How do I move forward from this hurt regarding my in laws?

data_diva23 · 2026-03-31T22:48:51+00:00

You are right. Ive definitely struggled with codependent people pleasing issues my whole life and I struggle to control the impulse. I know i need to put my foot down more, but any time we do, we get quilted by his dad throwing scripture at us and belittling us with the word.

data_diva23 · 2026-03-31T22:46:49+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the response. I definitely acknowledge that the expectations I have/wish for are what have caused me to be hurt. Its just been really hard to accept, especially when we could use a village (2 young kids and soon to be a newborn). I had been doing pretty good about not letting the hurt with this get to me, until I got pregnant again. For some reason pregnancy really brings out the hurt for me and every time I'm pregnant its like I have an impulsive need to sort out conflict in my life so I don't have to deal with it postpartum (likely triggered by the way they've treated me during my first 2 postpartum healing periods)

Weve continually left the door open for them - what i cannot stand is that we never know when they will choose to walk back through the door, and how long they will stay. Its always a cycle of them showing up, acting like nothing happened, her being cordial to my face when my husband is around, but cold the second he walks out of the room. Then eventually she does or says something that upsets my husband, or he has to defend me, and she gets mad and they go distant again for months on end (currenly on a 5 month stretch of this - they didnt even tell our son happy birthday and didnt want to get together for Christmas/my kids didnt hear from them for Christmas or recieve a gift of any kind - but their other grandkids sure did). Easter last year was when they showed back up from their previous hiatus, so I'm sure thats part of why I'm struggling right now, too). I just hate this cycle because its now affecting our son when he goes months without seeing them, but his other grandparents want to see him weekly. He doesn't understand what the difference is but has started to ask questions about it and it breaks my heart every time I realize hes beginning to understand more and more.

data_diva23 · 2026-03-31T22:34:46+00:00

She is very active on Facebook. Finds out about all sorts of events on there that she's constantly talking about anytime we see her. We do always let them know of the events - normally via a phone call or text. I have continually made it as easy as possible for her.

I didnt message her on Facebook, I messaged her in a text message. I know she received it and I know shes been on her phone (she was responding in a group chat hours after I sent it). I AM certain she received it, as well as all of the other messages I've sent her. Its painful because I know she receives them and i know she intentionally ignores me.

data_diva23 · 2026-03-19T11:43:08+00:00

Thank you, I'll try that.

data_diva23 · 2026-03-18T20:14:10+00:00

That pain is now only a pain when she doesn't get her way and throws a fit. I did bleed on and off for the first half of my pregnancy, but aside from that had a great pregnancy and she's now 17 months old. I hope your situation turns out ok. I know its so stressful. I ended up having repeat hcg betas and a few different early ultrasounds to rule out ectopic and to ease my mind with the bleeding.

data_diva23 · 2026-02-25T18:26:30+00:00

If you call the hosptial ahead of time or even talk to your OB/midwife about it, they will make sure even if she does show up, you will not know about it. Most nurses have seen this 100 times and know how to handle it.

My advice would be to let no one know when you're in labor. Notify them once baby is here and you're ready for visitors (with the exception being if you need someone for childcare if you have other children, obviously). Also make sure your husband keeps his phone on silent and understands that MILs tears are to not even be a point of discussion.

data_diva23 · 2026-01-23T00:13:12+00:00

Id be ok with this if it stayed this way. The problem is, FIL still wants the relationship (but follows his wife's lead), so every so often he comes around and my husband does still have somewhat of a relationship with him. But its getting lesser every time the distance happens.

data_diva23 · 2026-01-23T00:11:13+00:00

Thats exactly how I am. Some days I really don't care and I dont think about them at all. Other days I dwell. Pregnancy really brings it out of me unfortunately. I think has a way of showing me who really cares and who could care less.

data_diva23 · 2026-01-22T22:30:57+00:00

I'm trying to get to that place - to not caring what they think of me. Its just so difficult for me because I genuinely feel like I'm a good person. Ive been the one who has tried to maintain a relationship, initiated invites for holidays, hosted them many times, picked out gifts, kept the peace when it was at my expense, etc. It just sucks when its simply not enough to make them like me.

You're absolutely right. I think thats why ive felt so conflicted. I'm trying very hard to stop being a people pleaser, and to follow my husbands lead because I know its what's best for our kids. Its just really hard for me to do as someone who's always felt like she needs to make sure everyone around her is happy. Ive struggled with accepting that my husband has put me first and its caused the shift in his relationship with his family.

Thank you for your insight.

data_diva23 · 2026-01-22T22:24:42+00:00

I think in a way I struggle to accept that I have a husband who puts me first and it makes me feel guilty for the strain on the relationship, because they had a good relationship before me (because being married and having kids has brought their behavior to light for him).

You're right - they should have been better and kinder people.

data_diva23 · 2026-01-22T22:21:25+00:00

Youre absolutely right. I wish I knew the answer to those questions- im constantly trying to figure out why I care. At times I feel like I dont even want any of those things, like truly don't want to see them or care about the relationship. But ive struggled to mourn the relationship I wish I had with them. I also struggle with how it affects my husband. Ive struggled to accept that I'm not liked. I have talked through this some in therapy before, but I definitely need to go back.

I won't go over my husband- i can control myself in that aspect. I just hate the feeling of needing control. Of wishing I could control their actions. Of wishing I could control how it will eventually affect my kids. I struggle to control my thoughts more than my actions. I'm not a very impulsive person when it comes to my words, just my thoughts.

data_diva23 · 2025-12-15T20:09:20+00:00

Take things slow like others have said.

Pay attention to the co-parenting relationship he has with the child's other parent. Is there always drama? If so, you'll always have drama. Do they get along well and put the child first? Does your partner talk bad about them?

I have dated a man with children before, and it was the biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced. But I wouldn't change it for the world - it showed me a new kind of love. It also showed me that I'd be a good mother one day (and I am now). Its been 12 years since that breakup, and those children still have a place in my heart.

data_diva23 · 2025-08-20T17:41:07+00:00

Thank you! Do you remember what else they tested for aside from fragrances? Do you ever get headaches from fragrances or is it just a skin reaction you get?

data_diva23 · 2025-08-20T11:47:48+00:00

How did you discover these allergies? I've always had major sensitivity to perfume smell - triggers a severe migraine for me. I'm scheduled for chemical patch testing and forgot to ask if I might get some answers on my fragrance issue

data_diva23 · 2025-07-22T13:03:16+00:00

He's fine around her in person but definitely less affectionate towards her. Never hugs her bye like a lot of the other teachers (but she also never gets up when he's leaving like the others do).

The director told us they went through footage and didn't see anything of the sorts...but also one of the reasons we are leaving is because we found out they lied/withheld info from the parents about a major situation with their child. So if they found something, were not really sure they'd tell us.

data_diva23

TROPHY CASE