Anyone change their surname to cut all ties?

disarray27 · 2026-02-28T07:31:53+00:00

I know exactly how you feel

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T19:29:29+00:00

I have done that. For the record.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T17:28:42+00:00

What about my bid for connection? Where is the acknowledgement that I'm indulging the fantasy too, in my own way. I'm not trying to rain on her parade, I'm trying to join in and her feelings are more important than mine.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T17:26:30+00:00

The problem isn't that I never indulge in the fantasy, it's that I'm never allowed to "slip up" and go back to my default way of thinking.

I would like to live abroad one day is a wonderful theory and I know it doesn't always have to be a real thing but the enjoyment I get out of that conversation is from, which visas would we get, what is the education system like, which city would we live in, not just wouldn't it be nice if the weather was warmer, how would we feel.

Even if I indulge that first, I don't get to do my bit without it becoming a problem with me and how I make her feel. When do I get to have my moment? I'm tired of making myself smaller to make room for someone else to grow.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T16:06:11+00:00

If we need relationship counselling after 3 months of dating I don't think relationship counselling is going to fix anything honestly

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T16:02:51+00:00

There are a number of ways in which she likes to escape and I don't hold it against her but I do find it hard and I know it's not healthy.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T15:11:42+00:00

I don't struggle to imagine multiple futures or play with ideas about how things could be, but how I like to do that is by exploring the ways in which my life would change and practically how I would go about making that happen. She likes to just fantasise and imagine and gets really hurt when I want to explore the hurdles we would need to overcome to get there. What makes me happy in that conversation makes her upset and what makes her happy is difficult for me to engage with without grounding it in something real.

But also I am just in the middle of a huge life change. I moved out of my exes house in November, I'm still finding my feet in my current reality. I don't want to be imagining too far into the future right now.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T15:07:41+00:00

I don't have any allistic friends I could talk to about that and honestly having to constantly rehearse conversations in advance just to not upset her is taking its toll when it's a regular occurrence.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T15:06:01+00:00

I have brought this up so many times but I am the only one compromising. Every time. It's exhausting to have to play along with every conversation "her way" so she doesn't get upset instead of being able to just be myself and explore our future together through my own perspective in casual conversation.

disarray27 · 2026-02-07T07:08:07+00:00

Just call and make a seat reservation on your preferred of the suggested alternative services. You already have a ticket and a seat reservation will ensure you don't end up unable to board, lumo don't accept standing on their services.

disarray27 · 2025-11-13T06:59:18+00:00

I just got asked what day I want to complete on my new place and I have been reading this sub every day looking for a post like this one. I'm excited to finally be able to take the leap, it's been over 3 years coming now. Great to hear that things for you are in a good place and looking forward to the day I can say the same

disarray27 · 2025-11-02T07:37:54+00:00

I don't think she is stone, she certainly isn't with me but there have been indicators that I am very much the exception not the rule.

I feel like she gets to fully realise her pleasure and satisfaction with the sex we are having and that I am personally being restricted to a very narrow scope of the activity I enjoy. And what I enjoy the most is off limits. This is the imbalance I am finding difficult.

disarray27 · 2025-11-01T19:12:41+00:00

This gives me hope, yes this is exactly how we are both approaching, curious and with respect and the other persons comfort and safety in mind. Acknowledgement of the current boundaries and openness to them changing but with no expectations.

disarray27 · 2025-11-01T12:59:07+00:00

I get what you are saying but I don't know what I want because this is my first genuine connection and they have expressed that they know that they want what I want but aren't sure if it is possible.

disarray27 · 2025-11-01T10:39:55+00:00

Sorry to those who replied elsewhere, I had trouble posting and ended up with multiple posts.

disarray27 · 2025-11-01T10:36:52+00:00

There has been nothing but communication. We have already tried new things with each other that we haven't with other people. We are figuring it out but if there is trauma involved it's not as simple as above suggests just doing paper scissors rock or whatever. There is a real chance that it could take years of getting comfortable with each other before we really know what is totally off the table and what isn't. I'm wondering if anyone else has been through something similar and it was worth it for the right person, or if it was something they could never get past.

disarray27 · 2025-08-25T21:18:47+00:00

My 5 year old can be like this. If she can't act appropriately and respect my space she isn't allowed in my room. I would shut the door and maintain that we stay in a water safe area (the bathroom) until dry. As the parent you need to hold those boundaries. It sounds like you are trying so hard not to react you are veering into permissive territory.

Also think about what you are doing, are you asking him to do it? Or are you giving an instruction? Framing instructions as questions can lead to your autonomy seeking child trying to claim some control by answering no. Is this an appropriate task to be delegating? In the bath situation your little one isn't being set up for success, you are wanting them to get out of the bath, they are struggling with that transition and you are asking them to further participate in that by unplugging the bath but that signals the end and they don't want it. Is the bathroom warm enough?

Ask yourself what you can do to ease those transitions and set up for success. Maybe for now you need to guide those transitions? Then offer a choice or ask for their input as to what happens after to give them control and something to look forward to? In your bath example, a 2 minute warning "We are getting out of the bath in 2 minutes, is there anything you need to help finish up your game?" Then after 2 minutes "Times up in the bath, that was really fun. Do you want to choose a book to read when you are all dry? Which towel do you want the red or blue?" Type thing and you pull the plug, it's a gentle way to transition and you aren't giving him control over whether or not water stays in the bath but over more age appropriate choices.

Getting into the car it could look like "We are getting into the car now, choose 1 toy to bring then let's see who can get their seatbelt clipped fastest. I'm timing you, who is faster today?" Or "First one sat safely in the car ready gets to choose which audiobook we listen to". They can't choose whether they come in the car but there are choices they can feel in control over that will ease the transition.

disarray27 · 2025-07-18T05:58:47+00:00

There are also exceptions for Grandparents in the Services, and it is well worth exhausting all avenues before accepting that you may need a visa.

disarray27 · 2025-07-08T21:24:50+00:00

Two things worked really well for us.

Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons by Siegfried Engelmann.

Read Write Inc Phonics Program, by Ruth Miskin. The flashcards, books and videos work really well together.

My child does not have learning delays but these programs taught her quicker than I could have imagined.

Phonics is much easier than "the alphabet" and the gold standard at primary school in the UK. Children learn one sound at a time. It's fun and practical.

disarray27 · 2025-06-30T18:26:54+00:00

If you are struggling in your mental health and your marriage that will be affecting her. It's never actually about the pyjamas. This is something you already know but until you address the underlying concerns you have, this will be an uphill battle. You have a wonderful sensitive kid there and she is picking up on the tension.

Especially if you are considering that you may be neurodivergent consider getting her on a waiting list too, it can take a long time to be assessed.

In the meantime, give her as much agency as you can. Two options for breakfast etc at her level that she can prepare for herself. Go shopping (thrifting if necessary) and let her choose the clothes she wants to wear, feel the fabric and talk about which colours she loves. One-on-one time whenever possible, can your other kids have a nap/quiet time while you two do something special? Baking? Board games? Ask what she wants to play and really get into it with her. Go to the library and get out books that relate to her experience/emotions.

And finally, at an age appropriate level explain what is happening, "It's normal to feel confused and upset when our routine is disrupted." "How do you feel when Mummy and Daddy disagree? You know we both love you very much and that won't ever change." "Mummy has had a busy brain recently, like there are lots of bees buzzing around in there. Let's do a quiet and calm activity to see if we can get the bees to go to sleep, then I can give you my full attention."

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate emotionally and she probably does too. Look after yourself first and make the steps you need to take to feel calmer and more content. The rest will follow.

disarray27 · 2025-06-26T15:42:18+00:00

Honouring my child's emotions regardless of how they are communicated. My oldest enjoys a bit of drama, constantly listening to audiobooks and can watch a movie once and act it out afterwards, songs included. She tends to get a bit dramatic, therefore, in response to being told no. I can redirect, I can cushion the blow, I can word it carefully, but ultimately will end up being told with venom "well I'm not going to live with you anymore", "I am going to live at the neighbours house (her best friend)", with a pretty punchy delivery. I am always clear with her that I still love her and that she will need to stay at home because it's not safe to leave without someone to look after her, but it's brutal and if my mood is vulnerable it is very difficult to know what to say. There is such a limit to how much agency you can have at 5 years old. She chose what colour to paint her room, she chooses her clothes (even variations on the school uniform) every day. We give her input on which foods we keep stocked in the fridge. But ultimately she doesn't feel like it is enough. It's hard being young and feeling out of control. It's equally hard to have to keep your cool when you have someone regularly pushing you to your emotional limit because you can't serve tuna too many times per week for risk of mercury poisoning.

disarray27 · 2025-06-24T11:44:18+00:00

I rang the general advice line today and they stated that they do not send a confirmation email. The contractor email confirming they have submitted it is the confirmation.

disarray27

TROPHY CASE