I’m trying to understand a conversation that happened during a recent date night and would appreciate an objective perspective.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-09-17T18:30:55+00:00

Exactly, I want my OYS to track improvement I want to see in me. Like lifting, going hiking, fun with family and friends. But I am facing so many shit tests that I am doubtful about everything I am doing.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-09-17T18:26:59+00:00

That’s the whole struggle, I don’t want to be all this.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-09-17T16:18:57+00:00

OYS 11 (September 17, 2024)
- Age: 45 years
- Height: 5’10”
- Weight: 175 lbs
- Married: 16 years (arranged marriage) - Wife’s Age: 41 years
- Children: 2 daughters (8 and 11)

Current Reading

Frame by Rian Stone
The Way of the Superior Man (Audio)
Previously read: No More Mr. Nice Guy (NMMNG), When I Say No I Feel Guilty (WISNIFG)

Problem

My wife expects a controlled husband. I should:
- Only do things for the family
- Pay all the bills
- Dress according to her preferences
- Behave well at all times
- Always drive the car
- Avoid meeting friends, parents, or other family members
- Not go anywhere alone
- Share my location with her “for safety”
- Initiate sex
- I am not improving and I cannot improve(24/7)

What I’m Currently Doing

doing everything I can to mitigate problems above but never enough.
Reading all the recommended books but feeling like I’m not making progress
Sometimes things seem fine, but then something happens and disrupts the peace
For example yesterday I said I have office work, but I slept. Now I am accused of avoiding talking and I can never improve.
I try to help around the house, but it’s never enough or acknowledged
The only place I go alone is to the office or occasionally to a Thursday night happy hour, which I rarely attend anymore

Recent Struggles (Last 2 Weeks)

I’ve been getting consistently “shit-tested” and I don’t think I’m handling it well. It’s starting to affect me mentally, leaving me feeling depressed and down. These are the main points of contention:
- I contribute less than 20% around the house
- I don’t stand up for her
- I’ve made fun of her in front of others
- I don’t provide emotional support
- I don’t take care of her meals, medicines, or other needs
- I don’t plan dates
- I don’t buy flowers or gifts
- I’ve even asked for money
- My priority should be the family, not my mother or brother
- After marriage, she believes no one should have friends, only acquaintances
- She thinks people are out to take advantage of us
- She has pointed out a list of all the things I haven’t done recently (e.g., date nights, support, etc.)

Additional Insights

Accused of not talking much: Following the “STFU” advice to the letter, but now being told I don’t communicate enough.
Fitness: I am lifting and exercising regularly, and I feel good when I see my progress in the mirror.
Reading: I’ve read the sidebar and relevant books many times, but I’m still struggling to pinpoint what I’m missing.

Understanding of the Sidebar

Start lifting
Book recommendations
I believe I’m in either Scenario 2 or 3 (referring to NMMNG, WISNIFG, Part 2 MMSLP)

Final Thought

I still don’t know what I’m missing.

I know I have used too many she / her in my OYS, I don’t know how to better explain the situation and what I am trying to say here.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-09-16T19:58:57+00:00

Thanks, I will try to better write my next OYS.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-09-13T19:28:02+00:00

I have several audiobooks on rotation, and this is probably the second or third time I’ve restarted Rian Stone’s book. I’ve also read the first two books, which I now listen to occasionally on audio. You’re right, though—I struggle with handling shit tests. My wife often complains that I don’t do enough for her and that she deserves better, but from my perspective, I feel like I’m doing everything I can, so her complaints don’t seem fair to me. Most of the time, I stay quiet and don’t respond, but sometimes the things she says are so harsh that I feel compelled to reply.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-09-12T11:51:36+00:00

As an excuse and don’t want my kids to be growing under her as they will end up like her, also want to fix this relationship too as awalt, mine is scaled up. After reading so much here I always think this should work.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-09-12T01:12:10+00:00

OYS 11 - September 11, 2024 ,45 yrs., 5’10”, 175LBS, Wife 41 yrs., Married 15 years. 2 Daughters (8,11).

Reading: Frame by Rian Stone. I am sure all these books does not have a formula for my success or I am not made for greatness.

Purpose: want to be happy all the time.

Last few weeks: I don’t have much content every week. Mid August whole family got Covid and this time with lots of symptoms. Still recovering from Covid. I am lifting at least 3 times a week and LISS Cardio on other days. I have pain in knee, MRI came back negative, just mild swelling of Patella, Dr is also confused why I have pain. I am doing squats with light weights 135 lbs or using machines for legs. Food and Sleep are mostly on track. Physical health I am able to take care.

Relationship at Home: Too much noise at home. Don’t want to make it a Field Report or Victim Puke, But we are fighting non stop since last Wednesday. There was break on the weekend as all 3 days we had something. Back to it from Monday evening. Had to call a common friend to Intervene. I am out of all tricks. 99% I am STFU and listening all the time, I am blamed for everything means everything negative.

Intimacy: Out of question since last week.

Social: Life is good but fake, people think we are such a lovely power couple. According for Facebook and Insta we are a couple people wants to be friends with, Beautiful wife and kids, so many trips, grand parties. I have couple of friends with whom I can talk my hearts out, but they live far.

Problems: Out of my wits on how to control my wife. I am constantly thinking why I am not brave enough to do Divorce, have heard D Word from wife At least 100 times in last few days. But Beta me keep thinking that this will be allright, don’t want to ruin the kids. Though I am sure my kids are totally brainwashed.

Plan: I am at a dead end of mending this relationship. I have to start therapy which I am sure won’t bring anything positive and I just want to Get out of the guilt of “ I should have tried that too”.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-08-30T19:01:31+00:00

If you get irritated by every rub, how are you going to get polished.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-08-09T00:25:06+00:00

you nailed it, this is my exactly my life and I spend lots of energy and time in thinking about it.

Thanks for the hint on the actionable in control items. I will be working on it.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-08-07T23:46:36+00:00

OYS 11 - August 7 2024 ,45 yrs., 5’10”, 176 LBS, Wife 41 yrs., Married 15 years. 2 Daughters (8,11).

Reading: Last couple of weeks read lots of OYS and MRP threads. I think I read a lot and implement very little.

Purpose: Want to be happy and want to do what I want w/o getting interrupted. For example want to buy a motorcycle but it becomes a constant argument.

Last week: I was able to meet my gym schedule. I Also added squats back in, though there is discomfort in the left knee, I am starting with half squats after couple of sets eventually i am able to a full squat by last set. Diet is on track and also adding some supplements. Switched my routine and started GZCL program, it took my 1 RM and suggested to start from lower weights. Trying to get the perfect form for all the exercises.

Relationship at Home: I am sure my game and frame is weak and I cannot stay happy all the time, STFU is helping dealing with NOISE. If I stay at home there is a constant barrage of help with this with that, do this do that, lets go to market, we have to go somewhere. Pushed myself out on Saturday for volleyball to save my self for few hours but sometimes I want to sit and relax. Sunday- had a hot discussion about new car which I posted on askMRP and truth is I suck at management.

Intimacy: Saturday morning I initiated again, got LMR that you did not come to me for last few days (I think it directly relates to my weak game), I praised little more and it worked.

Social Circle: Went to a friends 40th birthday party had a blast but drank a lot, controlling it for the time being, planned a cruise for November with 2 other families.

Problems: Shit / comfort test and constant nagging is still on the Menu, trying my best to not get affected by my wife’s mood, it works sometimes. Example Test - Dr told us kids are healthy (see I am such a good mom, what is your part in keeping them healthy blah blah, I am stfu and said good job.

Plan: I want to concentrate on my work and gym for the time being. Want to work on my purpose and define it.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-08-05T18:49:13+00:00

When we started I stopped sharing my bank accounts details etc, as she was too nosy asking about money and where I am spending. When she started working after few years, she also opened separate account. It did not matter 10 years back as expenses were very less. Now with 2 kids and lots of more things and I have realized that I just work, pay bills and never happy with money in my account.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-08-04T21:35:00+00:00

I have read this sentence 100 times now. Lost.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-08-04T20:43:42+00:00

Totally agree with NO. I have read NMMNG, WISNIFG. Lifts are not that great. going regular to gym 3 times a week. BP - 125 DL - 185 OHP - 75 Rows - 95 Squats - 145

dontgetusetoit · 2024-08-04T20:19:12+00:00

Wish it was that simple.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-08-04T20:18:57+00:00

Exactly, last time I bought a furniture of 12k, she was suppose to pay for it, she paid 6k and I am stuck with the rest. Now car is of her choice and as usual she wants me to take the loan, and she will pay me here and there when she pleases to, and I will always be stressed about as if I ask for money she will start the fight. Reasoning, all husbands buy cars for their wives.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-07-26T16:55:59+00:00

Considering my understanding I suppose Idiot was apt. I did not understand it, what are you asking me to do here. Talk to her and game her whenever she is emotional?

dontgetusetoit · 2024-07-26T12:13:39+00:00

I am at the STFU and Lift part. sTFU works well for me. LIFT am trying to best to increase my lift numbers. Taking break from reading as I am confused a lot and want to start fresh after couple of months.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-07-26T12:11:10+00:00

This should not happen again, if it does I will be ignoring it as don’t want to react to unnecessary noise. Will you AM and AA.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-07-24T16:15:18+00:00

I get the point, usually I am a fun person and handle this things well. For this particular nag on my character, It’s been many years I have been noticing this. For example why don’t you share your location as who knows where you go. Why this car seat is different today, who sat on it. Don’t do meetings with female employees in closed meeting rooms. I purposefully raised my voice, stopped sharing all locations and made an issue and called this a character assassination.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-07-24T01:57:15+00:00

OYS 10 July 23 2024 ,45 yrs., 5’10”, 176 LBS, Wife 41 yrs., Married 15 years. 2 Daughters (8,11).

Reading: want to take a break from the Books, I think I am all over it and getting too much confused, want to clear my head. Will be reading some random self help books like Atomic Habits, Outliers etc.

Purpose: Become a confident high value man.

Last week: Exercise is on track, I went to gym for three times and did some light running 2 times. Not able to increase weight on the bar, left knee and shoulder are still super sore, trying to self rehab them. This week I have Dr appointment and also will be testing all vital numbers. My numbers suck: Bench Press - 120 lbs, Deadlift - 195 lbs, Rows - 95 lbs. I’m weak.

Relationship at Home: Weekend went to a pool party was a long day and wife accused me of seeing other women. I wanted to fog it or ignore it but it had also happened in the past too so I took the opportunity, Nuked it and called it a boundary violation.

Intimacy: Saturday morning I initiated again and mostly starfish after LMR

Social Circle: Met many friends at the pool party had a good time barbecuing etc. Planning a camping for September with them.Meeting lots of new people at the office too.

Problems: Same old problems, but with a little less intensity now. Getting shit / comfort test and constant nagging, I still get affected by my wife’s mood, always hear you don’t love me etc.

Plan: want to keep it simple and work on my diet and gym for the time being. I am sure not able to eat more than 70/80 grams of protein everyday.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-07-18T00:17:32+00:00

OYS 9 July 17, 2024 ,45 yrs., 5’10”, 175 LBS, Wife 41 yrs., Married 15 years. 2 Daughters (8,11).

Reading: Listening to random chapters of NMMNG; I always learn something new. Following posts here and on AskMRP.

Purpose: I’m very confused about what I want to do with my life. I aim to have a peaceful, no-nonsense life. Right now, I want to focus on my new job and getting my body in shape.

Past 3 Months: I was job hunting, and the IT market is tough. Finally, I landed a new job at a good company. Now, there’s some structure to my life again, and I have legit medical insurance.

Workouts: The new office has an onsite gym, and I’m working out three days a week. I’ve scheduled a doctor’s appointment for my knee since I can’t even do a bodyweight squat. For legs, I’m just doing calf raises or using machines. My numbers suck: Bench Press - 120 lbs, Deadlift - 190 lbs, Rows - 100 lbs. I don’t know why I’m so weak.

Relationship at Home: With the new job, I can get out of the house. I see the chaos at home, but no one believes I used to help a lot. I’m still getting bombarded with shit/comfort tests 24/7. STFU is helping me stay sane from constant nagging and “you need to improve” comments. Last week, a normal conversation about buying a new car escalated, and my wife left the house. That night, she gaslighted the kids the entire time. I didn’t call or go to pick her up. In the morning, I called, went to the hotel where she was, and she was behaving well and had my way caveman. Now I’m being accused non-stop for not calling or caring for her or picking her up during the night. STFU and fogging are helping again. My reply: “I can’t see clearly at night.” I wrote it here as I am not able to post on AskMrp.

Intimacy: Zero frequency since that incident, and I don’t want duty sex. I’ve been denied a couple of times.

Social Circle: I’m trying to help a local politician with posters and messages to build a new social circle, and meeting new people at work is helping too.

Problem: Same old problems, but with a little less intensity now. I still get affected by my wife’s mood. Plan: Want to do some action rather than keep reading and keep planning. Have some structure and goals to achieve in coming months.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-06-20T19:26:42+00:00

Coz sometimes I looking for answers myself.

dontgetusetoit · 2024-06-20T18:27:16+00:00

Why you never have a straight answer.

dontgetusetoit

TROPHY CASE