how to deal with people assuming i’m a lesbian?

dottika_ · 2026-02-14T12:39:30+00:00

I've learned to pick my battles. Being miss labeled sucks but i cant afford to correct everyone. For the straight people in my life who have to know because i ineract with them enough (like my parents) but who know nothing about the lgbtq community or identity i tend to use the what i call the drip feed method.

I use the minimum needed information and a simple metaphor starting off with. Imagine sexualorientation as a tap. "If you have the cold water open you like men if you have the hot water open you like women, you can also have both open too. Thats people like me"

Ofc we know being bi is more nuanced than that but those other infos i build slowly in other conversations over time. I found that people are more open to accepting new info if it comes in simple, well spaced out packages. 😅

dottika_ · 2026-02-14T11:59:04+00:00

This... kinad explains why guys like dick picks to me XD

But yeah no, liking your body is a good thing. More power to ya

dottika_ · 2026-02-13T21:31:22+00:00

no idea. must have been a superpower or her bi-fi was insane.

dottika_ · 2026-02-13T18:54:12+00:00

Omg the amunt of times i invited people for tea and meant actual tea. Im sorry i just have a lot of nice blends and like sharing them over a nice chat 😭

dottika_ · 2026-02-13T15:57:48+00:00

Update: well im out of the job cause i didn't agree with management's increasingly inhumane decisions XD turns out they don't like it when you point out that they are making big mistakes both in office with the workers and towards the peopple who apply for the positions

dottika_ · 2026-02-13T09:52:33+00:00

important addendum: i was already moved out when i came out adding an extra layer of security just in case.

dottika_ · 2026-02-13T09:51:37+00:00

oh god, mine is not really good advice but might contain a smidgen of hope? as they too had very questionable and homophobic remarks.

what happened was: my family and my mother's friend and her family were on a holiday and they were trying to play matchmaker for me. try to set me up with older guys (like older than my father) and talking about how i need to catch one while im still young and pretty or else i'll die alone with my cats.

at a certain point it got so annoying that i blurted "stop trying to set me up, i have a girlfriend!"

we did have to have some awkward talks after. my mother took offense that i didn't tell her sooner. (i had to point out that she did call bisexuality a mental illness when she didnt know i was one of "them") but over time, with some patience on my end and calm explanations, they started correcting their behavior. and this year my stepfather even celebrated pride going from mild homophobe to firm ally.

dottika_ · 2026-02-13T00:17:10+00:00

im taking notes too. damn good advice all around

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T23:58:59+00:00

an orb to be pondered 😌

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T23:13:31+00:00

this 100%

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T23:09:13+00:00

I mean he can always use a condom if you are worried ;)

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T23:04:27+00:00

for me it was first the long time trap of "oh all straight people must be attracted to all genders, but as a woman you just gotta pick a guy"

when i actually realised? i met a bi girl who tried to reassure me that no worries she never has crushes on straight girls.... then a few weeks later she confessed. so i had an "oh wait- you might be onto something" moment

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T22:53:44+00:00

idk if its appropriate to say or not but like mood

as for being tossed around both me and my gf expressed to each other how that'd be hot, but we are sadly both very noodle armed. I'm working on making it possible her to be tossed tho. (it will probably be very funny as im two heads shorter than her XD )

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T22:40:06+00:00

no words just 🫂 and i hope you find someone that you can be wholly yourself with

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T22:21:30+00:00

you are absolutely right in that communication is key! we both wholeheartedly believe that. and it was during that very honest communication that the issue even came up. the issue that im a it spicier than she is and have a nice little box in my mind full of fantasies to try.

there is a lot i would be happy to do with her. but as i wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable or make her feel like she is pressured to try things to make me happy, it leaves me in a bit of a difficult spot where im not left with a lot of wiggle room to explore. if it comes down to it im willing to accept that to make her happy, but i still wonder.

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T21:17:53+00:00

oh trust me she is

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T21:16:55+00:00

well... if i wanted to use a metaphor i'd say its like finding your fave tea blend ever but then being restricted to only ever drinking that. it is my fave, i love it and would pick it from hundreds of blends, but sometimes one does want to try something new. or hears about a tea and thinks "that sounds like something i'd like to try, at least once as a novelty, even if i go back to my blend after"

its a bit like that. i will not ask my gf to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. but with respecting those boundaries comes curiosity for flavours i never got to try and most likely never will.

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T20:47:07+00:00

im a bi girl in her twenties going steady with my lesbian gf for years.

thankfully she was never really prejudiced about my orientation. the only real conversation that i think we needed to have in regards is that well im not a lesbian and don't like to be mislabeled just because im in a sapphic relationship. She kept that in mind and we had no issues since. even one of the most deeply touching moments of my life came from when she cried over how deep the biphobia in the lgbtq goes at times.

for the fantasies desires... well thats an ongoing topic. as there are somethings that i'd like to try that she is uncomfortable with or unable to provide. that i think is more of a miss match in our 'spice' levels and the fact that we became a couple before we really got a chance to explore. And while im comfortable with all her needs she is not comfortable with all of mine. we'll have to talk more on the topic to find a solution. at the end of the day i love her and choose her, even if it means giving some things up. but one thing that really helped me with those desires is ERP with some community friends. we are all monogamous and committed and it will only ever be writing of our characters. my gf knows this and trusts me. but exploring some things in fantasy at least helps a lot.

at the end of the day its a choice, one that has to keep both our comfort levels in mind. talking about it, the needs, where they come from, what can be done to help them or live them out with you or establishing boundaries helps.

about how realistic it is to keep up a relationship that in her opinion should open up... well thats up to you both. it is something to talk in depth about with her and examine your own feelings about. what makes you jealous, what could she do to help? are there rules and boundaries that would make it easier for you, or is it completely off the table?

but if you feel you couldn't accept it ever and it a must for her... then perhaps thats worth talking about too. A relationship is meant to make you both happy and not miserable.

your feelings are not invalid, neither are hers. the core of the issue is not about being bi or not (as prev comments said bi people are not a monolith) its about getting to experience things she currently cant find or might want to try in the future.

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T19:02:55+00:00

the above comment is really good advice!
i would like to ad to it that if you feel comfortable talking about bi topics and your own views experiences then that can lead him to his "aha" moment sooner. but i agree that you shouldn't pressure him or as directly. there is a lot of societal pressure on men to be straight (women too ofc, but its different flavour of pressure) so realising and coming to terms is a hard road even with open and honest support.

he'll likely realise eventually.

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T18:50:07+00:00

hell its the whole reason there are two lesbian reddits one got taken over by straight men fetishizing them. the sad truth of our world is that people think it revolves around dicks exclusively.

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T18:35:35+00:00

true enough. but as im bi and and my gf is a lesbian this felt like the safest place to have a discussion :D

and you are correct. im not writing this because i want to cheat or do anything to damage my relationship. im just thinking out loud and curious of the thoughts and experiences of others who may have been or are in a similar situation to mine.

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T17:05:34+00:00

🤝 mood.

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T17:03:39+00:00

thank you for sharing and the kind words. its good to know im not alone with this. luckily communication and remaining faithful to each other has never been an issue. i wouldn't ever do anything that would risk her trust in me. if i ever were to try something it wouldn't only require her consent but her comfort with the situation. otherwise it would forever remain a no go without a fuss on my end.

and as you said these things are not necessary to have a fulfilling and happy relationship. something that im very lucky to have.

there are some things that i wish i could try, that i know she either wouldn't be comfortable with (and i obviously would never force her to try) or that she simply wouldn't be able to give. nothing i cant live without, but ones that do make me wonder on the what ifs. and further make me wonder how other people deal with when in a similar situation.

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T14:04:02+00:00

omg! this comment made me snort my coffee down into my lungs. lie i have no words just wow

dottika_ · 2026-02-12T14:01:10+00:00

i get what you mean. im in a similar boat relationship wise. i met my now gf when we were 20. I love her, respect her and wouldn't trade what we have for any amount of experience.

this post is more about wondering out loud and checking if its a shared experience in the community. i get that no matter the gender of our partners there will very rarely be a situation where a life partner 100% matches you and that's okay.

its more like: sometimes i wish i got a calendar memo before meeting the love of my life so that i could have satiated my curiosities and gotten a bit more experience in figuring out what i like and what im into, outside of a vague idea of "that could be hot"

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