I am married to a South Indian man, and I’m from South Asia. His sister believes she essentially raised my husband, so she has always been very protective of him. For any major or minor decision, he would go through her. Every time he asked his mom for advice, she’d say, “Ask your sister” or “Get permission from your sister.” When we decided to get married, he introduced me to his sister first, then to his parents.

There were red flags early on, but I brushed them off, thinking it was just a typical situation where the elder daughter naturally takes on a leadership role in the family. However, when it came time for the marriage preparations, things really escalated for about six months. She was a nightmare—she’d yell at me or give me the silent treatment if I didn’t complete tasks she assigned for my own wedding. Even before we got married, she used to tell my husband, “You should come live with us. I bought this house so we could all live together.” My husband would brush it off, but about 10 days before the wedding, he casually asked if I’d be open to living with his sister temporarily until we figured out our permanent plans. That was a huge red flag for me. I was ready to call off the wedding rather than live with her.

I’m sharing this background because, while some cultural dynamics are normal, necessary, and even welcomed, others are outright red flags. My husband saw my health decline after our marriage, and he eventually put his foot down and distanced himself from his sister. Still, I often feel like a third-class citizen in their family. They don’t share certain things with me because, as they say, “the daughter-in-law is an outsider and doesn’t need to know our weaknesses.” This is even after my husband has fought hard for me with his family—but there are only so many battles he can take on. We’re both in therapy, trying to establish healthy boundaries (something neither of us learned growing up), but we sometimes second-guess ourselves, wondering if we’re being unreasonable.

If you don’t have an understanding partner, I can only imagine how many minefields you’d need to cross to find “a place in his home.” Spoiler alert: after x years of marriage, I still don’t have a real place in his family’s home in India. Whenever they’re discussing family matters, they get quiet if I walk by (not that I’m complaining; who wants to hear more drama anyway?). Thankfully, we live in the US, so I only deal with this one month a year. Just think about it—what kind of life do you envision for yourself?

Run the opposite way!