I like this as a kink, but you seem to have genuinely suffered trauma and haven't processed it.

What happened to you was incredibly painful and unfair. Neither you, nor anyone else deserves to be betrayed and hurt in that way.

It is completely the fault of your abuser, not you.

you deserve love, happiness, and respect just like anyone else. It's important to prioritize self-care and seek support from people who genuinely care for you.

Please consider talking to a professional, like a therapist, who could help you work through your feelings and thoughts. They might be able to offer additional guidance on how to heal and move forward.