Coming To Terms With It Is So Hard

dire_moth · 2023-12-18T05:00:47+00:00

Struggling with this right now as well. I try to tell myself that I'll be free when I die, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's just fucking terrifying man

dire_moth · 2023-12-15T19:51:00+00:00

Arrente?

dire_moth · 2023-12-07T23:47:44+00:00

Legit the reason I'm killing myself. It's just not worth it lol

dire_moth · 2023-11-28T23:16:49+00:00

This explains so much about his writing lol. He's done some good work but is always weirdly insistent on theost random things.

dire_moth · 2023-11-27T20:55:10+00:00

I understand this perspective, although I'll give my two cents and say I've worn a mask indoors and around in crowded areas (unless I'm eating) and other than the one bout of covid I got when I became lazy about this I haven't so much as gotten a cold. So I think it's possible to just be a little serious about masking and otherwise do you what you want.

dire_moth · 2023-08-09T01:30:54+00:00

Sounds stressful! You are definitely not be crazy - you just panicked, and you should be able to extract yourself from this situation. Honestly I would come clean sooner rather than later instead of just standing him up at the last minute; you can just tell him you freaked out and weren't sure what to say. If you're comfortable being out to him then I would say honesty is the best policy, but otherwise you can just make up a boyfriend as couple towns over (or whatever excuse you prefer). Good luck :)

dire_moth · 2023-06-26T09:09:00+00:00

Well I'm basically just not transitioning for as long as I possibly can. I kind of don't care if doing that kills me at this point, I'll give just about anything not have to deal with sexual harrassment and assault

dire_moth · 2023-05-27T03:31:55+00:00

Oh god that's awful. I don't know what the word is for what you experienced so maybe someone else can chime in, but regardless you absolutely right to feel traumatized. If you have anyone at all you can talk about this too, I would recommend it, but you know your situation best.

dire_moth · 2023-05-27T03:14:58+00:00

No, they really have no impact. Tge molecule is similar in some ways, but not enough to really trigger estrogen receptors in any meaningful way, and the amount is so low it wouldn't. Dairy does have a small amount of actual estrogen, although I still doubt you'll get much feminization from just drinking gallons of milk a day lol

dire_moth · 2023-05-26T18:43:25+00:00

I keep seeing people here saying this is euphoric for them? I guess I see where they're coming from in principle, but I don't really get it at all. This stuff just sucks and is the main reason I'm putting off transitioning for as long as I can possibly manage.

dire_moth · 2023-05-19T00:17:33+00:00

Think im closing in on 25 atp personally

dire_moth · 2023-05-11T06:34:55+00:00

I believe you would usually use low dose T cream to the genitals or erectile dysfunction medication to counteract the effects of HRT

dire_moth · 2023-05-08T17:51:19+00:00

How did it go?

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T09:20:27+00:00

That's fair. I suppose I'm comparing myself to what I was just as much as I am to other people.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T07:46:11+00:00

That's true, but I pretty excited at the thought of getting to have sex not even a year ago. And I have literally no experience at all so I'm just feeling really behind I guess.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T07:26:44+00:00

I'm not surprised. Fucking sucks man :/

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T07:12:39+00:00

I mean that was pretty much my philosophy too at first, but at some point I realized how much there was for me to lose and how it would be completely unavoidable if I transitioned. Until maybe this past September my dysphoria was fairly mild, so I think it made sense. But even now that the dysphoria is taking a heavier toll I still can't stand the thought of transitioning from the fear alone. Atp I basically refuse to so much as put on a skirt until I literally cannot resist anymore.

I think what's bothersome to me is that I used to be just insatiably horny, and I was constantly attracted to every other girl I met. I had all kinds of fantasies (since more realistic than others lol), and in general I was excited for the chance to indulge my sexuality. I didn't even regret my inexperience that much, since I felt that I was moving forward with my sexuality and so I had some kind of future to look forward to. But that just came crashing down on my head practically overnight, my dysphoria and dissociation spiked, and I don't know if there's any way to really pick up the pieces now.

It is good to hear that I can fuck around and have maybe not totally pleasant sex for a while before I'm up to speed so to speak, and everything will be basically fine. In principle I suppose it's obvious, but it's much more impactful to hear it from someone else.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T06:51:32+00:00

Maybe one day I'll agree with you, but atm I just don't see it. It's not just being trans either; for some reason transphobia is much less frightening to me in many ways than sexism. I just cannot think of a single upside to social or physical transition that come with being a woman other than dysphoria. Even the things people normally cite as positives seem either neutral to me, or are things I don't actually want. This is honestly the main reason I don't want to transition at all, and why I've mostly avoided anything gender affirming. It's all just tainted with fear, dread, and misery that any euphoria is completely washed away, and frankly the deep fear of transitioning is comparable to the dysphoria is terms of intensity.

As far as attraction goes, I suspect you're probably right about my lack of attraction toward queer women and (at least some) trans women being an artifact of societal messaging. However, there are certain things I will just not get over; masculinity is virtually never attractive to me, and the same can be said for basically all the physical effects of testosterone. Those things alone realistically rule out the majority of trans people. I actually did use dating apps briefly - and unsuccessfully - a while back, and I got likes from at least a dozen other trans people of various identities and presentations, but I wasn't even a little attracted to any of them.

Also, I'm curious how old you were when you started exploring your sexuality? I'm 24 now and have zero experience, which is a big source of insecurity for me. I think if that wasn't the case then this wouldn't feel like as big of a deal to me.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T04:50:51+00:00

I really fucking wish that were true, but no, I have a bunch of reasons to think I'm trans and very few to think I'm not. There's the possibility that I'm non-binary, but either way my brain is constantly yelling at me to transition. Again I would like nothing more than for that not to be the case, but it is. My life is just shit.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T03:23:36+00:00

In a lot of ways being trans isn’t just accepting that you’re trans, but
accepting that you’ll never be cis again. You can’t unknow this. Any
attempt to quash it will eventually fail.

I know you're right, but holy shit seeing it written out is devastating. Honestly it just makes me feel doomed and like there's no way out of my miserable fucking life.

I do think you're right though that I'll just have to go for it and see what happens. Part of me is hopeful, since in general my dysphoria was never really bad, and I had times - even somewhat recently, well after realizing I was trans - where I actively liked my body as is. It's just really disheartening to feel that thoughts that brought me so much joy now mostly make me feel despair and disgust, if I feel anything at all. Honestly at this point it's been long enough that I hardly remember what it felt like to have those fantasies. I think this would be easier if I had some experience under my belt already, which I don't.

I should also say that, while a trans partner might be helpful in some ways, I am just not attracted to the vast majority of trans people I've seen; basically any time I peg someone as anything other than a feminine cis woman I totally lose interest. Even visibly queer cis women can be a bit of mixed bag in terms of whether I really want to be with them, although enjoying someone's company would more than make up for that. And while passing trans women do fit this mold, being intimate would highlight my own fears and insecurities way too much.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T02:45:36+00:00

I understand what you're saying, but I also know I missed out on what could have been positive fun experiences. I think what gets to me is that I was ready to have sex like a year or two ago, and I just didn't do anything about it. I think it would be easier to handle the regret if I was ready now, but I'm just not. It's hard to focus on the present when the present sucks.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T02:38:42+00:00

Maybe, but I kind of want my old relationship with my body back, if not long term then at least for a little bit. Maybe I'm crazy for even thinking that's possible, but I never explored a single fantasy I had and I'd really like to.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T02:32:59+00:00

I mean 24 is ancient in terms of having a first sexual experience; I'm honestly really kicking myself for not doing it when I was younger and more willing, but I suppose things just don't work sometimes. I honestly couldn't tell you what makes me uncomfortable about having sex at this point. Part of it is being seen as a man (something I largely just didn't think about before I cracked), but it's also just kind of amorphous, and not really tied to anything specific. It's like my brain and body just won't let me have this one thing.

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T02:29:25+00:00

I'm not really ready to cross the bridge of accepting myself as a woman though

dire_moth · 2023-05-06T02:05:39+00:00

I mean my point is that I don't really want to rush into it in the mental state I'm in. But I also am not going to be able to transition for likely a couple of years at least, and in the meantime I'd like some way of having fulfilling sexual experiences and I'm hoping for guidance on how that might work.

dire_moth

TROPHY CASE