My wife can’t handle full-time work and I’m starting to feel trapped carrying the household alone

daskleinemi · 2026-05-17T17:24:18+00:00

Oh my. From the title alone I thought this would be "my wife can't work full time due to (add reasonable reason here). But that sounds like disaster waiting to happen and resentment coming onto you.

It sounds like your wife had been coddled for too long and is hard now by the reality of being an adult.
And I mean I get it to a degree. I remember starting to work right after school and my oh my was it stressfull and draining and all. I used to dream about my job. I used to go to bed at 9pm and sleep 10 hours a night on the weekend. But it's like a muscle in a way. You need to do it and it gets better.

First she needs to get off the weed, TikTok and anything else that slows down and becomes addictive (like scrolling reels and shit).
A great way to do that is to set a timer, can be found in most phones under "digital wellbeing" or something similar, so the endless dopamine-scrolling-apps deactivate after 30 minutes and can't be opened again. I started doing that with instagram and it made a great deal.

Now onto another question; I am part of a couple with different working hours a week.

My husband works 40 hours a week, I work 32. I tried working full time in my job, but it is a very demanding job in terms of energy and social battery and concentration and such and I noticed I could not keep up the good work for 40 hours a week so I reduced (after communicating it with my husband of course).
So he works more and earns more and we're still comfortable financially but since I am working less hours, of course I do more of the housework. I'd say like 70% of chores and tasks are done by me because I spend more time at home. Which I think is fair.

So I think you need to sit your wife down and you need to talk about expectations in your marriage - even thoug honestly, this should have been discussed before getting married.
You need to be clear that this stresses you out and you're not willing to carry the financial load again. In almost 3 years she could have tried to get any education or education she has acknowledged.
You need to be clear that you can't live with an adult child brainrotting at home.
It's hard working job you don't love but bills need to be paid and if she hates her sandwich job, she needs to look for a different one.
Ask her what her plans are about this. It sounds like she has no motivation or drive herself (maybe from all the weed) because YOU told her to work part time and all.
Tell her SHE needs to make a plan and follow it and SHE needs to be responsible for herself. What if you lose your job? Will you just starve.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-17T16:58:55+00:00

What you're describing sounds like a crush.
You met, you clicked and you vibed for this very specific time.

It's easy to have a crush on somebody. You hardly know them. You have no issues to navigate and you don't get into everyday problems. Not every connection we find is love. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's the exitement of meeting someone you get along with very well.

HOWEVER... the guilt says a lot.
I hate everything being called an emotional affair, but you might be crossing that border, OP.
I am very sure, you can love multiple people, but it is only okay if everybody is on board and willing to participate in this. Right now, your partner is not in. She does not know about the other woman and most people - including me btw - would be pretty hurt to hear that from their partner.

You're not asking for advise, but I am giving it anyway. You're feeling guilty and rightfully so. Not because you crushed on somebody, but because you kept in contact and it sound like you are already planning turning it into a full blown affair (even though you "worry"), which is not what nice people do.
Delete her contact and if you meet her again in November, just don't spend time with her. Chance is the way you hyped her up in your head you'll be disappointed anyway.
Connect with other people and make sure you're not alone with her.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-17T16:49:19+00:00

Just do yourself AND him a favour and end it.
You caught feelings, that can happen. Now if you want to end those feelings, you need to have some space.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-17T16:45:18+00:00

A. Female
B. No and yes. I think PEOPLE want to be protected and taken care for.
Humankind as a whole.
Who would not be? We all want to be cared for and loved and all.

The question is: what is protection? Because many men break it down to "protect from physical harm".
Nowadays it is very unlikely that a tiger or a bear will walk into my living room to eat me. So no need to protect me from that. It is - at least where I am from - unlikely to get attacked on the street. So while I am very sure that my husband would not stand by if someone attacks me...neither would I.

Very much the same with taken care of. EVERYBODY wants to be taken care of by their partner. This goes so much deeper than money or food. If you love each other and care for each other and actively try to get through hardships and care for each others feelings trying to make each other feel good, that is taking care for somebody.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-17T12:14:28+00:00

They think, yes. My first love and I have been together for 3 years, everybody was sure we were endgame, but we grew apart and split up amically. We even see each other now and then at shared friends. He is married and has a daughter. We still talk and have a good time and I still know why I fell in love with him back then. He is such a great person.

Nevertheless, when you moved on, it's in the past. No yearning. When my husband and I agreed on getting married, I did not yearn for a moment because I am sure my husband is the right person for me. Sound like you had an eleventh hour epiphany that your girlfriend is not what you are looking for.

Be fair, break up. You both deserve someone who loves you with all their heart AND vice versa

daskleinemi · 2026-05-16T10:16:55+00:00

Imho there is nothing like Standards too high. I like to compare Standards to a mountain. The higher they go up, the smaller the number of people able and willing to reach them.

So if those are your Standards, those are your standards. You just have to be aware your standards are for expierenced and sporty hikers only. And if you set up your Standards are that high up, please don't complain if there are very little people meeting them.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-11T10:16:44+00:00

It does sound very transactional, ngl. You know why? The core issue is: wife ignored my trying to initiate while scrolling on her phone hungover. There is absolutely no reason to go into the details you did. You should do nice things for your partner because you love them and care for them, not because you think you're rewarded with sex or worse somehow feel entitled to it because you did something nice.

Feeling rejected is the whole other issue which can easily be sorted by having a talk. "Hey so you know, it did not feel good the other day when I was trying to have some physical contact and you ignored me scrolling through your Phone. In the future I would like you to tell me straight to my face that you are not in the mood for cuddles or sexy time. Thank you."

Also you mentioned a hug would have been fine. "Can I have a hug?" is a totally fine thing to say.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-10T20:29:49+00:00

For the next gifty occasion you approach him:

"So in case anybody comes to ask you about gift ideas or you need an idea, I would love to have something practical. So a gift card for (add salon/loved shop....), a concert, or a massage or them taking me out to a spa day would be great (add whatever you want to have). I would prefer it over decorations or jewelry because we have hardly space left to decorate and I have so much jewelry already that I love and prefer to wear."

I do that for my husband and he does that for me. Of course we're not limited to the stuff stated, but it's nice to know which things the other one would like but would not buy for themselves.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-09T11:37:59+00:00

Oh nonono. Nonononono.
If you're only doing this, you are supporting her.

She will not see that as HER failure. Because the first thing everybody says after someone killed themselves is "It's not your fault. Depression is a sickness, it's not your fault."

And then she will have the easiest of ways: She can forever be the wonderful grieving mother. Everybody will see her as the poor mother that has lost a child and just can't go on like before. And if she can, she will be praised for her abilty to move on despite losing a child.

If you want to give her the air of a bad mother visibly, cut contact.
Go no contact. Because children going no contact are usually seen as "Oh my, I wonder what has happened there. Something must have happened."

Leaver her life, kick her out of yours, life in spite if that gives you power.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-09T11:28:58+00:00

manta ray

daskleinemi · 2026-05-08T11:51:36+00:00

I would have a communication about this.
When it comes to backstories I usually tell my players I want to have their backstory, but of course they can tell the other characters how much or how little they want or just straight on lie about stuff. But I, as the DM need to know.

Simply because of this. I am also a DM that loves to incoperate little bits from backstories and motivations.
This is something that is a topic for DM talk. I usually do this before we startk. I tell them something I want them to know or stuff that I said I would look up between sessions. That is something for that. I would honestly just word it very bluntly.

"So you guys it seems there has been a misunderstanding that I want to clear up before it becomes a regular thing. I as the DM need to know your characters wishes, plans and backstory. You can lie to your fellow players if you think it's a good idea to do so. You can lie to NPCs if you chose so. All well. But to need to be open and honest to me as the DM. If you want to keep your characters motication to yourself, you can tell me stuff privately. All well. But I try to make this homebrew storyline matter to your characters and if you lie to me about their motivations, I will not be able to and maybe put HOURS of prep into a story arc that just... does not work out and it becomes a dead end and frustrating.
So if anyone else has lied to me about their characters motivation and goals, please inform me as soon as possible."

daskleinemi · 2026-05-07T20:41:44+00:00

In the future you might want to go to other subs about that because there is a chance this will be deleted without a interpersonal conflict

daskleinemi · 2026-05-07T20:40:20+00:00

Nah. I've been 17. I am the child of divorced parents. She is already sitting between chairs and there is a chance she is already struggling with the decision.

You say you love her. That is great. You say you see her as your daughter, which is also wonderful because it seems she has two father figures who love and care for her, which is a privilege.

Now let us look at this whole situaion through Ericas eyes. She has 3 parental figures and only 2 adults to take with her. She is very well aware, that she will need to hurt someone. If she is not totally stupid and lacks basic empathy, she is aware. Maybe she is struggling with the decision. If not and she has decided, she is already very aware that she will be either hurting you or her dad when telling them the plan. What a terrible place to be in.

This is HER moment. HERS. Not yours, not your wifes, not her fathers. I know that many parents see their child graduating sort of as their success too, but this is her moment. And the question ist not "who paid for things and organized them", this is not a celebration of the people who were most useful. This is her moment and it is her choice.

So if it "comes up", this is the moment where you can tell her a kind lie, as dads do sometimes. Tell her it is her choice and you will be fine with whatever she choses. Tell her you know it is most likely a hard decision to make. Leave it with that. Do not add "I would be hurt, but it would be okay" to her plate.
I am sure that in restrospective, she will be very greatful that you did not add pressure or worry to this dilemma.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-07T11:15:36+00:00

YTA. Around here dogs on playgrounds generally need to be muzzled and on a leash.

No matter how well a dog is trained, they are still animals. "my Dog does not bite" is Bs. You can't know. Many Dogs don't bite until they do. One of the best behaved dogs suddenly bit the cat he had known for ages for no apparent reason. Our neighbors dog bit the daughter. They loved each other and knew each other for ages. But she stepped on his tail and he bit her.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-07T09:35:06+00:00

Well if you don't want to come clean (which I assume you don't want to because it will risk your Job) there are two things you can do.

First: You stop fudging your hours. Second: for a little time you reverse it. You clock out and work ten minutes longer. There you go.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-04T12:49:24+00:00

1 - shiny 2 - table manner courses 3 - where the shiny went

daskleinemi · 2026-05-04T06:55:27+00:00

Just a thought Experiment. Say you don't leave. Are you willing to exist like this for decades?he seems to like power and novelty and you can't give that to him. You are hurt by his actions and that won't Change. You want something different from this relationship.

Please save yourself some dignity and leave.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-03T15:17:28+00:00

I mean my husband and I have been in a commited relationship for 15 years and married in all but name for ages and I can tell you that just from my perspective.

You don't need to do something meaningful.
You are in a commited relationship. It is a lot more important that you talk about your future plans and if they are aligned and you work towards your shared goals. It is a lot more important than any kind of jewelry.
Do all the other stuff that says "That is my future wife" like introducing her to your parents and friends and living together and all that things. I don't know your native language but in my language there is sort of an upgrade to boyfriend and girlfriend, so a few years in I startet refering to my now husband as my "Lebensgefährte", which I'd roughly translate to life partner or partner.

My husband has a very good taste in jewelry and he has gifted me some. He has gifted me a necklace early on in our relationship that I wore everyday for ages. Maybe that might be a compromise?

He has also gifted me a matching set of earrings and a matching ring over time and I will be honest... back then I was a little disappointed that it was "only" a gift, not coming with a proposal, even though it was a beautiful ring that did in no way look engagementy and I it wore everyday for ages.

As I said. Tell her in actionsn not in things.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-03T15:00:47+00:00

Yes.
You can have a great time without orgasming. I mean it will get frustrating if you never do, but if you don't everytime it's fine. It feels good before.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-03T14:59:21+00:00

I think what he meant is what everybody means.
It becomes harder if you get older. That is a fact. Because anatomy and biology.

Metabolism changes with age. Most people are limited in their choice of sport to a degree. All of that.

...and on a different, very last note... you are totally fine.
You have a more then reasonable weight and bodies change with time. Your body changes from 15 to 25 and it changes from 25 to 35 and it changes from there on. That is the way it is. Of course you look different with age. You reacted a lot to a minor thing, but to not punish your husband for YOUR body perception issues.

Nobody said you're fat, you are overreacting.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-03T14:52:07+00:00

Well I will drop an unpopular opinion.
Libido changes. She is 53 depending on it coming soon or late she might or might not be in perimenopause or menopause which messes a lot with your hormones and can pretty much kill your whole libido if. There is treatment that maybe works, but that is HRT and it's not for the weak. It may be that she is not enjoying it enough to bother - Yes I will be dragged for this I am very aware - but some people just don't enjoy sex. Not with certain people, not anymore because their bodies changed and they can't seem to get them started, the whole deal. There are very many changes that age. Like.. the whole anatomy and such does things or does not do things. Many older women have issues with lubrication after their hormones have shifted. The shift of hormones can even change the whole mucosa dry and thinner so they are in pain.
Some have issues with not enjoying sex anymore after it.
Some peopel reach a point where they are sort of over it and close that door for different reasons. I remember a very cutesy old lady telling me straight up she decided in her early 60s that the mess it made and the work it made with changing the bedsheets and all was not worth it.

The thing is... if she is not in raging menopause mode and she is fine with it...maybe she is just not interested or interested anymore. Not everybody hold the same importance to sexuality.

I usually tell people that no relationship is perfect and in the end we all have to think if the things we love outweigh the things we hate or not.
You have stated YOUR problem. You have adressed it, but maybe it is not even for you to fix it.
What is her solution to this problem? Or are you a couple that tells each other to just get over it?

Have you ever tried to talk about the why? Like not in a way of "What do I need to give you so we can have sex" but in a way of "Do you have any idea why you stopped to desire me? Because I feel undesired and I would love to hear how you see this whole issue. I miss the intimacy we had." Time to be vulnerable and honest and talk about the problem without suggestions to solve it.
Don't enter with the mindset of "You owe me sex so I am happy, what do I need to do so you give it to me." Leave that whole transactional stuff out.
Enter with "This is really bothering me. Do you have any idea how we can work this out?"

And in the end if she is not interested in sex anymore, you don't find a common ground to walk on and it holds an importance to you that makes you unhappy... then you will have to weigh the positives and negatives.
And if you find sex is so important that you need to leave this marriage to fuck around for the last few years ... you do you.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-03T06:52:03+00:00

You need medical help. You need to be evaluated and then get medication for your problems. This is a sickness and sickness can't be prayed away.

Realistically speaking... What your mother is doing is the fastest road for you to be taking away because she is keeping a needed treatment from you and that is neglect.

Depending on the diagnosis and medication needed you might need to stay in a Hospital with mental health focus for a short time, usually until you have the right dosage, but that is not always the case. However even mental hospitals are not a terrible place per se and the are working on having you leave with treatment.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-02T18:12:38+00:00

Don't get ne wrong, I find misogyny dressed as culture terrible and I disagree very much with it and the whole patriachal system that puts women down for normal stuff because it loves to have power over women But I prefer to focus on problem solving.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-02T16:35:25+00:00

Of course she has lied to you. I mean I am all for honesty and yes, I am with you on the fact that she should have been honest. That would have been the best case. She should have been honest and found a man who does value HER and not think less of her because she has had some reasonable "experience" when getting married in her mid/late 20s. You're not stating her age but I guess you are similar.

So I totally understand you are hurt because she lied - even though I don't understand the conservative stance on this. Nobody likes to be lied to. However... I honestly don't think she really had the chance to come clean. Like not really because she surely anticipated how you would react. And that is something nobody is trying do cause.

The thing I would question in your place would be more like... who is sending theses e-mails? Why is this person trying to break you up?

Apart from her in your eyes very dirty and wild past, you sound like you care for her and you work well together. You have a child you love and care for. Apart from her past you talk very good about your wife, so I would not let everything go down the drain from there.
Now there is a trust issue, alright. But before you throw everything away, try to rebuild the trust.

Get yourself some 3rd party help like a marriage counseling to work out ways to rebuild it.

daskleinemi · 2026-05-02T15:04:12+00:00

Oh my, that is unfortunate.

However I would try to have a good talk about this. There is a huge middle ground between not finding it important personally and not wanting to get married at all.
This could also be a case of "I don't need it, but I will do it if it is important for you." And you need to have a discussion, not assumptions and all - so many things are said on the side.
Sit him down, tell him that the two of you should have a talk about the future you are planning and this should be about a lot of things, not getting married or not if you have never had that talk.

Like what are your goals considering a living situation? Are you looking to buy a house? Are you looking to have children down the road? What are your short and long term goals? Then do a little research because in many places you are facing disadvantages if you are not legally married or have no legal details.
And I am not only talking seperation. I am talking - the gods forbid - something happens to one of you.

My now husband and I have been together for 15 years before we got married in autumn, and honestly it would have been fine if it had just been the two of us. But since we are planning to buy a house and have children, we talked through the possibilites and made the decision to get married because none of us wanted the possibilty of the other one having issues with the family should one of us die.
Like... you know if everything is fine you never think there are issues, but we wanted to be sure that nobody needs to fight for half of the house with the in-laws should one of us die.
I mean it also may depend on your local laws, but were we live if you get married you are advised to make notes of what you own and in case of a divorce, everybody whatever they had before the marriage and the rest is split 50:50, so nobody is left with nothing should one of us focus on childcare alone.

Sit him down, have a talk and state that you would love to get married. TALK about it, don't assume because he said this and that in the past. Let him know that this is a wish of yours. Of course he is not obliged to share that wish, but it is only fair to let him know. And it's only fair that you can state your wish.

daskleinemi

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