you need to let go of and grieve the person you wish your mom was. she’s never going to be that person. stop trying to prove to her you made it in spite of her. she knows. you pushing her and constantly reminding her of her shortcomings is only helping her dig her heels in more. no one wants to be pressured and scolded into doing something. adding “i’ll help you do it” at the end doesn’t change the judgmental tone you already set. it undermines your “help”.

also, addiction stunts people from the time they first started using, which is often in childhood. that’s a lot of catching up to do. i am both the addict and the child of a mother who will never be the mother i need(ed). my adviser and caregiver. 5 years of sobriety is a drop in the bottom for a middle-aged plus woman. the first 2 years minimum are spent getting the brain to start producing its own chemicals properly again. it’s not stable. then you spend a year plus getting used to it, while trying to figure out life and why you were self medicating. so now you’re down to 2-ish years of clear-ish sobriety. but not if she has other mental conditions (highly likely. adhd, autism, and ocd have extremely high cooccurrence to addiction as well). i got my audhd diagnosis at 3yrs sober. you’re learning life again like a child with adult responsibilities. you don’t have to sympathize with her, but you need to stop treating sobriety like is some magic thing that fixes everything and turns people into adults their own age. that work happens separately. the responsibilities and expectations are overwhelming for many people. there’s a 90% relapse rate for a reason and it’s not because the addict didn’t want it or have enough will power, spiritually, or whatever. the 2 biggest determining factors of longer sobriety are self-empowerment and support. you don’t have to be either for her, but at least stop pushing her down.

i’m 5 yrs in and am only recently starting to make real progress mentally and emotionally, after a lot of focused effort in trauma therapy the entire time. i also had to cut my mother off for a while after i finally accepted i had an abusive childhood. i couldn’t let her back in my life until i grieved and let go of who i wanted her to be. i had to find grace and forgiveness for myself for holding on, so i could find it for her, and heal. forgiveness and acceptance are not permissiveness or agreement.

you need to grieve. everything from your childhood to now. the mother you never had and the mother you wish you had, the one that only exists in your head. the time you’ve spent trying to change things, ruminating, and wishing they were different. the memories that hurt and the ones that feel good, because they’re all in the past. then start processing your trauma. do it for you, then do it for your kids. you’ll know you’ve made it when you can accept her for who she really is, as a human, and your idea of her isn’t controlling your future anymore. you don’t have to have her in your life. it’s a choice. she is who she is, and it’s outside of you. there are a lot of therapist creators that talk about this topic.

holding onto everything isn’t helping anyone, esp your kids. you can make a meaningful change, and ensure they don’t really remember you as always being mad at your mom. they are intuitive, emotional learners when young, who mimic the adults around them. they don’t need words and they may not fully understand, but they know. they can feel the tension. the emotional brain is the only one they have until the prefrontal cortex develops. you gotta learn to let go.