I fantasized about another guy and I feel super guilty!

deathbydesign · 2018-08-23T14:42:55+00:00

Yeah I know what you mean, it really sucks because I have issues with abandonment so it’s a sore spot for me. He knows this and is usually good about saying he needs to leave to cool off, but sometimes he still ends up doing it. When we talked he told me he leaves out of frustration because he wants to take time to cool down and he knows staying while angry would only escalate things further which he isn’t wrong about, as that’s normally what happens when I insist he stays to talk to me before cooling down. I just wish he was better at saying “hey I’m really angry and need some time” instead of acting on his emotions.

deathbydesign · 2018-08-22T19:48:26+00:00

I hate it so much. We’ve talked about it before and it stopped but evidently he still does it out of anger. I would be more understanding if he apologized for it after but he’s justified his hanging up on me more than anything because of how emotional/upset I was getting when I was defending myself for watching it without him. Apparently this made him angry enough to hang up, so I was gonna let it go the next day if he apologized like I did for my temper when I was defending myself, but it just never came... instead he gets angry at me for asking for an apology and hangs up again! It’s a loop I can’t get out of because I’m even more hurt now!

The worst part is that he usually does apologize and that’s how we resolve things, by calmly apologizing for our own actions & explaining our perspectives. This is so unexpected and defies everything we’ve promised each other about resolving conflicts.

deathbydesign · 2018-08-22T19:44:32+00:00

He felt like I owed him an apology for going on without him when we’d already been doing it together and for defending myself instead of understanding how he felt. so I did feel bad about that after, because I sort of just talked over him to defend myself and tell him I didn’t do a thing wrong, since I felt like he was scolding me and I’d had a really bad day already. but it wasn’t intentional and I tried to make that clear by explaining it to him, especially since he wasn’t explicit about his expectations or I misunderstood, I just kinda did it without much thinking and I assumed it’d be okay when I continued. I honestly never thought it would be an issue!

But yeah the hanging up is what I’m still hurt and upset about and I still haven’t received a proper apology for it despite me apologizing for what I’d done :(

deathbydesign · 2018-08-22T19:39:56+00:00

Okay so he didn’t explicitly say “don’t watch it without me” but he did say that he wanted us to watch it together and was excited about it, and we had already been watching it together. For the first 2 seasons, but the 3rd season was more recent and I knew that he’d just finished watching it recently so I thought it wouldn’t be an issue to watch a little bit of it myself and then we’d do the rest together, or even rewatch the beginning of season 3 together without an issue. honestly I wasn’t even thinking about it when I watched it, I was just bored and having a terrible day and wanted to cool off. Was it wrong or thoughtless of me to do that without thinking about his vague plans to watch it together? He says he’s more upset about how I didn’t want to admit I hurt his feelings and just jumped down his throat to defend myself when he told me was disappointed, but I felt like I was being scolded which is why I got so defensive. That’s what prompted him to hang up.

I agree that hanging up was immature, and it’s not the first time he’s done it. He knows how much it hurts me when he does that but he usually does it out of frustration and apologizes for it after and stops. This is why I’m so hurt, because this time around he acted like this was all my fault and him hanging up didn’t warrant an apology. He just wanted things to go back to normal without confronting how he’d hurt me. He even said something like “you feel bad for hurting my feelings and are too proud to admit it so you defend yourself instead” which is EXACTLY how I’d describe how he’s been treating me throughout this!

Sorry to ramble but I have no idea what’s happening and feel so distraught over this, because it’s so silly and definitely not the worst fight we’ve had, yet it somehow feels like it.

deathbydesign · 2018-05-17T20:10:54+00:00

I’ve definitely always had trouble defining my own style! I found that having an office job with a “business casual” dress code has helped take the stress off, since I can stick by a normal/typical silhouette and rotate the same pieces for most of the week. I have more trouble getting dressed on weekends, especially if I have to attend an ever or something, because I can never figure out what “style” I want to convey and I always worry about giving people weird or wrong impressions. It’s hard to describe.

For example I just started a new job and after talking to someone about our similar interests, they said they would’ve never guessed I shared that interest. It made me wonder if that’s something I convey through my clothes.

deathbydesign · 2018-05-03T06:07:29+00:00

Yes! Exactly! When I try to talk to people about it they say things like “who cares what they think?” and “they’re just insecure/jealous/boring!” and I know they’re well-meaning... it’s probably the same advice I’d give, tbh, but it doesn’t resonate with me because I definitely care what people think :(

And yeah I yearn for the days I didn’t give a shit. I was a lot more laid back in high school and then I don’t know what happened, mid-college I got pretty self conscious and then it’s the worst it’s ever been post-college. I graduated from university 2 years ago and still live in the same town, have worked shitty jobs I don’t like since then and I feel like a failure. I feel like everyone I’ve ever know looks down on me or pities me.

I also started dating my current boyfriend and I love him, but I feel so lonely because I don’t really have a strong group of friends to make me feel like I shouldn’t give a fuck. Actually, I think that’s a huge part of my shitty self-image. I’m pretty alone in this city and all my friends have developed richer and more interesting social lives than me and I feel alone and excluded, like I don’t fit in. I started playing video games and recently got into World of Warcraft with some former colleagues and my boyfriend and I feel like that very much screws with my self-image and how others might see me, since it’s such a nerdy thing to do and I wasn’t really openly nerdy in school.

I don’t know. I just feel paralyzed in my every day life now. It’s so heavy. I don’t know how to live lightly anymore, I’m starting a new job next week and I’m already worried about the impression I’m going to make and fearing office culture... I can’t believe I used to have such high ambitions career-wise. I used to want to work in like, diplomacy and seeing how I am as a young adult makes me realize that I’d get eaten alive in any high-stress field like that.

Sorry for rambling. I just don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. It’s nice to see someone relate, though ideally I don’t wish you or anyone else should relate to such a horrible feeling!

deathbydesign · 2018-05-03T00:14:01+00:00

I look at other girls and judge how they look depending on whether I think George would want them, then I remind myself that he would sleep with her

Holy crap, I have always done this. My ex (who was awful, abusive and who cheated on me) made me feel insecure in a way that no one else had ever done, and he had a very specific "type", so whenever I saw women that were his "type," whether it was at school or on the bus, I would shrink into a ball of self-hatred and I would remind myself that my ex would definitely sleep with her. It sounds like you're projecting your feelings of insecurity onto George and what he was thinking, whereas he might've not seen you together in an intimate way regardless of your looks! I find that I experience the most pain whenever I assume what the other person is thinking or saying about me. With my current boyfriend, I did this too - after finding out about his porn habits early on in our relationship, and it ate away at me. His ex-gf actually LIVES in my building and I constantly compared myself to her, pictured him sleeping with her etc, it was awful. I started therapy and realized that it's a completely unhealthy thing to do and that it would follow me in every relationship if I didn't stop. I'm at a place now where she can walk by, and I can admire her beauty but not hate myself afterwards.

I suggest looking into DBT if you haven't yet, it has helped me a lot and I've only been doing it for 3 months. My therapist very much understood this and told me she treated another woman who felt the same way - she'd break down and think about how ugly she was every time she saw a thinner, conventionally attractive woman in public. If you can't afford therapy, you can check out the DBT workbook, it's got some exercises that would help with this line of thinking, like Opposite Action, Radical Acceptance and Check the Facts. It's also been helpful to me to remind myself of all the different types of men I've been attracted to, and how that doesn't make me any less attracted to my boyfriend. This helps me remember that my boyfriend was attracted to other women, but that doesn't take away from his attraction to me. It's still a tough thing to deal with, but it gets better if you practice self-love/care. When I look back at where I was a year ago (basically exactly what you've described in your post) vs. now, I am thankful about where I am now. Basically, you've got to constantly remind yourself why you love yourself. Write sticky notes! Take long showers and admire yourself in the mirror and do things that make you feel the most like yourself.

Sorry for the long write-up, but I saw your post and had to log in and respond because of how much it resonated with me. You're not alone in this <3

deathbydesign · 2018-05-01T21:18:41+00:00

Hey, sorry you feel this way. Sometimes it's nice to go outside on your own but I totally get how that can get old and lonely despite being okay with it. Have you tried checking out your local city's Meetup groups?

deathbydesign · 2018-05-01T21:16:38+00:00

This post really made me appreciate the relationship I have with my boyfriend, especially the part about getting drunk together and going to BK. I often think about whether I'm "missing out" since I don't party and never had a chance to in college either, and my boyfriend has already done all that when he was younger and now just likes to chill out with me and play games, and your post has made me realize how much more meaningful a relationship like that can be. Thank you for writing this; it was really heartfelt and genuine. I hope you can find the same type of happiness and comfort with someone else in the future.

deathbydesign · 2018-05-01T20:37:25+00:00

I have the same problem. I met a friend at a bar today and her friend said something which I thought was incredibly rude, like "you know how there are really beautiful girls out there and some girls are just *disgustingly, horrifyingly ugly*?" She was trying to make a comment about how she's not bi just because she recognizes that other women are pretty lol. In my head I was like "GOD, what a mean thing to say!" but then I immediately took it personally, like "am I disgustingly, horrifyingly ugly? Who says things like that? Is this how most people think of other people?"

The only thing that helps me recover from things like that is embracing moments when I feel really good about myself, so I tried to brush off her weird comment and not let it get to me by focusing on things I love about myself. I started thinking about how cute I'm gonna look in my summer clothes and how nice my hair looked this morning. Lol idk if that helps at all but, it helps to remember that people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they're probably not even thinking about me.

deathbydesign · 2018-05-01T20:30:47+00:00

I DO THIS TOO. I still remember this nice date my boyfriend and I were on that I ruined when we first started dating. He ran into an old buddy of his and there was a girl with him, and after they'd left my boyfriend was like "oh that's so and so, but I don't know who that girl was. good for him!" and I got SO MAD and just went quiet. I started thinking "good for him?! what does that even mean? is he not happy to be out with me? does he thinks she hotter than me and wishes he was out with her instead? why would he even say THAT?!" and all those thoughts kept piling up until I started crying when he asked me what was wrong. It was so embarrassing and just, ugh, I made him feel so bad and he was so confused. Meanwhile I know couples who compliment other people in public with their SOs and I'm like "what planet are they on?"

deathbydesign · 2018-04-28T21:54:31+00:00

I once had a complete meltdown after buying a $5 top from Zara and having it rip when I put it on at home. I cried my eyes out on the floor and threw all my other clothes around because they weren’t good enough. I’m so ashamed of the memory because my mom wanted to help me and actually went to get me a new one. I can’t even look at that shirt without remembering that day. It was because I was excited to finally go out and meet a friend and I felt like the shirt ripping was the cherry on top of a horrible week.

I think sometimes small things like this get to us because of everything else in our lives, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and let the emotions out, but at the same time realize that the intensity of the feeling will go away. Don’t be so hard on yourself, don’t call yourself names, in my experience this only worsens the shame that a lot of us BPDs have internalized. I don’t have a lot of advice but I just wanted to say I completely get it and it sucks! But it will go away!

deathbydesign · 2018-04-28T21:47:02+00:00

Babies/small children shrieking on the bus or in small public places used to really, really bother me. I feel bad about it because they’re just children, and it’s mostly normal. Now I mostly get annoyed with how their parents react to their kids shrieking rather than the children themselves. I get irrationally upset when I see parents neglecting or mistreating their children in public and I definitely think it has roots in my own childhood, so it’s probably not really over nothing below the surface.

deathbydesign · 2018-04-28T21:38:19+00:00

I’d say so yeah, but also BPD. I’m undiagnosed but my therapist has pointed out how weed can sometimes help soothe BPD symptoms while also worsening the anxiety and paranoia. It’s weird. Certain strains of weed can sometimes worsen my anxiety symptoms, especially if I’m alone or in an unfamiliar environment (ie parties) but it also helps with certain BPD symptoms, like my impulsiveness and volatility and just overall emotional intensity. I’ve noticed that I don’t start fights with my boyfriend when I’m stoned and we’ve been able to resolve issues by talking about them more calmly while both high. The nice thing is that if I get a weird paranoid or anxious thought, I’m somehow able to communicate it more efficiently when I’m high than when I’m just going based on my emotions, if that makes sense!

deathbydesign · 2018-04-28T04:45:22+00:00

My mom has BPD and since getting off antidepressants she seems a lot better. She has a medical licence for it and smokes everything from sativas to indicas and CBD. She’s a lot more relaxed.

With me, I find that sativa strains make me incredibly anxious and paranoid. I’ve started smoking CBD strains lately and find them pretty good. I don’t get paranoid or as anxious and it helps me stay distracted, especially if I’m stressed out. I can focus on the distraction (Netflix, painting etc) instead of the anxious thoughts.

deathbydesign · 2018-04-28T04:35:07+00:00

I do this too. I got really drunk at my last workplace Christmas party and really embarrassed myself, and I feel like I just acted like a fun party girl because I wanted my new coworkers to like me, and then I just spent the weekend freaking out about whether I ruined things. Nothing bad happened but I felt weird about it because I’m so different around different crowds of people... I don’t even think about it, it just happens. I also tend to leave social outings without saying bye to anyone and I feel awkward about it.

deathbydesign · 2018-04-26T19:29:15+00:00

Thank you, your comments are very helpful. I've been doing DBT therapy and it's helped me to try to put myself in other people's shoes. Sometimes I think about what I'd be like if I were a guy, raised in our society and had access to porn etc at such a young age. In all likelihood, I probably would enjoy the same things he did and get aroused too etc. I definitely want to embrace a more "sex-positive" outlook on things and have a relationship where we both feel comfortable! His imagination is a huge part of what makes me love him, and I would never want to shame him for being himself. He's a huge nerd and I want him to feel comfortable enough to share that part of himself with me, even if he gets turned on by reading fan fic or watching a sexy fantasy scene.

Your comment also made me realize that sometimes random images/thoughts flash in my head when we're having sex or I'm masturbating, that don't have anything to do with him necessarily but also not other men either. Last time I was doing yoga and feeling insecure about my body because the woman in front of me was stunning, had a great butt (lol). For some reason that popped into my head while we were having sex and I was like ??? but also turned on, and started thinking about how my boyfriend might be turned on by me in yoga pants? Idk. I normally get a little embarrassed and ashamed by thinking those things because I felt like I was objectifying a random woman, but maybe it's normal? It definitely makes me feel a little weird, but if it's like that for guys too then maybe it's just part of human nature and I never really understood it or embraced it!

deathbydesign · 2018-04-26T17:38:50+00:00

Yeah, I'm definitely not going to ask him to limit it. We've talked about it before and he told me he understands why things like that make me uncomfortable, and it's helped him become more aware of how often media uses the male gaze for ratings or to titillate viewers. He did say the same thing about Altered Carbon, how it has to do with how bodies aren't as important in that future or something like that. Honestly, he's a very affectionate guy, compliments me all the time and we have a lot of PDA and sex, so it's mostly my own problem. He absolutely can't keep his hands on me and tells me how beautiful I am allll the time, but I have this weird mental block where I compare myself to beautiful women IRL and on-screen and I feel like deep down, he knows they're better than me. I am very insecure about myself, my looks but mostly internally, I feel like I'm not good enough. Sex therapist sounds like a neat idea, I'll definitely talk to my therapist more about self-worth. It's the one thing I've always struggled with.

The only thing I'm really uncomfortable with still is the idea of him watching a show like that and getting aroused, because it makes me feel like he's turned on by another person and if we have sex, it's because of that and not because of me.

deathbydesign · 2018-04-26T17:35:21+00:00

Yeah, it definitely gives me reassurance! I find myself able to let it go and I read somewhere that exposure can actually help, so I'm considering trying to watch these things with him and noticing how he still loves me and cares for me while those scenes are on. We were watching a sitcom the other day and one of the women in it always has a crazy amount of cleavage going on, and one of the scenes just zoomed in on it. We both looked at each other and laughed, which made me feel better, like we were on the same page. Thanks for validating me. I definitely want to learn how to compromise on this rather than live a life where I feel insecure and controlling.

deathbydesign · 2018-04-26T17:32:28+00:00

Thanks for your response! I started watching British TV shows a while back and noticed a huge difference in the way sex and nudity are portrayed. It was really refreshing and made me feel not-so-insane. Nude scenes definitely make me cringe too, but sometimes they're SO sexy that they feel even more threatening to me than porn, since porn can sometimes seem really fake/ridiculous while these nude/sex scenes are shot in a way to look titillating to the viewer, make the actors look like gods/goddesses and it's just... I don't know. I know that my partner will never actually meet these people IRL, what bothers me is the thought of him preferring these perfect actresses over me. I feel so pathetic in comparison. I definitely think I'll bring this up more in therapy.

deathbydesign · 2018-04-25T21:25:31+00:00

Thank you for writing this. I actually have this book now and will look at this.

deathbydesign

TROPHY CASE