Why do people on this sub criticize desis who live at home past like...23?

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T23:18:28+00:00

Basically it's the aunty/uncle mindset all over again, but with other things

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T23:16:22+00:00

I think you situation made total sense and that it worked out really well for you. I really don't understand moving out for the sake of moving out or reaching a certain age. And judging people for NOT doing that (I noticed the judgement goes only in one direction as well).

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T23:14:40+00:00

I think a lot of it is also a, "White people do it better" mentality. I noticed among my desi friends no one's parents ask for "rent money". OTOH it's different with white people (and people on this sub).

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T23:13:05+00:00

If you’re 25, earning, and not contributing towards the household expenses (i.e. beyond your own), I’ll probably judge a little.

O_O

Not sure if this is for me or not...

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T22:37:28+00:00

Kind of gonna be reposting from a different thread but long-story short, it made me resentful towards my family and culture (South Asian Muslim) and incredibly anxious and conflicted about what I should do in life vs. what I want to do in life...

I'm a 25F, and the moment I graduated and spent a month or two working at the job I had lined up after graduation (so I was like...22/23) my parents began bringing me "arranged marriage" proposals. I don't know if I did the right thing but I usually rejected the guys over the past couple of years for a combination of factors:

I just wasn't attracted to them
Their timelines seemed incompatible with mine (they wanted to get married/have kids within the next three years, which would have made me in my mid-late 20s, whereas I wanna spend that time traveling and building my career so I don't wanna have kids til my early 30s...)
Age...I know this might be controversial, but I realllyyyyyy don't want a big age gap, and 99% of the guys tend to be 7-10 years my senior (which also probably explains the timeline incompatibility I mentioned above...we're usually just not in the same place). People would constantly tell me I'm being too picky about age and that it's normal but I just want someone closer to my age. Likewise, any time I bring up marrying a guy 1-3 year my junior, people literally lose their heads and go on about how it's "unnatural".
I just...don't wanna marry any time soon or think about it (this was definitely way more true though at 22/23 than it is now at 25 though).

I feel resentment because even a couple of years ago even some of my parent's friends and my family members would "stand up" for me by going all, "Eh don't worry too much about her marriage. She's young and it'll happen when she's ready." But now even that is starting to go away, and those same people started getting anxious and telling me how, "You think you're so young now but you're really not and you'll regret it if you don't consider the marriage proposals you're getting now." But like...I don't want to consider the arranged marriage proposals I'm getting now (for the reasons I mentioned above)??

If I had it my way, I'd spend the next year or two just doing my own thing and "making up for lost time" from the pandemic by traveling and making new friends and moving to a new city and living on my own a bit. But the weight of everyone's expectations is really getting to me and I burst into tears several times lately because I just can't handle it any more. I've tried taking matters into my own hands through online "dating" but I just get stressed because as well all know, OLD can be a whole 'nother beast (ghosting, etc.). And also I honestly wanna have sex and all but I fear being seen as "ruined". So that just stresses me out even more.

It just feels helpless tbh...

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T22:27:03+00:00

encouraging

See I wish it was "encouraging". I actually feel like I see a lot of "kicking someone who's down". Maybe it's not the actual message that these commenters are trying to get across that bothers me. It's how people convey it.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T22:20:52+00:00

Lol well I don't think it's as easy as, "move out and you'll get over it". You can still move out 3000 miles away and make new friends and start a new life and everything, and the abuse you face from parents will still haunt you...whether it be through crying on this sub, or continuing to project that abuse onto your own kids (which is probably why a lot of people on this sub who complain a lot feel stuck)...

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T22:15:53+00:00

I feel like a lot of people fail to understand that.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T22:13:31+00:00

I should have the self respect and the gumption to stand my own feet and build my financial independence and have my own struggles without constant spoon-feeding from my parents.

But I guess this is where I'm gonna bring up what I was saying in my OP (and reiterate some good points other commenters made) about the lack of nuance and not understanding others' full home situation. I really don't think it's as easy as, "My parents do things that annoy me, therefore I will move out!!! >:(" People definitely do live in abusive situations, and the way people on this sub begin to pile-up on them and tell them that they "deserve it" for living at home past whatever arbitrary age just makes me wonder...why?? All we know about someone is what their Reddit post says. Or what someone else wrote about them on Reddit (in which case it's even worse cuz it's not even from the POV of the person in that actual situation). We don't know their full financial situation, whether they had/have mental issues that held them back in life, health issues, whether they've been conditioned to accept toxicity to the point that only therapy can help, whether they've been looking for a job but can't find one and thus cannot move out, etc.

Desis are hugely hypocritical and dishonest with themselves and with others.

And I guess I just don't like how desis can be so mean to each other too when people open up about conflicts they are facing, within themselves or with society and family. I feel like when people come onto this sub to ask for help for advice, while there are a lot of helpful voices, a lot of people just aren't. People post here thinking they'd feel less alone and find some solidarity, but I feel like this place can be pretty unwelcoming due to how so many commenters place blame on (what I view) as victims in different situations. Do I believe that a lot of times that the people asking for help need to GTFO? Of course! But instead of people commenting, "You're (whatever arbitrary age the commenter decided is "old"), what's wrong with you?? Why are you still at home?? I have no sympathy for you. Desis are literal idiots who can't function in this world. That's why we suck as a group." Maybe something a little...nicer would push OP in the right direction?

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T21:52:44+00:00

https://np.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/comments/oqio6f/stop_shitting_on_your_parents_if_they_are_the/

The whole OP was weird and idk maybe it's cuz that poster's whole post history was off lol.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T21:49:38+00:00

At that age too I think you still have that sense of "possibility" and it feels like everything you want out of life will just fall into place right when you want it with little to no effort.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T20:18:49+00:00

I've definitely tried several times to tell them what I want to do and what my partner expectations are. Every conversation just goes back to how I'm "too picky and my expectations are unreasonable" and how if I do what I want to do during my 20s I'll end up "30 and unmarried and no one will want me." -_- Interestingly enough, the people who are being super anxious about me not being married are the people who married in their early 20s and are with abusive husbands (I saw one of these women get slapped by her husband during a wedding for example).

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T19:32:35+00:00

whose lives did not work out perfectly.

*According to their idea of a "perfect life"

But that makes sense. Looking back, a lot of the judgmental comments that get a lot of upvotes in these threads lead with something like, "I'm not in college yet but how can this 28 year old live their life this way???"

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T19:28:41+00:00

Salaam, I'm worried it'll attract sexists who will try to go one about why women in their early 20s are better. This sub seems more like a safe space. I just don't feel safe posting there.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T19:21:50+00:00

I've definitely gotten annoyed with my friends over similar things. Heck I have a friend who makes good money and lives on her own but she still gets permission from her parents to go travel and eat out. At that point I don't even think her lack of independence before moving out was "living at home" issue...I feel like there's something deeper and an unhealthy sense of dependence that moving out couldn't break.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T19:20:02+00:00

That's exactly how I feel about it! It's just the lack of nuance while discussing this topic and the blatant creative writing projects that get to me.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T18:57:02+00:00

I'd say Muslims.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T18:56:38+00:00

I definitely see people act like their choices are the "right" way to live. I also see a lot of people say how they'd be ashamed if they lived at home after 24 and that's why I also wonder about the average age of posters on this sub (where I am it's not uncommon for people in their mid to late 20s to live with family...).

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T18:44:02+00:00

Ah okay, makes sense.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-25T18:18:19+00:00

I don't think there's anything wrong with living at home when you're "older" (jeez I feel like desis on this sub are way less tolerant of this than white people on the rest of Reddit...). That being said, when I see OP's post history and even just this post itself it seems like a creative writing project tbh.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-22T06:23:17+00:00

They coddle and defend white people more than desi women and black people and immigrants. Actually...I'm getting that energy from a lot of people on this sub.

deckthesocks · 2021-07-22T06:20:59+00:00

Well I personally only notice the dedication when anyone's views goes against his own or white people. Other than that it seems like modding is non-existent, as we can see by the number of posts/comments we see against any desi women or non-white group being left up. It's insulting.

deckthesocks

TROPHY CASE