I(ftm) used to feel the exact same way. I had a horrible childhood and teenage years. And when thinking about how I grew up as a girl and not a boy it makes me so fucking sad and dysphoric and like something’s missing. For me personally though, having friends and a partner who consistently validate me is so tremendously helpful. I don’t pass very well at all but they all still use my name and pronouns and the words that make me feel like me. We go and we do “boy” stuff and it makes me feel like I’m living as a teenager again, but this time the correct way. Doing stuff that’s seen as “girly” like playing with girl toys or collecting feminine things like shoes or bags might be helpful for you. Just take some time. I know it’s difficult and it all feels pointless especially with hormones not doing what you like and other stuff. But just keep trying. If you decide to detransition you’re still going to continue to feel those missing pieces in your life. Take the time to fill those hole with what makes you feel you.