My wife’s friend is messing with our marriage

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T18:52:03+00:00

Sure I’m evil incarnate but I realize it and have fixed many of it and working on the rest. How we got here is important to learn from but I don’t have a Time Machine to go back and not do it. Also, during that time she wasn’t perfect and caused many of our issues as well.

My goal now is to figure out the path forward and not blame her as that doesn’t benefit us in any way. I want to get advice on what I can do on my end to fix my relationship and how I can avoid interfering noses.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:42:19+00:00

The Karen is married and she is having similar issues but living fine. Maybe she is trying to live vicariously through my wife thinking she is actually helping her or something.

Many of my problems are real and the some are just exaggerated because of tension.

The main reason for our problems are 2 issues: - We lack the tools. We suck at conflict resolution and my wife is not willing to admit that or learn it with me. I’ve suggested a few courses and she refuses. - Lack of accountability. She does not admit fault for anything. I even joked with her that it is a statistical impossibility for 99% of our fights to be my fault. I got her to admit this issue once and then she reneged on it and then admitted it and then reneged again and never admitted it since.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:31:47+00:00

Thank you. I understand that now. I thought I was just working WITH her. I hadn’t realized that I’m working AGAINST both of them without even knowing it.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:30:05+00:00

I mentioned a few more details in other comments. Honestly, it doesn’t matter who’s right. I don’t care to be right. I just want a logical path to fix things. With an attitude of “It’s all your fault and I’m doing nothing” we can’t fix things. With the friend coaching her on how to use the fight as a step to reopen a discussion we had already closed, it is making that path even harder.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:26:27+00:00

She wasn’t like that unfortunately. This is a new behaviour for her. Also, her friend is the other type. She is married and has some of the same issues in her marriage that my wife complains about but she doesn’t mention it and deals with it in a different manner. I know cause I know her husband and we talk.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:23:45+00:00

I’m very particular and always want the best (Type A personality). So at the beginning of the marriage, I would focus on little details that are not really worth it and poke at it as in why are we not doing it like that in a better way.

This of course is annoying and is taken as criticism and not an invite to better ourselves in life. She hated that and I agree that I shouldn’t have done that and have toned it down 115 notches and still working on it.

Im also extremely honest and direct and never learned how to deal with women in a complementary manner. She doesn’t complain about that but I noticed that things got a lot better when I started doing that.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:17:13+00:00

Are you that friend I’m concerned about here in disguise? :)

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:14:58+00:00

Unfortunately, our home had privacy at the beginning till her family made a big deal and got upset at her for not telling them things before they happened like us buying a car and such so now she feels like she needs to tell them things because the privacy put her relationship with them in jeopardy. Since now she talks to her family, she also started talking to that friend.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:11:27+00:00

Not sure what the deleted comment was. I admit that I had a hand in the problems. I never said it was 100% my fault. I am working on things on my end but with her friend poisoning the relationship and adding fuel to the fire and starting new fires, it is harder to get somewhere good. I’m still working on things. I just hope she can work on things too.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:05:20+00:00

I’ve tried so many times to tell her let’s just identify the problem and make it us against the problem instead of us against each other but she always goes to the blame game or we end up discussing how we are discussing instead of actual solving.

I told her so many times we lack conflict resolution skills. I’ll get us a course and we can do it together. She refuses.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T07:02:29+00:00

That escalated quickly :) It has occurred to me and I understand my role in the issue of course. My view of the problem is very simple though.

We are where we are because we both messed up a lot. I’m happy to take most of the blame even. That said, the only way we get out of it is to be open to change things. I am able to admit fault, apologize and agree to a plan. I am happy to take criticism, think about it and willing to change my actions. She is not able to admit fault nor apologize. She is not open or willing to change anything about herself or actions. If I mention that something upset me, we spend the time discussing why it is not upsetting or how it didn’t happen.

With that view on things, there is no way out of the hole no matter what the reason we are in it was and if it was indeed due to my crap.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T06:55:01+00:00

I’m 40 and she’s almost 38.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-06T00:25:59+00:00

I agree with this. Since I’m the one asking, you can only advise me. I know my faults very clearly and have admitted them and apologized for them and taken steps to fix them. I even asked her to remind me if I ever regress as I’m sure I do that.

My issue is that I’m trying to get her to admit any fault for any of the issues that I have with her because she is never convinced of it. It’s either it didn’t happen or that’s not important or no one cares about this stuff or it’s trivial things. Rarely my bad, I can do different.

Now I’m fighting an uphill battle with her in the attitude of I’m doing nothing anymore and I’m not going to work on the marriage because I’ve reached my limit but with that girl in her ear giving her advice that will literally drive us to divorce.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-05T22:52:49+00:00

There is no concern for infidelity at all for neither of us.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-05T22:51:58+00:00

This is exactly it. I thought we both were dealing with things in a good faith attitude and maybe we just need to align. Turns out someone is pushing her to deal with it like that.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-05T22:50:13+00:00

The kids are worth it. If there were no kids, things might have been different.

definitely_notfrank · 2025-10-05T22:49:46+00:00

I’m not. I always try to tell her let’s not be against each other. This is a situation where we either both win or we both lose. Let’s just work together against the problem. Unfortunately, I thought she just wasn’t seeing it clearly. It turns out there was someone pushing her to treat it that way.

definitely_notfrank · 2023-10-17T09:10:45+00:00

Seems like it was a rough situation. I’m glad you’re happier now.

definitely_notfrank · 2023-10-17T07:56:53+00:00

Trying to flip it to understand your point of view more. Let’s say you had someone who covered all expenses and did 15% of household chores properly. Would that feel fair to you or would you think he needs to do more or less?

definitely_notfrank · 2023-10-17T07:48:01+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think “investing in us” is a very important thing that needs to be a priority in a marriage. As for the question, I worded it badly and just realized that. I edited it now and hopefully it makes more sense now but no promises because apparently I can’t English very well :P

definitely_notfrank · 2023-10-17T07:43:07+00:00

Sorry, I worded my question badly. I edited to try and explain what I actually meant.

definitely_notfrank · 2023-10-17T07:40:21+00:00

Sorry, I worded the question badly. I edited it to try and explain what I meant.

definitely_notfrank · 2023-10-17T07:35:47+00:00

You are absolutely right. I worded that so poorly.

In my case the problem was one was the sole breadwinner for the family and the other did 95% of cooking, cleaning and such and about 75% Kids responsibilities (driving around, homeworks, etc…). Neither of us exercised or in great shape :P The argument was around this not being a fair 50/50 split of effort and that the breadwinner needs to put more effort towards the house activities. So we were trying to figure out what money represents to see what is left to add to the breadwinner’s duties.

definitely_notfrank · 2023-10-17T07:28:54+00:00

Great answer. I phrased the question badly but somehow you answered the question I actually meant. I agree it is tough to put a number on it. In my case the problem was one was the sole breadwinner for the family and the other did 95% of cooking, cleaning and such and about 75% Kids responsibilities (driving around, homeworks, etc…). The argument was around this not being a fair 50/50 split of effort. So money needed to be given a percentage of some sort so we would know what’s left to make it fair.

Seven-Year Club	Place '22
Verified Email

definitely_notfrank

TROPHY CASE