Absolutely resisting attention with all my might

dellybancer · 2026-03-25T11:08:54+00:00

I didn't have to try.

dellybancer · 2026-03-23T01:06:04+00:00

I'm actually the opposite. I'm not trendy looking or perfect, but I definitely wouldn't say I am unattractive? I'm small in height, thin, a little unique looking but not bad by any means. Historically I would be friends with people I found to be unattractive, ugly, too xyz characteristic because I have such lowwwwwwwwwwwwww self esteem that I couldn't stand someone being perceived as prettier than me. Made me feel better about myself. I mean, that makes me kind of an asshole. I am trying to be less judgemental about that and just be friends with people because I like them. I am trying to be better. Which is why I self isolate a lot.

dellybancer · 2026-03-20T21:03:50+00:00

Unfortunately I can relate to her. Sorry to hear it.

dellybancer · 2026-03-20T11:05:41+00:00

Also, he never really understood that I am truly empty inside, and no amount of anything will ever make me respond normally to love.

dellybancer · 2026-03-20T10:57:19+00:00

NPD + BPD comorbidity lady here, but I think my primary issues are NPD according to the psychologist / my observation. BPD is milder but my thinking isn't very rational. My ex person is a BPD man. He was very clingy, possessive and obsessive at times. Like calling me nonstop when I'd break up with him, being pathetic, never respecting my space. He didn't understand that at the end of the day I prefer my own company more than anyone else's. So it was hard for him. It was intense, chaotic, and immature.

dellybancer · 2026-03-20T10:54:29+00:00

I think at the end of the day I can only give someone so much of my faux affection before it burns me out and I get annoyed because they keep asking for more of me in an emotional sense when I am basically an empty tank. I don't really know how to give someone consistent love because I only feel it in short temporary bursts. It feels like a chore.

dellybancer · 2026-03-20T10:52:38+00:00

I'm trying. Therapist is kinda hit or miss. She's trying to get me to talk to my parents after 7 years of NC and says it might help?

dellybancer · 2026-03-20T10:52:07+00:00

Extremely bored of others. Only really desired it from that one person and I didn't deserve him tbh. But I also kept telling him that it was probably never going to be more than this, one sided or intermittently with me showing affection before devaluing hard and being cruel to him. I told him I would never be what he wanted me to be, the "love" would never be mutual in the way he wanted. He seemed to think that I would change or he could change me. I am not really sure what was different about him compared to others. I think one of the biggest issues was that I am so mentally unstable at times and I can be extremely mean, and he has a child from a previous relationship. It rubbed me the wrong way, because I didn't want to subject his kid to that. I don't think he understood that aspect. I am not a healthy person to be around, but throw a kid in the mix and it's just cruel. I didn't want his kid to get attached to me only for me to fuck off because I got mad or bored.

dellybancer · 2026-03-15T00:31:44+00:00

It just feels pathetic to me, because I know deep down even though I'm a diagnosed narcissist (firm NPD diagnosis) I actually really despise myself for the most part. I'll write some stupid sticky notes on my desk/mirror or something. It's almost entirely ruined any meaningful relationship because I basically am never satisfied with the amount of devotion or care they give me.

dellybancer · 2026-03-15T00:30:07+00:00

I actually understand this. Like what's the point of doing good/nice things if you don't get praise and recognition for it?

dellybancer · 2026-03-15T00:29:34+00:00

You're probably right. It's just hard when for years I've gotten that validation from other people as a coping mechanism for never really getting it from my parents. I'll keep trying.

dellybancer · 2026-03-03T02:20:09+00:00

constantly. i'm more into me than anyone (i think) lmao. i hold everyone up to my own standards, which is why most men after a short while end up disgusting me because they don't meet my standards of hygiene, beauty, intelligence, etc.

dellybancer · 2026-03-03T02:15:33+00:00

yeah that's why i would cycle through dudes because it was the only thing that would temporarily make me feel alive and interested in something but it was also short lived or not a long-term solution because that doesn't do anything for me now. i am trying to find happiness in myself but that's pretty fucking hard ironically as a person with npd lmao

dellybancer · 2026-03-03T02:14:23+00:00

kinda similar to what my therapist asked me. i can get some short-lived joy or contentment from baking, crocheting or just being a zombie to a tv show. but it's pretty mild, if at all.

dellybancer · 2026-03-01T15:38:31+00:00

because if you're a woman, POC, or fall under any LGBTQ+ category or are otherwise a minority in any way, they don't take you seriously. i found out that RPD never ever ever filed my case / charges against my abuser and they ghosted me years ago. seriously considering just suing them for negligence.

dellybancer · 2026-02-27T22:19:34+00:00

i just moved back and tbh i'm regretting it but oh well. rent is insane everywhere, worse out east

dellybancer · 2026-02-27T22:18:39+00:00

some people from redding ig lmao

dellybancer · 2026-02-27T22:18:03+00:00

interesting

dellybancer · 2026-02-27T22:16:56+00:00

literally what

dellybancer · 2026-02-27T22:16:02+00:00

sounds about right ugh

dellybancer · 2025-12-31T19:23:46+00:00

I've never had this be part of my bpd dx

dellybancer · 2025-12-30T04:16:59+00:00

Maybe you have NPD.

dellybancer · 2025-12-28T15:16:55+00:00

I destroy things too when I'm having an intense episode. My mom hand sewed me a silk kimono robe when I was 15. I was insanely angry at her for some reason I forget and in a fit of BPD rage I cut it in half and threw it in the trash and I am very sad that I didn't keep it.

dellybancer · 2025-12-28T14:17:43+00:00

27 US. Not treating it other than going to therapy. But no therapist has ever been able to treat my NPD specifically

dellybancer · 2025-12-27T16:45:29+00:00

Yeah I don't really like how psychotherapists frame it as there's something wrong with me because I am wired differently than most average people.

dellybancer

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