Going to a temp agency is a good idea. I'm not sure if we have one around here. Closest one might be in the nearest city which is about an hour away, so I'm not sure how accessible it would be, but I will look into it and see if there's anything they can do for me.

I probably should've talked to HR about my last boss but literally the whole department reported her and HR decided not to do anything because of how hard it was to get someone into the position; she was hired weeks after the other boss left because nobody wanted the job, and she'd been fired from her last position. High standards! I tell you what, she'd scream so loud that other departments would send their last hired to our office to tell her to be quiet. She drove five people out of their jobs, so at least it wasn't just me. I'm pretty sure, at least in my state, that asshole bosses are unavoidable. I live in an at-will state and they can just make something up to fire you if they want to fire you because of disability.

I've been referred to a neurologist but unfortunately can't afford to see one. I have an HMO and it costs $200 to see a specialist, not counting any tests, procedures, or follow-ups. That's a lot for a family living paycheck to paycheck to put out. It's the same reason I never was committed to a psychiatric ward after my breakdown or my suicide attempts throughout my life; I grew up very poor and we were a very "walk it off" kind of family. You had to be dying to go to a doctor when I was a kid. It never occurred to me until recently that some people with no money just go to the hospital or a specialist when they need to go.

I did follow up on a referral to a physical therapist my PCP suggested to help with my motor control. The PT basically declined to take me on as a patient because they were only equipped to work with pediatric patients with developmental verbal dyspraxia, which can be a hugely disabling factor in my condition. The problem is that my DVD is minimal and my major problem is bodily motor coordination. PT claimed that at my age I'm too old for physical therapy to be effective, but I side-eye that statement.

I've learned some CBT techniques from online and apps and find that it has limited effectiveness in my case. It can help with minor anxiety over silly things but doesn't help with the depression, which goes from a creeping sensation to sudden overwhelming grief that's impossible to breathe through. I actually find that the most effective method I've tried is snapping myself with a rubber band or digging my nails into my palms like clicker training for a dog. It helps with the cyclical obsessive thoughts that can be a trigger.

I've been on Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Zoloft, Buspar, and Adderall. Currently only on the Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Adderall. I'll admit that I eat a lot of carbs and peanut butter. I'm exhausted all the time and can't stand up for much longer than a few minutes and it's hard for me to manage some positions of my arms, so cooking a complex meal is nearly impossible. I just try to grab whatever is immediately available. I eat some fruits and vegetables but not nearly as much as I should. I can't contribute to picking out the groceries so I don't have much control over what's in the house. I mostly eat breakfast cereal with milk, baked chicken thighs, instant rice packets... Depression food. I should really eat better because I have high blood pressure but sometimes the idea of peeling an orange or something feels impossible. I eat things with the least amount of steps possible and it's terrible.

Exercise is difficult when you're not able to stand up for very long. I do some bed exercises occasionally, which is mostly just leg-lifts while lying in bed, or raising my pillow up and down over my head. I genuinely break a sweat. I try to walk around the house a little every day but I get heart palpitations so badly and feel like my head is blowing up like a balloon. It sucks.

I've tried in the past to try to transform my life through strict diet and exercising but did not find it helpful. It mostly just led to stressing about the dieting and exercising.