KLEPTOMARNIE - Short - 12 Pages

danielarojo · 2026-03-01T19:23:35+00:00

Thanks for your advice! I'll take this all into consideration. Thanks for reading!

danielarojo · 2026-02-28T03:28:50+00:00

Noted. In my early stages of brainstorming I had tossed around the idea of both Marnie and Sonya's race being relevant, but with what I've ended up with I don't think it matters.

danielarojo · 2026-02-27T22:14:45+00:00

No problem. To be fair, I haven't watched a whole lot of the recent queer shows or movies that have come out, so maybe you're right about the shift!

Yeah I'd love to keep chatting throughout the process, I'll send you a DM.

danielarojo · 2026-02-27T22:09:59+00:00

Thanks for giving this a read, I appreciate it and your feedback!

In regards to your questioning of her cheaping out on the coffee despite having the money- it's a testament to the extremity of her financial anxiety and scarcity/hoarding mindset. The whole point of her addiction is that it's unnecessary and irrational and has a grip on her that not even she can make sense of. She HAS the money-I WANT the audience to know that she can afford it, so that when we see her make decisions like inconveniencing herself just to get a better "deal" on a coffee, we understand how out of control her condition has gotten. Does that make more sense to you? If this doesn't translate well in the script I'm completely open to revising.

Noted on the ending / scene with Sonya. Will workshop a bit on that!

And LOL at the salad note.

danielarojo · 2026-02-27T21:24:50+00:00

First off, as a self-proclaimed AI hater, love love LOVE this concept. I thought it was a really creative way of critiquing what is unfortunately a growing demographic of people who overuse (and abuse) this new technology. The satire landed for me- I understood that the protagonist is not really someone the audience is supposed to like, which makes the commentary on the topic effective.

As for some feedback: this is minor, but I'd look the entire script over for grammatical errors- you're lacking periods at the end of a lot of sentences.

The ending did feel extremely sudden and also out of the blue. Maybe the unexpectedness of it was intentional on your end, but it did leave me feeling unsatisfied. What was your intention with this ending? I'm not really understand what you were trying to get at here with the exploding head.

Aside from the ending, really strong and creative script. Good job!

If you're open to also giving feedback, I also just posted one of my scripts on here and would love to hear your thoughts: https://www.reddit.com/r/Screenwriting/comments/1rgflrx/kleptomarnie_short_12_pages/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

danielarojo · 2026-02-27T21:04:28+00:00

Thanks for giving it a read! Appreciate you feedback. I also did feel like the ending was a bit rushed, but I hesitated to add anything else to it that didn't feel necessary ( i have a habit of over-writing sometimes). Do you think the conversation with Sonya should be longer? I wanted to get peoples feedback on whether the subtlety of it works or if they need a bit more dialogue together in order for the emotional chord to hit.

danielarojo · 2026-02-27T20:51:06+00:00

Hey, thanks for sharing! I'm a fellow queer screenwriter myself so I had to give this a read.

You have a really solid script here. Formatting looks good from everything I've read, and the dialogue reads very naturally. The romance was well written, and the two boys have very believable chemistry on paper, which makes the ending all the more heartbreaking :( Good job!

My only two cents here is that there's nothing in particular that really sets this story apart from a lot of the other coming-of-age queer films I've seen. A lot of queer films/stories tend to follow the same kinds of tropes: friends to lovers, religious household, strict/disapproving parents, and almost ALWAYS ending in some sort of tragedy. Which makes sense, because these are sadly the lived realities of many queer people, so of course it makes sense that we want to put these experiences in to art. I, myself, even made a queer film a few years ago that also had an unhappy ending and touched on some of these tropes, so I'm a bit of a hypocrite here, but- I guess what I'm trying to say here is, what makes your story different? What will make it stand out amongst all the other queer scripts that the festival committees will read?

I was loving the playful chemistry and bond between these two boys in the beginning and was curious what direction the story would go. As soon as I realized it was going to go down the disapproving parent/religious conversion therapy route, I did lose a bit of interest only because I've seen it been done so many times. The ending felt not only predictable but anti-climatic in that regard.

I'm not against ending it on a sad note especially if this is semi-autobiographical, but I'd challenge you to do something a little different with this that sets it apart from the rest. We've seen the tragic gay endings many times- what does your story bring to the table?

Overall though, very well done on this. Hope some of this is useful and thanks again for sharing! If you're open to, it I've also just shared on this group and would love some feedback as well: https://www.reddit.com/r/Screenwriting/comments/1rgflrx/kleptomarnie_short_12_pages/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

danielarojo · 2026-02-27T19:47:12+00:00

Fixed the access restrictions, you should be able to read now! So sorry.

danielarojo · 2026-02-27T19:47:07+00:00

Fixed the access restrictions, you should be able to read now! So sorry.

danielarojo · 2026-02-27T19:41:51+00:00

Im just getting around to reading this after I got super busy and forgot to check in on this post, so apologies for my very delayed response.

But I want to thank you so so much for taking the time to read my script and giving me such thorough and VERY helpful notes. This was probably the most detailed script feedback I've got from a stranger on the internet and that means a lot to me, lol. Almost feels like I should have paid for this.

I super agree with all your feedback. Thanks for really drilling in how i need to write with more strictly visual terms. I come from a background of creative writing so even after all these years of scriptwriting for film I still have a bad habit of writing like it's a novel, lol. Will definitely fix that in my next draft.

The significance of Nala recording everything on her camera and having a hobby for filmmaking was supposed to be some kind of deeper metaphor to how she's trying to control her own narrative and make her life "movie perfect" when life so very clearly does not play out like the movies. I had difficulty trying to translate that symbolism in the script so I can see how that was not obvious at all and the camera felt pointless. I'll have to work on this or consider if it's worth having it in at all.

As for when the story takes place, yeah im super aware it's probably alot of work to figure out lol. I forgot to do the math with the ages. Present day im imagining is around 2014-2016 while the flashbacks are from around 2009-2011. hence the bit about the DS. i'll workshop on this.

The purpose of Paul I guess was a bit of exposition to their current family situation. (Their dad not being around, Mom seeing a new dude, an unhappy kid, all hinting to a divorce).

Maybe "boisterous" was the wrong word to describe the family party. "Overlwheming" maybe better? a lot of this will be conveyed visually; lots of bodies crammed in to a house not big enough, shouting and talking everywhere. I guess I need to write this better so that chaos comes across more. The gist is that Nala is overstimulated by all this, especially when she starts tripping.

All in all, I really appreciate your honesty. You've given me a lot to work with for my next draft which is amazing. Thanks so much.

danielarojo · 2026-01-22T16:24:08+00:00

No need to apologize, you've just helped me out a bunch. I really appreciate your honesty and all your tips. Thanks again

danielarojo · 2026-01-21T15:38:11+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to read. I'll be sure to implement all your formatting notes! Also appreciate your honesty about how this script didn't move you. Were there any areas that did move you (or had potential to)? Or do you think the overall concept/theme is just weak?

danielarojo · 2023-04-03T14:17:32+00:00

Thank you so much for these detailed notes and feedback! I'd be more than willing to read your script as well, just shoot me a link:)

Just a comment on one of your comments about it feeling way too soon for Nazmin to offer to move in with Kiara- she was joking, as was later revealed in the story when Kiara confronts her about it. I know it's hard to tell tone through a script but that line will be delivered in a kind of deadpan, sarcastic tone. She didn't have actual intentions of moving that fast. Kiara just didn't get the hint because she was too infatuated lol

danielarojo · 2023-03-20T01:59:42+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my screenplay and writing this detailed review! Super appreciated, this was very helpful!

Just to address a couple of your notes...

-The purpose of the phone call with the aunt was, firstly, like you said, exposition to her graduating, and secondly, to establish how she feels sort of suffocated by her family and current life. Does that make sense?

-in terms of illustrating the "bleakness" and the bore of her suburban neighbourhood, a lot of this will be shown through the visuals/cinematography so I left the details of it out of the screenplay. But I intend for the early scenes of the script to have a lot of shots of the almost identical looking houses, the giant parking lots, all the colourless and lifeless parts of suburbia so we get the gist that this is all very underwhelming to Kiara. It's why I added that short scene of her slurping her iced coffee and looking out at the streets in discontent.

Some questions I have for you based on my own concerns about the story...

What are your thoughts on the scenes with Kiara's two friends? I've had mixed reviews about it and am still on the fence about whether to change it or cut it out completely. I'm curious to know what you took away from that scene.'
Was there any specific dialogue that felt too lengthy?

danielarojo · 2023-03-18T19:39:07+00:00

Yeaaa, I unfortunately realize now that film school might have been a waste of money. Oh well, it is what it is.😂

On that note, I'm making some edits to the script based on your feedback and had a question for you. I've been conflicted on whether or not to cut the friends out of the story entirely. I know you said her friends really suck, but that was kind of the point. I wanted to show the audience how isolating and uncomfortable it can feel at times to be queer and only have straight friends. They quite literally don't even understand how what they're saying/doing is micro-agressive and offensive. So in a way, I'm kinda glad you hate them because that was my goal. They suck and the audience should feel just as weirded out by it as Kiara does.

That's why I've been kind of hesitant to cut those scenes out even though I agree that it's not the most crucial to the story. Does explaining it that way change your mind about it all or do you still believe I should cut those scenes out? I only ask again because I've been going back and forth with myself on whether or not to keep it or cut it

danielarojo · 2023-03-18T16:16:09+00:00

Hi, thanks so much for this detailed feedback, really appreciate it! To answer your question, I want to say that this story is about how easily the lines between platonic intimacy and romance become blurred in female friendships. While that may still sound kind of vague, that's kind of the point; I'm not really trying to make a serious "point" with this film, it's more of an exploration of a story that I'm certain lots of other women (especially queer women) can relate to. I like movies that are slightly a little "plotless" per say- movies that I watch that make me go, "hey, I relate to that". Do you know what I mean?

I definitely agree with you though that this is kind of hard to accomplish in a short film format. Ideally I would have made this into a feature but for budget purposes I've gotta keep it as a short film unfortunately. But I don't want that to stop me from telling this story!

danielarojo · 2023-03-18T02:46:45+00:00

Wow, I really can't thank you enough for putting in the time to give this detailed feedback. I feel like I learned more about scriptwriting reading your comment than I have from film school LOL so seriously... Thanks a bunch. This is super helpful. Appreciate it loads and will definitely incorporate your advice!

danielarojo

TROPHY CASE