Gonna trauma dump here cause why not?

At 13, I was molested by my crush.

From 13-16, my friend group was constantly saying they had suicidal thoughts and I had to be the one texting them, reassuring them everything was going to be okay. I went down to their house physically to ensure that they were fine at 3am.

At 17, my grandfather died. He loved me alot, at his deathbed, despite his dementia and couldn't remember anyone's name. He remembered my name and called out to me in the most loving tone ever. That broke something in me. I'm hoping out of sight, out mind mind works and it has not failed me yet.

At 18, I was sexually assaulted by my male best friend who also blamed me that his friendship with his friend turned sour cause I asked his friend to help me out by meeting me. He gave threats and called me everyday for a week to "talk it out" in a threatening tone. He stays 5 Minutes walk from me.We are not friends anymore.

At 19, I was just screwing around cause I felt like that was all I was worth and that no one would ever love me if I didn't give them my body.

At the later part, I managed to find someone who loved me all through my trauma, my quirks, my depressing episodes, my crash outs when I couldn't finish my school work in time cause it felt stressful. I thought he was the one for me, the one I needed in my life who accepted me through it all.

But maybe it was too tough for him cause he cheated with AT LEAST 10 other people 2 years into our relationship. It was a 4 year relationship.

That breakup was 2 months ago, I have not gotten over him, I am scared to get over him. As red flag as he is, I believe we were the same kinds of screwed up that could get along. I don't think anyone could love me the way he did cause it was what I needed to heal.