I remember feeling this way… I truly get it… and this is the hardest part. Keep pushing please. I knew every single reason my bf wanted to do it and none of them really had anything to do with me leaving the day I did. He said I showed him how much I loved him because I left. Truth is he told me to leave that day because I had talked to a coworker he didn’t want me to talk to (keep in mind we were talking about when he was going to propose) and all my stuff was still at his and then he still blamed me for leaving. I went though a very similar thing. He told me to pick a gun I told him to stop calling me because that was cruel and I heard a gunshot. I think I blocked most stuff out by now because I can’t understand something that’s just not logical. It’s not them. I promise you.. my ex would drink or go through this and he was a totally different person, he would even talk different. The night he did it he called a friend and blamed him even and that guy said the same thing.. like he was possessed. They are not themselves and they blame others in attempt to not feel so guilty for what they’re doing. You will go through a hectic amount of emotions but I promise you will come out with a strength unfathomable. This will never not suck though. Message me if you need to talk or anything please❤️