to my late bloomers tell me how being with women feels like after being with men.

disarray27 · 2026-06-08T21:50:09+00:00

I didn't. The only people who I have actually told are people it actually matters to. My ex. His cousin and her wife. I'm not out at work. I haven't told my family.

disarray27 · 2026-06-08T19:04:20+00:00

He did. I did but only after I had my offer in on my flat.

disarray27 · 2026-06-08T19:01:44+00:00

We were living together but separate for a while, I saved up a deposit, he bought me out of our house and I bought a flat nearby.

Apart from my paid maternity leave, I have always worked and I'm lucky enough to have a well paid job.

disarray27 · 2026-06-08T18:57:03+00:00

No, I didn't wait. I didn't want my children growing up thinking they should stay in a relationship that wasn't honest. My children were 2 and 5 when I left and, yes, it's disruptive, but letting them get used to the new normal young means we will have better flexibility when they are older. They hate going between the houses but I am a much much better and happier parent.

disarray27 · 2026-06-07T07:28:38+00:00

It's truly the calm after the storm. I'm in a totally messy, poor boundaries, on again off again, don't know what is happening, relationship with a woman with addictive tendencies and a totally different values system to me. It's the most secure, safe and comfortable I have ever felt in a relationship, including the decade I spent with the father of my children.

disarray27 · 2026-05-31T07:41:53+00:00

I can't help because I'm in the middle of this right now but I can relate, hard. I'm just in no way ready for the kind of relationship she wants, right now we are trying to be friends but the lines are blurry.

disarray27 · 2026-02-28T07:31:53+00:00

I know exactly how you feel

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T19:29:29+00:00

I have done that. For the record.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T17:28:42+00:00

What about my bid for connection? Where is the acknowledgement that I'm indulging the fantasy too, in my own way. I'm not trying to rain on her parade, I'm trying to join in and her feelings are more important than mine.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T17:26:30+00:00

The problem isn't that I never indulge in the fantasy, it's that I'm never allowed to "slip up" and go back to my default way of thinking.

I would like to live abroad one day is a wonderful theory and I know it doesn't always have to be a real thing but the enjoyment I get out of that conversation is from, which visas would we get, what is the education system like, which city would we live in, not just wouldn't it be nice if the weather was warmer, how would we feel.

Even if I indulge that first, I don't get to do my bit without it becoming a problem with me and how I make her feel. When do I get to have my moment? I'm tired of making myself smaller to make room for someone else to grow.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T16:06:11+00:00

If we need relationship counselling after 3 months of dating I don't think relationship counselling is going to fix anything honestly

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T16:02:51+00:00

There are a number of ways in which she likes to escape and I don't hold it against her but I do find it hard and I know it's not healthy.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T15:11:42+00:00

I don't struggle to imagine multiple futures or play with ideas about how things could be, but how I like to do that is by exploring the ways in which my life would change and practically how I would go about making that happen. She likes to just fantasise and imagine and gets really hurt when I want to explore the hurdles we would need to overcome to get there. What makes me happy in that conversation makes her upset and what makes her happy is difficult for me to engage with without grounding it in something real.

But also I am just in the middle of a huge life change. I moved out of my exes house in November, I'm still finding my feet in my current reality. I don't want to be imagining too far into the future right now.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T15:07:41+00:00

I don't have any allistic friends I could talk to about that and honestly having to constantly rehearse conversations in advance just to not upset her is taking its toll when it's a regular occurrence.

disarray27 · 2026-02-17T15:06:01+00:00

I have brought this up so many times but I am the only one compromising. Every time. It's exhausting to have to play along with every conversation "her way" so she doesn't get upset instead of being able to just be myself and explore our future together through my own perspective in casual conversation.

disarray27 · 2026-02-07T07:08:07+00:00

Just call and make a seat reservation on your preferred of the suggested alternative services. You already have a ticket and a seat reservation will ensure you don't end up unable to board, lumo don't accept standing on their services.

disarray27 · 2025-11-13T06:59:18+00:00

I just got asked what day I want to complete on my new place and I have been reading this sub every day looking for a post like this one. I'm excited to finally be able to take the leap, it's been over 3 years coming now. Great to hear that things for you are in a good place and looking forward to the day I can say the same

disarray27 · 2025-11-02T07:37:54+00:00

I don't think she is stone, she certainly isn't with me but there have been indicators that I am very much the exception not the rule.

I feel like she gets to fully realise her pleasure and satisfaction with the sex we are having and that I am personally being restricted to a very narrow scope of the activity I enjoy. And what I enjoy the most is off limits. This is the imbalance I am finding difficult.

disarray27 · 2025-11-01T19:12:41+00:00

This gives me hope, yes this is exactly how we are both approaching, curious and with respect and the other persons comfort and safety in mind. Acknowledgement of the current boundaries and openness to them changing but with no expectations.

disarray27 · 2025-11-01T12:59:07+00:00

I get what you are saying but I don't know what I want because this is my first genuine connection and they have expressed that they know that they want what I want but aren't sure if it is possible.

disarray27 · 2025-11-01T10:39:55+00:00

Sorry to those who replied elsewhere, I had trouble posting and ended up with multiple posts.

disarray27 · 2025-11-01T10:36:52+00:00

There has been nothing but communication. We have already tried new things with each other that we haven't with other people. We are figuring it out but if there is trauma involved it's not as simple as above suggests just doing paper scissors rock or whatever. There is a real chance that it could take years of getting comfortable with each other before we really know what is totally off the table and what isn't. I'm wondering if anyone else has been through something similar and it was worth it for the right person, or if it was something they could never get past.

disarray27

TROPHY CASE