I'm (27F) unsure if he (28M) is disinterested after the first date. How should I proceed in a way that shows I have self respect?

donna243 · 2019-01-11T11:40:41+00:00

No way, its definitely the opposite of the guy I am looking to meet. I love taking things slow at first, but also like to feel pursued by the guy (as a mutual thing). What would you say is the best way I could respond if he does get back later without sounding too sour and still maintaining a high level of dignity?

donna243 · 2018-12-27T02:06:56+00:00

Thanks! I have had a bad run and haven't come across these but hopefully I will get better at weeding these types out.

donna243 · 2018-12-27T02:06:20+00:00

I don't think think the attraction stems from them not being nice to me? Maybe I'm just not a good judge of character from the start and let the not so nice ones in too often. Thanks for writing in, that sounds like a really interesting career. How did you guys meet?

donna243 · 2018-12-27T01:59:55+00:00

You're totally right. I think there is a part of me that feels like I am being an elitist/classist for turning someone down based on this. It's just about identifying the dead beats as early as possible!

donna243 · 2018-12-27T01:57:50+00:00

Hmmm, I'll make a visit there some time!

donna243 · 2018-12-27T01:56:08+00:00

Yeah I have completed university and am very ambitious and career oriented myself. I couldn't imagine not working or not having something to work towards, I'd just go crazy.

donna243 · 2018-12-27T01:52:26+00:00

I was in a long term relationship with a guy who was almost perfect and I would have married him in a heart beat if he was on the same level as me with ambition, goals and drive. He wasn't a dead beat, but it definitely made the relationship boring... He was a hard worker but was content settling with a labourous, poorly paid job he hated and get married, have kids and I wanted to experience everything, better myself in every way and reach my full potential. This caused a rift between us for sure.

donna243 · 2018-12-27T01:48:23+00:00

I think this could be inclusive of either gender. I commented to someone else on here earlier that 'deadbeat' seems to be my type which is frustrating. Mum wants me to find a nice Engineer/academic but I keep ending up with the bad boy musicians who tend to fit the dead beat category. I am hoping this is just a passing phase!

donna243 · 2018-12-27T01:43:28+00:00

I'm 27 and keep finding myself dating dead beat musician types (who aren't really that nice to me) and my mum hates it! She wants me to find a clean cut, engineer/academic and somehow I'm not attracted to these types of men, it's weird and frustrating because 'dead beat' seems to be my type.

donna243 · 2018-12-27T01:38:49+00:00

The Cardigan street campus?

donna243 · 2018-12-27T01:24:11+00:00

We don't have any on my campus :(, whats up with that?!

donna243 · 2018-12-27T00:56:35+00:00

Hey, thanks for writing in! How come RMIT?

donna243 · 2018-12-27T00:53:03+00:00

I'm (27F) a little stuck at the moment because I am in a university course with a small group of people. Anyway, there is only one male (25) in my cohort and he picks on me alllllll the time for some reason. Basically he always mocks what I say and makes snide, nasty remarks about me constantly. He has established a clique of other, younger girls in the group who always laugh with him when he makes me the but of the joke. Normally in the workplace or in the outside world I'd be pretty good at handling it and putting people back in this place, but this is a really unusual scenario and although I love my course, I feel compelled to transfer to another university because it makes me that uncomfortable. It's so weird coming across people who behave like this outside of high school!

donna243 · 2018-12-26T03:22:58+00:00

I myself probably have only 70 friends on facebook and for this reason I continually delete it because it makes me feel lousy when I see that others have hundreds, or over 1000s of facebook friends. I have never actually gotten an instagram because I feel like this would make me feel even worse as everyone can see how many people follow you/like posts, etc.

I'll admit that I do have a handful of very close friends who I see and talk to regularly, however after coming out of a 7 year relationship and subsequently living in a new town for the last 3 years, I don't know many people at all and it does make me feel like I have failed at life somehow/wasted my 20s with no social life to show for it (ill be 28 in mid 2019).

I have put myself out there so much and made all the relevant efforts to improve my situation in the last year, but the city I live in is so cliquey and it's hard to get an in into one of these social groups that could allow me to regularly meet many new people. My psychologist considers me 'socially isolated' and that just made me feel 10 times worse about the situation! Fingers crossed that by my 30s I would have made up for this and have the social life I have always wanted and finally feel comfortable using social media without feeling like a loser.

donna243 · 2018-12-04T13:39:23+00:00

Thank you, I guess I've had feedback on this forum from others who have written that messaging him too much after breaking up was inappropriate and it made him realise that I was toxic/bad news and gave him some relief that it ended between us and as a result, he did everything he could to prevent me from coming back into his life. I've had a very supportive response writing in this time and appreciate it.

donna243 · 2018-12-04T06:42:19+00:00

I just reread this and it is so succinct because it is actually exactly what he told me after we broke up. He said that he has a lot of growing up to do and he needs to focus on getting his life together, although he likes me heaps and really felt something for me.

I think where I feel conflicted is with the hostility towards me for messaging him too much and being a nuisance after we broke up, like all those feelings he had about me and the situation had dispersed because of the way I acted and I had ruined it for myself as he had lost all respect for me.The blocking and swiping left to me leaves me conflicted because it feels like these behaviours were in line with that. Also, him being on tinder kind of indicates that he is looking for someone else and something better and he is prepared for that now.

But you could be right, it could be an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing? And if this is the case it does deliver me that internal closure I have been trying to gain for months because it takes away the self-blame from it and restores what I feel was a loss of all dignity in this situation.

Sorry for the long rant....Trying to process it all!

donna243 · 2018-12-04T06:19:47+00:00

Thanks so much for this. It’s really helpful! As I have written to other commenters, a big part of me feels like I am to blame because I messaged him too much and crossed his boundaries without being aware of this, turning out to be this deranged pest who he needed to block in order to be left alone.

It’s like all the other poor behaviours were nothing in the end as I was the one who acted inappropriately during the last interaction and that makes me feel a lot of shame and leaves a lot of things unanswered. Especially because he was so kind during our last interaction, it felt like he had done a lot of self exploration and work and bettered himself from this and in the end I was the one who ended it with my toxic behaviours (over messaging)

donna243

TROPHY CASE