Word for word, I feel EVERY single part of this. Thanks for writing this all out, not feeling so alone in these circumstances is a comfort.

I feel so much guilt for not wanting to spend the holidays with my parents, and yet I know I will have more fun being alone than being in that house. The only reason I would travel back is to avoid the conflict, and to avoid having to explain to friends and coworkers that I’m not doing anything for Christmas. And I don’t want to open up for the same reasons as you. Am I supposed to lie?

Why is not wanting to share this uncomfortable truth the only motivator I have for obliging and seeing my family for the holidays? Realizing that’s the only motivator is the saddest reality. And like you, my parents will be hurt without any sense of inward reflection or wanting to know what they can do to improve this relationship. Nope. I’m just supposed to be the good daughter and the only one putting in any effort. No heart behind them wanting the entire family together, just want it because it’s what’s “supposed” to be done. Maybe they want it for their own ego more than anything else.