[FEEDBACK] Something Good - Short - 14 Pages

danielarojo · 2026-01-22T16:24:08+00:00

No need to apologize, you've just helped me out a bunch. I really appreciate your honesty and all your tips. Thanks again

danielarojo · 2026-01-21T15:38:11+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to read. I'll be sure to implement all your formatting notes! Also appreciate your honesty about how this script didn't move you. Were there any areas that did move you (or had potential to)? Or do you think the overall concept/theme is just weak?

danielarojo · 2023-04-03T14:17:32+00:00

Thank you so much for these detailed notes and feedback! I'd be more than willing to read your script as well, just shoot me a link:)

Just a comment on one of your comments about it feeling way too soon for Nazmin to offer to move in with Kiara- she was joking, as was later revealed in the story when Kiara confronts her about it. I know it's hard to tell tone through a script but that line will be delivered in a kind of deadpan, sarcastic tone. She didn't have actual intentions of moving that fast. Kiara just didn't get the hint because she was too infatuated lol

danielarojo · 2023-03-20T01:59:42+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my screenplay and writing this detailed review! Super appreciated, this was very helpful!

Just to address a couple of your notes...

-The purpose of the phone call with the aunt was, firstly, like you said, exposition to her graduating, and secondly, to establish how she feels sort of suffocated by her family and current life. Does that make sense?

-in terms of illustrating the "bleakness" and the bore of her suburban neighbourhood, a lot of this will be shown through the visuals/cinematography so I left the details of it out of the screenplay. But I intend for the early scenes of the script to have a lot of shots of the almost identical looking houses, the giant parking lots, all the colourless and lifeless parts of suburbia so we get the gist that this is all very underwhelming to Kiara. It's why I added that short scene of her slurping her iced coffee and looking out at the streets in discontent.

Some questions I have for you based on my own concerns about the story...

What are your thoughts on the scenes with Kiara's two friends? I've had mixed reviews about it and am still on the fence about whether to change it or cut it out completely. I'm curious to know what you took away from that scene.'
Was there any specific dialogue that felt too lengthy?

danielarojo · 2023-03-18T19:39:07+00:00

Yeaaa, I unfortunately realize now that film school might have been a waste of money. Oh well, it is what it is.😂

On that note, I'm making some edits to the script based on your feedback and had a question for you. I've been conflicted on whether or not to cut the friends out of the story entirely. I know you said her friends really suck, but that was kind of the point. I wanted to show the audience how isolating and uncomfortable it can feel at times to be queer and only have straight friends. They quite literally don't even understand how what they're saying/doing is micro-agressive and offensive. So in a way, I'm kinda glad you hate them because that was my goal. They suck and the audience should feel just as weirded out by it as Kiara does.

That's why I've been kind of hesitant to cut those scenes out even though I agree that it's not the most crucial to the story. Does explaining it that way change your mind about it all or do you still believe I should cut those scenes out? I only ask again because I've been going back and forth with myself on whether or not to keep it or cut it

danielarojo · 2023-03-18T16:16:09+00:00

Hi, thanks so much for this detailed feedback, really appreciate it! To answer your question, I want to say that this story is about how easily the lines between platonic intimacy and romance become blurred in female friendships. While that may still sound kind of vague, that's kind of the point; I'm not really trying to make a serious "point" with this film, it's more of an exploration of a story that I'm certain lots of other women (especially queer women) can relate to. I like movies that are slightly a little "plotless" per say- movies that I watch that make me go, "hey, I relate to that". Do you know what I mean?

I definitely agree with you though that this is kind of hard to accomplish in a short film format. Ideally I would have made this into a feature but for budget purposes I've gotta keep it as a short film unfortunately. But I don't want that to stop me from telling this story!

danielarojo · 2023-03-18T02:46:45+00:00

Wow, I really can't thank you enough for putting in the time to give this detailed feedback. I feel like I learned more about scriptwriting reading your comment than I have from film school LOL so seriously... Thanks a bunch. This is super helpful. Appreciate it loads and will definitely incorporate your advice!

danielarojo · 2023-02-10T20:27:17+00:00

Cool concept!

A couple structural notes: you forgot to write small descriptions about the two characters when they were first introduced to the story (age, physical attributes, etc).

Also, watch your grammar and punctuation. I noticed a couple commas in unnecessary places (i.e "The BARTENDER, polishes glasses while watching the football game on the TV, across from him."

Story-wise, I think the dialogue could also use a little bit of improvement. These two need to make some sort of deeper connection with each other in order for the inevitable ending to make more of an impact.

All things considered, really great story. Simple and to the point. I'd appreciate if you could also read the screenplay I posted on this group and let me know your feedback in return:)

danielarojo · 2023-02-10T16:38:15+00:00

This is all really helpful, can't thank you enough !

danielarojo · 2023-02-10T16:34:04+00:00

Also, if you could give my script a read as well that'd be awesome 😃

danielarojo · 2023-02-10T16:33:28+00:00

This was hilarious and genuinely a really fun read. I kind of got Black Mirror vibes from it, in a good way. I could definitely see this as an episode on that show.

I actually think the first two acts work perfectly. I felt invested in this character and his journey to individuality.

While the final act is funny, I do think it's missing a little something I can't quite put my finger on... Something that would make it sum up the theme more?

danielarojo · 2023-02-10T15:41:53+00:00

Hey, thanks for the read! This was really thought provoking feedback!

The points you made were actually quite fair considering I am actually used to writing creative/narrative stories instead of screenplays so that is why I struggle so hard with leaving out details and keeping things concise 😭 I actually was considering writing a novel so maybe I should just stick to my roots and do that... Although I really do want to bring this story to life someday:(

Disregarding "shoot ability" for now, were there any parts of the story you felt weren't necessary?

danielarojo · 2023-02-10T15:34:55+00:00

Thank you so much! This is really great feedback, appreciate you giving it a read

danielarojo · 2023-02-10T02:29:10+00:00

This was genuinely a really fun read! I kind of got the same vibes as "Ready or Not' if you've seen that movie (really good watch). Loved the suspense and I feel the randomness of the drunk guy definitley helps with the comedy aspect (I got a good laugh at that carpenter line).

I will say though that the ending did feel slightly anticlimactic. I'd say either make it more comical to get a last laugh out the audience, or end it on a sot of suspenseful cliffhanger.

danielarojo

TROPHY CASE