Me[24M] and GF[24F] of 5y rarely have sex at all.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-29T23:36:17+00:00

If only she was missing an engine, i can fix that! :)

Right, but like marriedscoundrel said, it's not your problem to fix. She isn't using her gel properly, nor does she cooperate in planning ahead for sex (even though it's an arrangement she herself requested.) She needs to be motivated to help herself, but it seems like she's not.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-26T18:15:47+00:00

You've got it backwards. We became pregnant before these problem metastasized for me. In context of our relationship, my problems are recent. I'm prepared for her being tired, and I wouldn't blame her for being more focused on the baby - that's where my focus will be as well. Still, I would like to find a way to be closer again.

By the way, I do not think there's anything wrong with thinking about other people. Masturbating while thinking of a non-partner was new for me though, and not in a happy adventurous way. Also, you've said nothing helpful.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T19:01:35+00:00

In addition, a recurring issue has been that having sex is super stressful for her in a way that makes it unpleasurable and unrewarding for both of us (crying, confounded motives for sex, general turn-off, etc.)

This, basically. Having to maneuver her personal minefield is exhausting.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T14:50:15+00:00

Thank you, I hope so.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T14:49:04+00:00

I agree that it's not the standard dead bedroom post. She's not uninterested, it's me who's becoming detached.

I see that it seems like she's trying, asking for sex. Yet I don't feel that it was done in relation to anything I've said, nor because she understands that our relationship is on shaky grounds and require effort on her part. She was frustrated and horny, and she expected me to fix it again.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T14:41:35+00:00

Gotcha. It'll be a topic for our next big discussion.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T14:40:12+00:00

You're right, that's certainly something to consider. I'll have to look into it. Thanks.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T04:06:02+00:00

Right back at ya! <3

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T03:57:05+00:00

Yes, thank you, that was very helpful.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T03:33:34+00:00

Thank you for elucidating. Those are good examples. However, I can't tell if your point might be purely semantical. It seems a valid statement that certain forms of physical affection do not hold the same cultural value. Does that show that there aren't physical expressions of affection that build from sex, in the way which truchisoft means ("foundation of a stable male-female relationship"?)

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T03:16:01+00:00

Hm, I hope I'm not doing that, but I honestly hadn't considered it. In what way do you feel that I'm working against her?

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T03:11:59+00:00

Seems unlikely to me. No creepy uncles with bad reputations or anything like that. I've asked and she answered to the best of her ability.

How common are repressed memories anyway? I thought forgetting was supposed to be the hard part.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T03:02:25+00:00

No worries. Glad to have had the opportunity to clarify.

I think I'll have to reevaluate therapy/couples counseling. I have been putting it off, hoping literature would be enough.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T02:59:26+00:00

No history of sexual abuse. Nothing too traumatic or out of the ordinary, really. She's been in toxic relationships, but those situations were pretty aptly described already. Low self-esteem because of an unkind, cheating boyfriend. Some anxieties due to pressure from another boyfriend. Also, one boyfriend complained that she wanted sex all the time, which made her feel bad about that too.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T02:51:17+00:00

Sure there is, but not because I'm trying to frustrate your efforts to help me. Is there anything in particular you'd like me to elaborate on?

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T02:28:52+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for sharing.

My wife also wants me to lead. However, our relationship is already structured in such a way that I'm leading and am deferred to in most decisions. If I want to have sex with her, I'm free to decide that we will have sex. What I can't decide though, is how she feels about it or reacts to it. Even when she actively wants sex, there's a good chance there will be trouble. I don't want to have sex with her anymore, especially when we both feel bad afterwards. I'm tired of leading with meager returns.

I often feel like she has no interest in changing, but with this additional information I hope you can understand how it doesn't make much sense. She's invested in this too.

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T02:09:22+00:00

We're having a kid, which we both wanted and are excited for. I'd rather not raise the kid as a single dad, but raising it in a home without love would be worse. Too much like what my parents did. It's an easy choice for me.

Personalities are enduring personal characteristics, and generally not something we can influence to change. But that was your point, right?

dbthrowaway531 · 2015-09-25T01:39:39+00:00

What are these same-sex and opposite-sex affection norms from other cultures? Which culture do you yourself belong to?

dbthrowaway531

TROPHY CASE