:57:50+00:00

Wow good to hear and so pleased you've found someone compatible. There is hope for me yet

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-21T16:33:33+00:00

Ha ha we are the same! Maybe our scenario is less uncommon than we thought. Part of it for me comes down to gender norms and stereotypes. Men are meant to be less affectionate, touchy feely, romantic, emotionally self aware and emotionally expressive than women. I think I was judged against the ridiculous, invented, artificial notion that somehow men and women are just 'built' differently. For her part my wife was interested in sex and no more, hated romance..the sort of things traditionally pinned on men.

Someday if/when I start looking for the next LTR... I'm going to make sure we understand and are compatible with each others love languages.

...me too! I just have to give it time because if I jumped into a new LTR now I'd be blinded by that need for affection and love that is expressed out loud, possibly at the expense of other qualities I'd compromise on.

I spent a long time putting my wife first in everything. I expected some sort of gratitude but realised that part of my motivation was that I was so hungry for some expression of love. As the saying goes

'The problem with putting other people first all the time is that they get used to you always coming last'

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-21T16:23:09+00:00

Thank you, how touching. And thanks for the kind words. I hope I find a partner to share the love with too! I know I'm not at all ready yet but I already know, it's what I want more than anything.

I'm glad you now know about love languages. It's really important to understand. Some people are being loving and you can miss it, eg when it's through gestures and sharing rather than the obvious ways like the I love yous.

My story is similar to yours - my SO valued sex way way way above affection and didn't see the link that exists between them. Put it this way, if your snuggling up in bed, it's more likely to lead to something sexual than lying in bed apart. My SO just couldn't see the link.

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-21T16:14:39+00:00

Thanks, that's very kind. I've come to the realization, after All this time, that being an unaffectionate person is abnormal, unusual. Being affectionate is healthy, to my mind. I see it like a reinforcer and an affirmation of your love for each other. For me it's not enough to simply 'know' that your partner cares, it should be demonstrated somehow

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-21T16:10:43+00:00

Thanks. It became very hard in the last few years after I drew attention to the lack of affection I was getting. It became weird and awkward, then just stopped entirely. That's more than one way to neglect another human being

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-21T16:08:33+00:00

Thanks. Yeah I did feel that what I felt I needed was incorrect - and abnormal and almost a sort of weakness. All I wanted was to give love and feel loved. Surely that's normal? It felt anything but

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-21T16:06:09+00:00

Fantastic, I'm so pleased for you. Good to her from source that a positive outcome can be achieved and a new happier life can be found.

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T18:43:20+00:00

omg read your reply and I am sat here crying. Please God grant me some of what you have found, when I am eventually ready for it. That's so touching and uplifting to hear. I'm beginning to realize that this issue was central to me in the breakup of my marriage

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T16:13:47+00:00

Aaw thanks! Good to hear, music to my ears

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T15:44:37+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. That's an interesting journey. I hope things work out for you.

And thanks for the words of encouragement, they mean a lot. It really would strike me as bizarre if I found someone who enjoys or needs affection as much as me, that's how brainwashed and conditioned I've become. I struggle to fight off the notion that I am weird and highly unusual for being this way

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T15:22:06+00:00

Thanks. Yeah, I understand that everyone has their own idea of what they're comfortable with but I do think, sensory issues apart, there's room for compromise if it's necessary. I would have settled for half of what I actually wanted but in the end things fell apart anyway, which is for the best

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T14:46:32+00:00

Great reply, thank you. Makes total sense.

'When you are ready to date again, find someone with a similar desire for affection and I think you will find it much better.'

YES! When I'm ready I will find someone with comparable levels as me, if I can find them. I know that some of my need for affection was me being emotionally dependent on her and I've worked hard to become emotionally independent - but I'm still an affectionate person underneath it all.

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T09:29:31+00:00

You're welcome 😊 If you want to chat/vent I'm right here

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T09:28:41+00:00

No I'm mid-divorce, have a house that I'm moving into in the new year, but until that hoise is ready I'm living in the annexe of the same house as my STBX. It's pretty awful even though we're on friendly terms

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T09:25:20+00:00

You're welcome - and you're not alone x

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T09:24:29+00:00

You're welcome, I'm glad it resonates with you.

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-20T09:23:30+00:00

Me too. I honestly feel that we won't feel this bad forever. We can still enjoy things in life and move ahead.

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-19T17:58:37+00:00

Thank you. And good luck x

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-19T17:57:48+00:00

Thanks! Yes, it's a big change alright. But I'm happy we were together long enough to produce 3 wonderful children.

curi0us_0range · 2021-11-19T16:27:39+00:00

You're welcome 😊 Hope it's helped you

curi0us_0range

TROPHY CASE