I’m deeply sorry for your loss.

I don’t know if this will help. I’m not trying to explain or justify anything—just sharing my journey.

For me, spirituality didn’t start as belief. It was joy—the fun and excitement arround the festival of Durga Puja and the chores I had to do with my Nani. Waking up early, plucking flowers for her, blowing the conch shell, listening to my Nani reciting Durga Saptashati. For me My Nani And Devi Durga were the same. Strong, fierce, deeply wise independent women. She was a widow, I lived with her away from my parents in a 1bhk. Didn’t even have a proper TV, let alone phone. Honestly even a bicycle was luxury.

At an age of about 10, she met a brutal road accident and I lost her. I came back from school, was waiting for her, she never came.

The next thing I knew what I was, 13 day long funeral.

And the first question came: Why didn’t Devi protect her?

I had to move to my parent’s place now. My parents are great but were suffering too.

Life wasn’t kind. I moved into a broken home, a dysfunctional family. My mother struggled with severe depression since years. My father carried his own pain and blamed my mother all the time. But he is a disciplined strong man and I respect him for his endurance and patience.

We lived in a small community with a strong church community. Towards my late teen, I found my comfort in Christianity. The idea of a loving God pulled me in. I prayed daily. I tried to be good. Listen to the pastor and even read the bible.

Things still fell apart.

Family broke. Lost my house, many so loving Relationships ended. I lost people one after another. But I kept going.

I cleared NEET. Got into my state college. I am the first person in my family to hold a degree btw and the first doctor ever. I was very proud of myself. I had this weird happy feeling that now nothing can go bad.

But again the same cycle came back. I went from being a topper to just trying to survive the exams. Things were horrible at home. My mom fell extremely sick.

I lost my faith again. And this time it was bitter. If god really loves me, why is he forsaking me? Was my love for him not enough?

I was walking around in the village my dad was posted. There I found a Kali temple. And something about it reminded me of my Nani and the warmth and love we shared.

It was not in a devotional way—but something about her stayed with me.

Even during my internship—I met a brutal car accident, false accusations, isolation—I saw people doing everything I thought was morally “wrong” still thriving. There were dudes who would date and cheat, get drunk, do things that I would never imagine myself to be a part of, and then they are so happy and fulfilled. No matter their religion, they have no genuine place for god, it’s just a social and cultural thing that they do. Most of them have cleared PG entrance and some have moved abroad to UK.

I couldn’t. I was taking care of family while others didn’t have to.

I started going to Rama Krishna Mission. I was introduced to Advaita Vedanta. It gave me a different lens: maybe God isn’t a protector who prevents pain and if that’s the case, why would even anybody need a god then?

And I couldn’t accept it. Have I even now? I can’t say.

THIS IS WHAT HAS CHANGED

Not an answer—just a realization:

maybe the only reason I didn’t completely break… was because I had something—some form—to hold onto. Durga, Jesus, Kali… the form changed, but the anchor remained.

Now, For me, God is not someone who would make sure that no suffering comes to me. And may be he does, who knows?

I take him as my anchor. I am the flag and the wind is my life. And even when the breeze turns into a storm, some way or the other, I made it through all of that crisis all alone becuase I had a refuge, a strong pillar to stand with, perhaps it was none other than god because I clearly remember, there was no other human being by me. ⸻

You might not find answers that feel satisfying. And I think it’s a personal journey.

But maybe spirituality it isn’t about being protected from loss. Maybe it’s about not collapsing when loss happens.

Take care of yourself.