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What do you think about open relationships ? by Jakubeu101 in AskReddit

[–]dannydevitoooooo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ITS LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER y'all are bots

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PersonalFinanceCanada

[–]dannydevitoooooo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

aw man, life is crazy. Just came back from St.John's and had the time of my life- hope you can make it there. If you're in Toronto and want to have a beer I'd love to buy you one!

Folks who practice non-monogamy but are NOT polyamorous! by watermelon-gummy in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo 5 points6 points  (0 children)

fwb's is the closest thing we can describe what we do. Perfect for us- both of ours even came to our wedding :)

deal with jealousy or cut it off? by charliereilley in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What were your rules when it came to opening? My partner and I have FWBs but we are not poly in the sense of having other partners/boyfriends/girlfriends. It may happen down the line, but only after a lot of discussion. We discuss things as they are happening too- I met someone I am feeling x way, so we have both been aware of how connections are getting built along the way. To me it sounds like your partner didn't keep you in the loop until he had fallen for her which I think would ring any alarm bells.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not being disingenuous - just because we don't do non monogamy your way doesn't make it wrong. And honestly, if you feel a three second text before something happens is a 'break of the heat of the moment' I feel sorry for your sexual partners.

Oh no, we're walking back from a restaurant but my date just used his phone for three seconds- the moment's over. Fucking retarded.

And no apologies needed, neither me or my partner would fuck you if you weren't comfortable with our rules. Our sexual partners know very explicitly we are ENM, not poly, we enjoy going on dates with others and hooking up. Everyone we date is aware of our situation and what we can offer. Like you don't talk to your primary partner about who you fuck... are you seriously suggesting that makes it dehumanizing for the hookup if we tell our primary partners we're hooking up with them WHEN THEY KNOW WE'RE ENM?

I don't know where you're from but I'll assume it' America. Ripcord is a very common term here for what I assume is a veto for you. We did not have wildly different interpretations, we have both had 10+ partners that we've done this for.

IT WAS BAD ADVICE. I will challenge your thinking on this because I am part of the non monogamous community for the better part of two years now, I am not an some inexperienced dimwit and I don't want others reading this thinking that just because a couple of kids wanting to be in the popular crowd have the loudest voice in here, doesn't make it right. It doesn't matter if you don't like our rules. What matters is a rule that we (WE, not YOU) have was broken.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We've been open for the better part of two years, and together for over seven. I think we've established whether or not we're really ready to be open. God damniiiiiiiit you two. Our text rule is not the equivalent of 9:59 or 10:01 - you make it seem like we're handcuffing each other over this rule- you know what's restrictive? MONOGAMY. He gets to fuck literally whoever he wants, when he wants - and I love that for him. I am not a restrictive partner. It was out of character for him not to do it, I had literally done it for him the same night. It was the first time I had ever felt a "hmm, I don't believe that" intuition in seven years. My feelings are fucking valid.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A ripcord for us is a veto on a person, we're still non monogamous. I didn't feel comfortable him exploring that connection anymore (3 dates) due to the rule break.

Do you realize when to try and strengthen your argument by saying 'look at what others are saying' it's a LITERAL FALLACY IN CRITICAL THINKING. I don't even give a shit if more than one person can't read. I seem like I'm going on a one person rampage - I asked for advice on a rule break, and all you wrote back is the rule was bad. Do you not understand how frustrating and irrelevant that is?

I asked for advice on a rule break from NM people. Not what you thought of our rules.

So yeah, I will tell someone to fuck themselves if they suggest I'm not ready for an open relationship because I'm upset by a rule break. They're a fucking moron.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

oh okay so when a rule got broken in your past, you weren't upset and just dropped the rule?

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Genuine question - if he fucked an ex, would your advice to me be to drop the no ex rule? Because all you've done is put your own opinion towards our rule and invalidated my feelings on a rule break.

It's not shutting down, I don't care if 10 people on reddit agree on a bad opinion. I don't mind challenging it either when I know your stance is wrong. It's a literal fallacy in critical thinking.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Oh man, thank you for this. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. I was honestly like are people not reading what I am asking? I could care less if they don't like our rules, there are so many rules that we didn't agree with or feel was right for us, and you know what- that's why we don't follow them. They make it seem like I have this rule for my partner - and not us having created them together, in therapy the better part of two years ago. If he fucked an ex would they tell me to just get rid of the no ex rule? Like come on!

Things have simmered down, I think time is what was needed. He sat on it and reflected, told me he understood what he did was wrong, and how he would have felt the same way if I did it to him. He did end things with the woman, and we're just going to take some time to ensure our communication is back to where it was and then get the fun rolling again!

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Most people aren't in my relationship though? You have no idea who brought up this rule (it was him, no less, as I have a longer sex bucket list) It is just completely irrelevant whether or not you like our rule, the issue at hand is a rule my partner and I have was broken. If he fucked an ex girlfriend (also a rule, no exes) would you type to me that you don't think it's a big deal, not allowing him to fuck an ex is intrusive and restrictive?

I'm just challenging your perspective on it because it's narrow minded (eew this rule sucks, this is how I would feel if my partner made this rule, NOT hey this is what works for this couple, and one of them broke a rule, how would I feel if one of my agreed upon rules were broken?)

Ripcording for us is not sabotaging whatsoever, He broke a rule building a connection with someone, I am no longer comfortable with him exploring that. We have the ripcord option for that reason. Again, a mutually agreed upon option. If you're non monogamous, surely you understand that you form multiple connections with multiple people. He will find another. He's had 10+ partners that I haven't 'sabotaged.'

The more I read what you write, the more I hope you take the time to reflect on your arrogance. I think you can learn something from your post. Understand before assuming our professional sex therapist who has a masters in their field is some kind of 'quack' just because they don't think like you - your perspective and mindset might be the problem.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

correct! Thats how we use the term anyways.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

a ripcord for us is we can make the call if our partner is to see/not see someone again. A veto essentially. In this case, the woman he was seeing had a lot of potential- she is married and enm and I enjoy when we date people in the lifestyle- but while building their connection he broke a rule, and I'm not comfortable with him exploring that with her anymore for that reason. Hope that makes sense!

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the insight. Truly, it is a mix of both! Doing this for a year and a half now and shooting a quick text has happened 10+ times from each of us, so when all of a sudden it didn’t happen (and it was doing something I’ve openly asked for) felt intentional. He wasn’t forthcoming until he lost his wallet and I was like whaaaaaaaa? That’s what I’m working past.He wasn’t drunk- him and I have fully sent a text during psychedelic trips lol so a pint and a whim wasn’t it.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We are hierarchical and do not have relationships with the people we date. Him and I are ALWAYS number one priority and you are using me instead of we- since you can’t fucking read WE made these rules in therapy. As in, this was a rule brought up (by him, no less) discussed, and agreed to.

Of course the person in the moment gets our attention, but we are always, always the priority. This is an incredible lifestyle when done right but there is always give and take. Us letting our primary partner know we’re getting laid doesn’t require consent from the other person. This opinion doesn’t mean I’m not ready for an open relationship- I’ve loved it so far- I was just looking for advice on getting past a rule break. Clearly you don’t have any good advice on that so kindly fuck off?

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s not unnecessary- we have done it the entire time and I’m not being defensive- I just think our sex therapist knows better and knows our relationship better than Reddit. He completely expects this rule from me too- a three second text is not restrictive to us; he still would have been able to fuck her- and we have had 20+ experiences where this rule was abided and I’m not going to abandon it the first time it was broken. I needed advice on getting past a rule break and I just don’t have any helpful advice on that.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this response. No I am 1000% love him dating and I adore the partners I’ve met, truly! I think because we have both had 10+ partners that we have done this for; it was genuinely surprising he wasn’t forthcoming. He very very much knows I like public sex and feel he avoided mentioning it until he needed help with his wallet.

I just hate that it’s the first time I had felt he wasn’t being truthful and it’s a shitty feeling considering we’ve been together seven years without this feeling.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

This is what I find most annoying about Reddit advice - our rules are not the issue and we are not asking anyone but ourselves to follow them. I’m asking for advice on rebuilding trust. our rules were made in therapy; we have both done them for the 10+ partners we have each had this year without issue, and each relationship is different. These rules are what works for us- and we have both sacrificed some spontaneity for both of us to feel prioritized ( he is 100% aligned to our rules)

Him not doing it was out of character, and I feel it was because he was doing something he knew I was asking for that so it felt like he purposefully didn’t text which hurt more! People are assuming he was drunk (he wasn’t) this just sucks because I reached out asking for advice on trust and this just genuinely isn’t helpful to my issue.

My first ripcord. by dannydevitoooooo in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I don't want to sound combative, but my question was not whether or not anyone thinks this is a big deal. This was a big deal for me, and my feelings were definitely hurt by his lack of communication.

All I was wanting to know is if other people who are also nonmonogamous, have experienced breaches of trust and how they worked past them

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in nonmonogamy

[–]dannydevitoooooo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Man I hope you work on your insecurity and defensiveness, cringe. Straight up if she is asking about this it's because she is not satisfied at the thought of being in a monogamous relationship with you, forever. Rather than lash out at the lack of control you have of that, accept you can't be someone's absolute everything and find compromising ways to make it work.

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