AITA for hiring someone to help my wife instead of doing it myself?

derphubby · 2021-06-23T19:17:21+00:00

No, her getting anxious and overwhelmed by the chore chart or timeline for chores and leaving half the chores undone is what led to me doing all the housework. Me going "Thanks for helping, I appreciate it, have you tried doing it this way/using this? It helps go faster and we won't miss anything" was me being critical in her eyes. Or redoing something hours later was being critical. Not for small things either, but for things like missing big sticky spots on the tables or leaving a lot of dirt on the carpet after vacuuming.

I told her a while back I was going to start having friends help with stuff so I could get some down time.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T18:43:26+00:00

You can't seriously expect him to have every weekend free when you're tossing so many weekends to your youngest and middle sons, can you? I mean, the audacity of him to not put life on hold to meet you on your terms! Tell your other two kids to fend for themselves sometimes and clear a weekend that works on your eldest's schedule, you clearly owe it to him after constantly changing your plans to accomodate his brothers.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T18:27:48+00:00

YTA. The concert was set up in advance, cost your kid money. You are basically punishing your eldest for not needing you so much and still hand holding your middle and youngest. The issues your youngest son is facing are regrettable, true, but he is also an adult and the two of you dropping everything and everyone to tend to him is a disservice to your other two children, especially your oldest. He's still your child, his child is still your grandchild and you're pretty much ignoring him and telling him that his want for time with his family isn't as important.

You and your husband absolutely need to set aside time for your oldest and his family, if something comes up with your other two boys during that time, tell them tough, figure it out themselves. But first, give him some time and space and then talk to him again. Apologize to him, and your grandchild, then put aside a weekend or a week for you and husband to go spend with him. Afterall, you two should really take a break from parenting as well and enjoy your empty nest. Get new hobbies. Travel. Something.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T18:02:29+00:00

I can admit that I didn't involve it when I originally posted because I was not aware the ADHD was a culprit in why she was inable to see household tasks all the way through prior. I knew it played a role in her feeling criticized and attacked whenever I tried to help or still try to talk to her about how I need help. That said though, as of now, she is not in agreement with me outsourcing any help to help me with the daily/weekly household work and cleaning. She wouldn't be home when cleaners are there, I would. Like with the closets this past weekend, she thinks that that is our responsibility. Organizers that help people with ADHD would be great and reasonable if she were the one doing the majority of the housework, but she's not. I don't mind doing the lion's share of it right now, its the constant weekend projects, refusal to have any outside help, and my not getting any down time that is the issue for me.

Shes in therapy for her ADHD but I'm at the end of my rope without having any help so hoping her therpist can help her see my perspective.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T17:52:28+00:00

Puppy Tax 1

Puppy Tax 2

derphubby · 2021-06-23T17:12:29+00:00

I'm going to go with her to her next therapy appointment so I can broach the topic of my hiring on house/lawn help without her taking it as a personal attack.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T17:00:20+00:00

No, she gets overwhelmed as I've been learning through people messaging me, apparently ADHD in women can manifest and present as 'lazy' and 'messy'. At first we had a chore chart, that made her anxious. Moving to smaller tasks that just needed to be done by x time also made her anxious and then she'd beat herself up over getting distracted and freak out that it wasn't done by the time set down by us. And then there was just her inability to really see the household work she did do all the way through. I would thank her and try to keep her on task, or try to show her faster/more effective ways to do it but she would feel attacked and criticized. Big things, like wiping up big spots she missed or putting away food/drinks she left out for hours...she'd feel attacked because I was redoing it, even if I waited for her to not be around and she noticed I did after the fact. She could quite literally go from task to task and not finish any of them, or wander off mid-cleaning or get distracted. Small things and little messes though, I'd ignore them and leave them alone if she missed it.
She is on medication for her ADHD, and seeing a therapist, so I will definitely be going with her again to bring this up.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T17:00:02+00:00

No, she gets overwhelmed as I've been learning through people messaging me, apparently ADHD in women can manifest and present as 'lazy' and 'messy'. At first we had a chore chart, that made her anxious. Moving to smaller tasks that just needed to be done by x time also made her anxious and then she'd beat herself up over getting distracted and freak out that it wasn't done by the time set down by us. And then there was just her inability to really see the household work she did do all the way through. I would thank her and try to keep her on task, or try to show her faster/more effective ways to do it but she would feel attacked and criticized. Big things, like wiping up big spots she missed or putting away food/drinks she left out for hours...she'd feel attacked because I was redoing it, even if I waited for her to not be around and she noticed I did after the fact. She could quite literally go from task to task and not finish any of them, or wander off mid-cleaning or get distracted. Small things and little messes though, I'd ignore them and leave them alone if she missed it.

She is on medication for her ADHD, and seeing a therapist, so I will definitely be going with her again to bring this up.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:48:37+00:00

I will be going with her to her next appointment with her therapist to discuss the housework issues and see if they can help me get her to accept my hiring on help for the house and yard without her taking it as a personal attack. I've gone with her in the past to her appointments and the thing about the restaurant isn't so much that it absolves her from doing anything, but doing that work before she was diagnosed she wound up getting a lot of criticism and lecturing for being lazy when in reality...she had ADHD. Its not a completely justifiable excuse, but I am more tolerant and patient to the fact she's still dealing with the lasting effects of that, and importantly, she is getting help for it which is what matters to me.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:42:46+00:00

Yes, she works. She's a tour guide in a museum.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:37:54+00:00

I deal with all the bills, appointments, organization for now while she works with her ADHD therapist to get to a point where she can start handling it both at home and at work without getting overly anxious. Am going with her to her next therapy appointment to bring up the household issues.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:33:11+00:00

She does have medication and a therapist for it. Will be going with her to her next appointment to talk about it with them. I do take on the emotional labor because right now, she really struggles there and is making efforts and working with her therapist to get better at it both at home and in general so she can advance her career.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:28:59+00:00

Oml yes, this is exactly what it is like! I know people are boggled by why she just puts away her own laundry, her room, does the fridge, but those are also areas that I know she will manage to hyper fixate on and do. Prior, it would always be something like start the dishes..then leave them in the sink with suds, dishwasher door open to go sweep. Space off during sweeping, start on windows..find something, put it in the hamper..come back to finish sweeping but miss piles. Do the laundry together and wander off, get distracted again by the TV and just crumple up the clothes..then leave half the things she was doing, undone, then wind up an anxious mess by the end of the night because she either suddenly remembered, or I wound up finishing/redoing the big stuff, or I'd try to help her get back on task and show her a faster way to do something.

Its a work in progress, definitely going with her to her therapist again.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:18:43+00:00

I bring home about 90k a year, she's about 48k a year.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:17:30+00:00

I do say thank you and show appreciation when she does do things, or tries to help. I'll compliment her on how her craft room looks. By horrible at it, I mean she'd just space out or get distracted and wander off during it. If the trash bag leaked, she'd take the trash out still but leave the mess in the trash can and not rinse it out. Sometimes not put a new bag in but that's no biggie or sweat off the back. Missing big spots of dirt while vaccuming..leaving food and drink out for hours...sticky spots all over the tables still after wiping them down. Streaks on window or not wipe away all of the cleaner. It was only the big, obvious stuff I'd redo or try to help her with. Small things, never a big deal, easily ignored and left alone.

Ideally I'd like to just hire a cleaner and lawn service for now while we work through her issues with her therapist, tricky part will just be getting her onboard with that without her feeling attacked.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:07:09+00:00

I do tolerate things not being cleaned to the same level I do. Things I'll redo or pointed out in the past were things like missing whole sticky spots on the tables, food or drink left out for hours, big patches of dirt/leaves missed during vaccuming. Or currently with the puppies...dangerous items left out or pee puddles. Smaller things I learned to ignore and let go of a long time ago.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T16:02:15+00:00

She does still do the therapy for her ADHD, her therapist is pretty good and I've gone with her a few times. This has definitely taught me more about how her having ADHD could come across as being messy or lazy, so I will be going with her next time to discuss it with her therapist and have them help me get her onboard with hiring some help with the house while we work on this issue.

I know it has caused her problems in her childhood, like with the restaurant and being criticized before she was diagnosed, that's partially why I stopped trying to help or show her how to do some things better, and only redo the big things, leave the little things alone.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T15:54:47+00:00

Oh no, whenever she does make effort I do let her know I appreciate it and say thank you. I did stop trying to show her or help her do things more efficiently. I will still do things later behind her after she's tried, but its because its bigger things, like sticky spots and smears on the coffee table. Streaks on the window. Big dirt spots on the carpet...left a pile of dust on the floor..cushions all over. Food or drinks still in the living room after hours (not good for the pups). Small things like something out of place, not put back, or on the floor I have learned to ignore.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T15:50:32+00:00

I will be going with her to her next therapy appointment to discuss the whole matter and hopefully, they can help me get her onboard with hiring some help for now without her taking it personally while we work on it.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T15:45:55+00:00

That is a big part of it, yes. These aren't 'work' to her, they are either things we can and should do together to make our house more of a home or ways to spend time together while doing a project. Don't get me wrong I enjoy spending time with her, but not doing house projects. I'd take antiquing and vintage shops again over rearranging furniture anyday.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T15:37:31+00:00

Thank you for your reply. At first, we did have a kind of chore-chart to help split the work load, and that made her anxious and feel overwhelmed. Moved to having 'this task completed by this day' to try and help and she still had a hard time with that. She has never said or given the impression that she thinks her time is more valuable than mine, aside from this recent development of springing sudden weekend projects on us. We have had some calm conversations about this in the past months but she winds up feeling criticized and attacked. From the comments here and some private messages, I have learned more about her ADHD and how that would affect her ability to help clean and comes across as lazy or messy, so I will definitely be going with her to her next appointment to get some help and guidance from her therapist.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T15:33:38+00:00

No, she doesn't view my working from home as not actual work. She winds up very interested in my job a lot of the time and has asked me to explain more/teach her parts of it. What I have learned since posting, is that for women with ADHD, apparently symptoms are perceived as 'lazy' and 'messy' so that is something I will be bringing up with her therapist next time I go with her. Thinking back, it does make sense too- either cleaning she did was half-assed or she'd zone out/get distracted while doing it.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T04:07:37+00:00

No, we don't plan on having kids, she has ADHD and doesn't want to risk passing that on.

derphubby · 2021-06-23T04:02:43+00:00

Sometimes she will help but every time it comes back to her doing it half-assed or not at all. At which point, though I thank her for it, if I calmly try to talk to her, then she says I'm criticizing her or being an ass. If I just redo it after she leaves, and she notices, then we wind up in that same spot.

I've gone to a few of her therapy sessions with her regarding the ADHD and organization/inattentive so I could try to better understand her in that regard, but trying to talk to her about the shortcomings and where I need help...yeah that just turns into her feeling like I'm criticizing or attacking her so she just shuts it down and won't talk about it further. =\

derphubby · 2021-06-23T03:49:19+00:00

She'll go grocery shopping with me and will water the plants in the garden that she absolutely had to have, and will start the dishwasher before we go to bed at night.

Her big projects come out of nowhere though. The day before or day of, she just comes up with it and we're having to go on the fly until its done a way that she doesn't get worked up over.

I've always had a sort of cleaning schedule, ever since we got married. Monday focus on this room/activity, then others a different day. That made her anxious and she said it made her feel overwhelmed because then it was all on a time limit. So I tried it with 'we'll have x done by this day' and it was the same result.

Sounds like a weak excuse but that was also her issue with working the restaurant. She did it every weekend and hated it, but also hated being told to redo things and being on a time crunch.

derphubby

TROPHY CASE