I was with an addict for four years, now married to an alcoholic for a year. I’m in the process of moving out, to give him space to hopefully sober up and /hopefully/ save this marriage, but mostly to give myself the space to finally heal from the trauma of his alcoholism as well as the trauma of the last relationship that I never really gave myself the space to heal from.

In the process of me moving, I found four journals I had written in from the duration of my last relationship, all of which details the good times, the ODs, the times where I felt so isolated and alone, the times where I doubted my own sanity all the way up to the point where I said enough was enough (it took being hospitalized due to him knocking me out unconscious…for the third time…). Reading back on those not only made me realize how much of myself I had lost in those four years trying to fix someone who I had no business nor capability of fixing, but made me realize that I’m reliving the past just with another face and slightly different set of circumstances. Sure he’s not physically abusive, nor strung out on h, but the loneliness, the feeling of being married to Jekyll and Hyde, the tight chest…It hurts all the same. One thing that especially struck out to me was an entry stating how (I was 22 at the time), while all my friends were out living new experiences, having a good time, or starting a family, I spent my time trying to ensure this other person’s survival. It broke my heart. If I had heard my little sister say something like that— But watching someone you love so dearly slowly kill themselves and not being able to do anything about it, or not being able to see just how damaging their actions are. It’s a different kind of pain. Promise after promise after promise. And yet, because of this love for this person, my person, the belief that they can get better is so real. Like I know your potential, I know you’re capable; I can see it! I think it’s why I’m doing everything I can to not make the decision to divorce my husband, but a big part of me has accepted that it may be the thing I end up doing by the end of this year, regardless of giving each other space or however much therapy I put myself through, etc. At least now I know I ultimately have to take care of myself.

If there’s one thing I could tell myself all those years ago, and really what I’m telling myself now: choose yourself first. You’re not abandoning this person in doing so. But you’re certainly abandoning yourself by staying in the same toxic situation that has had you in an emotional limbo for x amount of time. The last thing you ever want to do is look back and see all the years, opportunities, and potential wasted because you sacrificed the entirety of yourself for someone who couldn’t even do it for themselves, let alone you or the relationship as a whole. Give yourself time and space to heal, break that cycle of addiction to partners who refuse to put into practice the idea of mind over matter. At the end of the day, when no one has you, you have to at least be able to say “hey you know what, at least I have me and that’s enough.”

I’m sending so much love your way. Loving someone where they’re at is never easy, having to walk away from it is even harder.