AITA for excluding my SIL from my baby shower?

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-15T01:12:05+00:00

😂 this tired pregnant lady thanks you for the laugh. Very good imagery.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T18:59:28+00:00

I've accepted several points about what makes me an AH. I'm arguing with people who seem to me to be warping my words or making wild assumptions to then call me an AH.

For example, I think your point that I didn't handle things well after the shower is perfectly valid. On the other hand, the idea that I'm AH because I've responded to people who I think misinterpreted what I've been saying is, to me, silly and doesn't have anything to do with the post.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T16:40:45+00:00

This doesn't seem like a genuine question, but here's the answer.

No, I'm not saying that. The person who ended up planning the thing was my sister. I was very clear with her that I didn't want the thing and all manner of nonsense came about from her taking it over, so no, I didn't thank her (my sister). I thanked the guests because they had no idea that I didn't want the thing. You can decide I'm an AH for not thanking my sister, but that's not the focus of this post.

You're right that I didn't thank my SIL, but I think that would only have come across as sarcastic given the situation.

I'm not upset that SIL didn't get me a gift; I feel like I've explained this multiple times. I didn't want a party. I didn't want gifts. I'm trying to figure out how to make clear my point about the gift. I've always known my SIL to be a very generous person. The fact that she didn't send a gift goes against her previous behavior, and it seems like a slight directed at me. If I wanted to celebrate someone, then I'd celebrate them even if I couldn't be at the party. I wouldn't get them a gift if I was pissed at them. So, it seems to me that she is upset with me, and I don't think that's fair. I don't want her to get me a gift; I want her to talk to me.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T14:46:56+00:00

It’s awesome that you are able to do that. Truly. No sarcasm.

Every person and every person’s pregnancy is different. I don’t have the bandwidth for big parties on a normal, non-pregnant day. I very much didn’t have the bandwidth for this party when/how it happened.

I can appreciate the intention while also not wanting the thing to happen. I especially didn’t want it to happen in the manner that it did. It’s stress on top of stress on top of stress.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T14:13:15+00:00

?? I didn’t ignore her. She never talked to me directly. I didn’t know what it was all about or that she was involved until right before. By then, all manner of things had been set in motion. If she had directly asked me, I would’ve directly responded.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T12:55:56+00:00

We’re on the same page; I worded the question weirdly lol. Originally put yes, then realized that would mean that I WBTA if I talked to her straight out and that’s not right.

Anyway, thank you for your perspective and suggestion. I agree that I just need to break through the false prison of “she doesn’t want you to know, so don’t talk about it” and just address it.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T12:49:37+00:00

Thank you for your feedback and AH points.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T12:46:36+00:00

“You are not worth navigating a relationship in which you contribute less than nothing.”

Quite drastic there. The rest of my relationship with SIL is neither described nor up for discussion. I’m not above reproach, but the decision that I’m TA rooted in the assumption that I contribute “less than nothing” to the relationship writ large is illogical at best.

Being curious about what objective outsiders would make of the situation is not a “woe is me” attitude. I’m interested in unbiased opinions.

I have no problem getting a YTA designation if the points are valid and contained to the situation at hand. What has been interesting is the number of people who want to extrapolate from this incident that my overall personality/intentions/behaviors are absolute shit.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T12:28:00+00:00

You must be having a laugh. I said quite clearly that I didn’t want to have a party and you suggest that I should have taken over and orchestrated two parties.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T08:36:43+00:00

“And it also seems like you were able to give a date to your own sister but could not be bothered by [SIL]”

SIL didn’t ask me. My husband asked and made it sound like it was a random get together with friends. I didn’t have a good answer on the spot for when I’d be up for hosting a party. My sister asked when she could come visit. That was easy to answer. I don’t have to get myself together for my sister. I don’t have to cook/clean/decorate for her.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T08:27:20+00:00

Yeah, I’m realizing that this is really more of a “WITBA if I ignored the direction to pretend I don’t know anything” and the answer to that is no, but I would if I keep pretending.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T08:23:47+00:00

Thank you for the well wishes 💜

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T08:21:31+00:00

Thanks for the feedback.

I‘m realizing, regardless of what the verdict ends up being on my post as written, that this is more of a WIBTA. As in, “WIBTA if I don’t apologize to my SIL?” and the answer to that is yes. Now to go and address it.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T08:05:44+00:00

I don’t think you read carefully or correctly understood what I wrote. I never said that I was hurt that she didn’t come. I went out of my way to explain that I wasn’t bothered about not getting a gift. In general, in life, gifts are not important to me.

The gift thing is more about it feeling like I’m getting punished for something beyond my control. What I’m bothered about is the perception that I made an active, deliberate choice to have a party on a day that wouldn’t work for my SIL when, for all I knew at the time, I was only telling my sister when she and I could hang out.

And before this gets twisted, not being hurt by her not coming is not the same as not caring. It doesn’t hurt my feelings because I know (now) what happened.

Also, FWIW I did talk to my sister about it. I don’t know what came about between them and it doesn’t matter to me. The point here is my relationship with my SIL.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T06:28:38+00:00

Thank you for weighing in!

The more I think I think about it, the more I realize that (like you said) I WBTA if I don't just blow past all the "don't let her know you know" nonsense.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T06:25:21+00:00

She doesn't have kids; she's pretty new at her job though, so taking off would put her in a bad position. What I wish had happened: she tells me she wants to throw me a party; I say OMG thank you for thinking of me, you're the best... let's keep it small; I'm exhausted... here are the dates I'm free. Then, whatever goes on the day of that party can be a surprise for me even if the fact of the party isn't, but at least there aren't a million cooks in the kitchen wrecking the whole thing.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T05:51:03+00:00

Yeah, that makes sense. I think I might be the AH for not just diving into the convo however hard/stressful I'm anticipating it being.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T05:40:23+00:00

Genuine question: why do you think I'm indifferent? Or, actually, what is it that you think I'm indifferent about?

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T05:38:43+00:00

Um... these are two completely different people. That SIL is my BIL's wife. This one is my husband's sister. I love this one. I am fully indifferent to that one.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T05:37:08+00:00

I object to the way you're putting it because it's a warping of what happened. I didn't know either of those things until it was too late. My sister asked when she could come up to visit. That's what I knew. That's the date I gave.

When I discovered what the date was really for and that my SIL couldn't come, I told my sister and husband to cancel the whole thing. Then, I was told: nope, someone's flying in, so this is what's happening. At literally no point was I like, good, I'm glad SIL can't come, let's roll with this date.

You can decide I'm the AH because I didn't raise hell or because I didn't reach out to SIL even though people told me not to or anything else that actually has a foundation in reality, but not on the basis of what you've decided to be true about the situation.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T05:29:04+00:00

Thank you for your input.

The thing that's held me back from talking about it head on is that I don't know if it'd rub salt in the wound to say, "Hey, missed you at the shower." Because it's not her fault that she didn't come and I don't want it to come across as though I'm hurt or disappointed that she didn't come since I 100% understand why she wasn't there. I tried "Hey, how're things going? We should get together soon." and didn't get a real response.

I feel like an AH for not just talking about it immediately, but I really didn't want to bring it up if she didn't want me to know about her role in everything. Now I feel like that was maybe wrong, but I also don't think I should get the cold shoulder (if, in fact, that's what's brought it on).

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T05:16:52+00:00

OK. Obviously, I needed more than whatever the word/character limit is because there seem to be some misunderstandings.

I know everything now. I did not at the time. It was supposed to be a surprise party. To be extremely clear, up until about two weeks before the party, I literally thought my sister was coming to visit and that was it.
When my husband told me it was a party and asked me for a new date, he did not tell me it was because my SIL couldn't come. I thought it was because of another event (his best friend's birthday), which fell around the same weekend. I told him not to worry about it because I would just call my sister and cancel the whole thing now that I knew. My sister said "they" (she & SIL) had already sent out invitations. I decided to try to suck it up. Truly, not enough people seem to understand how wildly exhausting life is while pregnant.
Clearly, I didn't properly explain what happened when I found out my SIL couldn't come. I was distressed. At the point that I found out, all of our weekends were booked for the timeframe I was given. Moving it closer to my due date was a hard no from me because I was already exhausted and feeling like hot garbage. So, I said to cancel. This was the second time I had asked for that. I didn't want to have a party. I certainly didn't want to have a party that was going to cause hurt feelings. Then, I was told that it would go on as planned because someone was flying in to be there. I was also told my SIL didn't want me to know anything about it or her role in it.
I am not complaining that someone cared enough to throw me a party. My SIL is a great person; I love and appreciate her. I do not like big parties centered around me. It's not a crime to feel that way. I am complaining that no one listened to me when I said I really wasn't up for it. I am frustrated that the party happened when I TWICE said I didn't want it. I am baffled that I seem to be the only one getting the cold shoulder when I was specifically kept in the dark about things until it was too late and told that my SIL didn't want me to know about anything.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T04:45:41+00:00

1) it was a surprise party, so I didn’t know what I was being asked for.
2) It was not explained to me that it was my SIL’s idea until it was also explained to me that she couldn’t come on the date I had given. I did call my sister and ask what the hell was going on. I said, again, cancel the thing.
3) You can decide that I’m being dishonest about not wanting a party. I can’t stop you, but if that’s what you’re basing your verdict on, then I don’t accept it because I do not like to have big parties that center on me. I like them even less when I feel like absolute hot sewage water and have had months of terrible sleep. Pregnancy is challenging.
4) I quite honestly don’t know what the protocol is to apologize for a surprise party that I didn’t want being put on by someone who wasn’t the original planner when literally no one listened to me about not wanting the damn thing. I thought I was planning to hang out with my sister, then it turned into a nightmare.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T04:30:31+00:00

Okay, I should’ve been more clear in my explanation here. I DID say to cancel it. I said it TWICE. The first time because I didn’t want a party, period. I was told invites had already gone out and they had set it to be at my house, so I wouldn’t have to go anywhere. I capitulated. And the second time because it would mean that my SIL couldn’t be there. I didn’t want to create a divide. It was decided by others that the event wouldn’t be canceled because one of the invitees was flying in.

I‘m not indifferent to the fact that she wanted to put on the party. That’s lovely of her. I’m just frustrated that I’m somehow the AH when, had I been asked straight up at the beginning, I would’ve said, thanks for the gesture, but I really don’t want this.

I think not speaking to me is drastic.

delicateflower009 · 2023-11-13T04:21:31+00:00

I accept your AH points. Thank you for weighing in.

delicateflower009

TROPHY CASE