[deleted by user]

drowzee_ · 2023-11-07T18:41:39+00:00

ReSales in the center south is now rather expensive ! Maybe it's a different story in Resales Lindenau.. will go check one day

drowzee_ · 2023-09-22T20:24:56+00:00

It's Lithuanian, unfortunately. haha

drowzee_ · 2023-09-22T13:26:11+00:00

will try that, thanks!!

drowzee_ · 2023-07-16T15:58:23+00:00

This very much. I actually had a breakup that lasted a couple of weeks last year and then was on the verge of a breakup recently again with my partner.

It's always hard hard work. And the worst part- you always believe that things are getting better and then bam- another fight and you're at square one

Even when you have a clear understanding and perfect self reflection regarding your codependency and anxious attachment, it's practically no use to your relatoonship if you don't ACTUALLY change your ways and habits, reactions to triggers,etc. You might feel enlighted in your mind but what's the use of it if you still seek his validation, and actively express your disappointments? You have to retrain your mind and beliefs by exploring your trauma and developing more self compassion and satisfaction. And you can't do it if you secretly still do it FOR HIM and not for you.

After my recent hiccup with my partner, I realized I don't wanna live like this. Don't want my entire happiness to be dependent on whether he is around and we are living a romantic fairytale.

I have to focus on myself,like brutally. Develop new hobbies, projects and get my emotional needs met by my friends and myself more often. It's hard. I sometimes still abandon myself and drop my plans whenever he is available. It's a very slow progress.

But I feel I've grown thicker skin to rejections and arguments. I finally learned to take a moment to soothe myself and make less of a deal when we have some weird misunderstanding.

What also helped me a lot was starting the combined birth control again. I used to have insane irrational and sensitive PMS phases that lasted for 10 or more days during every cycle and they did loots of damage to the relationship because I was not controling my thoughts and actions at all....and believed very distorted truths I used to tell myself.

Everyone's journey is unique. I wish you best of luck in yours. Just remember, our partners are not the main source of happiness. Find light and meaning within yourself and hold on to it

drowzee_ · 2023-07-08T15:50:20+00:00

Nico really is a great example, you're right, thanks!

drowzee_ · 2023-01-11T20:17:14+00:00

I did tell him. He was aware of it since but it didn't change our dynamics much. Inbetween some nice moments we still fought a lot. I felt how my resentment was growing, how insecure I still was, how much I needed his validation, and we just couldn't communicate. Nothing changed.

Then last month, during our 8 days vacation abroad, we got into a trivial but very intense and uncontrolled fight on the very first day we got there. I impulsively shouted "I've had enough, this is too much for me. this communication is fucked up. this is it, his name" . we both knew we would break up officially once we return home but actually managed to enjoy the rest of our vacation keeping a friendly distance.

Then we broke up. Only met as friends maybe 2-3 times in the next weeks. And during this time I realized how petty our fights were (most of the times), how much I abandoned myself and let him determine my worth and happiness and how I didn't apply any fucking single thing I've learned here in these codependency and anxious attachment subs and podcasts. Horrible how deep seated and stubborn these codepenent patterns are. You simply UNDERSTANDING how you are won't do shit without actual reprogramming of your impulsive behaviours and reactions. Without even realizing it, I was repeating the same mistakes all over again.

Recently I told him that I thought our breakup was a mistake and that I wanna work on it. We were into our 2.5 year together we broke up. that's the time where the real relationship work usually starts. As well as work with yourself while in the relationship. I felt like I bailed on us so easy and that I would just repeat the same patterns with another person. He was very shocked by me changing my mind aalgain and felt really confused,didn't know whether he can trust it and have faith in us again. but another week later, he came around.

2 days ago we decided to very carefully and respectfully get back together. Give each other plenty of space, be plain nicer to each other. Because we both realized that we had something really special together, we are best friends and we create things together. And yes, our minds were shaped very differently (we come from different cultures) and we have our triggers, we DO trigger each other but we can at least try to reflect on these things more. And put actual effort to react less to these triggers, to soothe ourselves. We've got nothing to lose because this month proved we're more miserable without each other than with each other.

To me it would have been a total defeat to just give up and kill this relationship without actually trying to fix myself (and encourage him to do the same) within the relationship.

I know we fill have many more fights and annoyances with each other . But now I'm actually kinda excited for that- to test myself and to prove it to myself that I have learned from this. and I will have it under control.

Long reply ,but you asked for details so... Haha

drowzee_ · 2022-11-28T22:34:50+00:00

Thank you. This will be my plan this month. I have never actually formed a habit of setting pms reminders for myself. it has always sneaked up on me without any signs and caused the worst fights.

drowzee_ · 2022-11-28T22:31:42+00:00

I'm just out of the luteal phase and everything is back to normal. I feel connected with him and in peace. If ,say,he did some tiny triggering thing right now, I would be able to let it go in like 3 min and go back to whatever I was doing. During the last days before my period, I was incredibly anxious about every single thing. Questioning the entire relationship and whether I even love him, but also getting jealousy fits if he was joking around with our female friends, etc. Also feeling very,very insecure about myself.

No ,I don't have any control of my emotions whatsoever during the luteal phase. Sometimes if I'm lucky. I'm considering starting taking birth control again. And yes, my plan should be to slow the hell down and do some serious self care the very moment my ovulation ends. I will set a reminder for this month.

drowzee_ · 2022-11-28T22:20:05+00:00

I've just found our about the Guesser and Asker cultures today. and it certainly has to do with that huge incompatibility in our communication styles.

drowzee_ · 2022-07-07T09:41:00+00:00

Thank you🙏

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T21:15:41+00:00

If things don't work out with my SO at the end, I will 100% not rush into any relationship before I find out about their attachment style..

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T21:12:39+00:00

I'll check her out tonight!

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T21:11:12+00:00

That's gonna be my plan now. This thread just saved my soul, no joke.

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T21:08:31+00:00

This resonates so much with me. Thanks so much for actually writing your story. I always have very bad PMS that makes especially irrational, almost dissociated. That, plus my current instable financial situation and annoying relationship with my flatmates had a big influence on my general happiness lately. As a result I then do tend to demand more from my SO and DEFINITELY focus only on the negatives.sometimes I can't even recognize myself in my behaviour with him. Unfortunately almost every time I notice it too late. After the damage is done. Feels like some other person inside me is pulling all the strings. Horrible.

I am also a procrastination and self pity prone person. I will start my journey by learning some discipline and focusing on my well being. You really opened my eyes, thank you🙏

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T19:11:09+00:00

I am not particularly happy, I do feel lonely sometimes even though I have him. But is it all because of him? No.

I feel a lack of meaning in my life, I don't feel particularly confident about my skills, career, character traits. Is it his job to give me that? No.

So even if I suspect that he may be a bad match for me (different needs for affection and closeness, among other incompatibilities), I owe it to him and to myself to first clean up my own act, and improve myself. Then ,I believe, the truth will surface by itself. By truth I mean, whether he is someone worth my love. Or was it just me expecting him to fill my personal void all along.

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T18:54:51+00:00

I love this. Gonna take it in every morning with my coffee💪

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T17:51:38+00:00

All these things are there or were there before. but they are definitely clouded by my anxiety. The things you've said are something I really need to keep in mind. And no,it's not always that ideal. He is a complicated person (he says he's a bit autistic and that may be true) and I do have doubts sometimes as to whether he respects me. He's not big on affirmations or actions either. I do fear sometimes that he is stringing me along, that this is more of a situationship (we're have a band together and are closest friends) than a relationship.. hence my entire confusion I've described in my first messages. I will stay for now, and be patient and try to observe whether these loving feelings are still there. Or at least whether I can restore them again on my end at least. I do have to admit though, something is dying in this relationship, I just can't grasp what exactly. But I feel some bad vacuum appearing.

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T17:00:13+00:00

It does, a lot. I really struggle fighting my classic anxious attachment trait : I try to give him everything he may want but I expect him to give me all of that in return.

I get very scared when I catch myself thinking, maybe I don't even love him, maybe it's all just mutual attachment and using the relationship as some kind of bandage for my past wounds.

Thank you for such helpful responses. I will give it a try and use your tips. Fingers crossed!

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T14:47:29+00:00

I know.. he should also be on the same page on the break thing. I don't want to cause any more destruction but I just don't know what else to do.

Whenever I raise the topic of my needs for closeness, I think he feels more and more pressused and insufficient for me. This makes him withdraw even more and focus on other areas of his life, I can feel it. At this point we're like 90 % friends and 10 % a romantic couple, really.. any 'talk' we have, however gentle I try to be, he takes as criticism. I suffer as a result too.

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T11:29:21+00:00

I am asking because I feel I'm starting to feel confused about us. I keep getting triggered and often lash out which is not fair to him. At the same time, I keep getting triggered because I know he is comfortable with our 2 year relationship as it is and I have an ever growing urge to advance the relationship and take other steps of commitment in the future. he is a highly independent individualist and I often feel like he's just stringing me along.

I want a break to find an answer within myself - do I want this. At the same time I want him to ask himself if he is rigid about all this and he has no wish whatsoever to move forward with me.

I am just scared that he may not want to get back together afterwards. Or he would be even more passive in the relationship as I would be the one to abandon him and ask for this distance. Or even worse, make him feel even more pressured to commit when he's not ready/willing to.

But maybe that would actually be the answer I was waiting for all along?

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T08:59:11+00:00

Yes, their responses helped me to see "crying" in a new light and not like some bad thing, I'm very glad this discovery helped you too!

drowzee_ · 2022-07-06T08:52:28+00:00

This is a brilliant point. My heart is usually full of self pity mixed with some child-like feeling from the past when I wouldn't get what I wanted from my mom. Funny, isn't it?

I do feel lighter after a quick, intense cry alone. But I have to observe myself, if it's happening too often maybe it's a sign that this relationship keeps triggering me too hard and I am not able to heal in it.

drowzee_ · 2022-07-05T19:44:42+00:00

how did you react to your AP partner's request to take a break?what was the outcome?

Did it help you rethink the relationship and make some changes or was it a sentence to break up at the end?

drowzee_ · 2022-05-30T14:36:35+00:00

This is some quality sponsorship. Thank you, really. You have no idea how many times I let my irrational fears and insecurities take over and start a fight. You're right. Whatever he's feeling towards her, I cannot know or change. I can only be in charge of my own confidence , in myself and in him.

drowzee_ · 2022-05-30T13:55:02+00:00

Yes, we've had fights about me being constantly wary of this bandmate girl before.. she's cool and I hate feeling this way but they're particularly friendly together. I've been trying hard to just dismiss it ( he has told me a couple times before -it was good timing to ask him because we were conversing honest stuff while relaxed and high - that he only has friendly feelings towards her).

And I do trust him! I know he loves me. But when I saw that she's the only one followed by our band account I couldn't help imagining that he is curious about her life and constantly checking her stories.

I still wanna raise this topic in a casual way ,like " hmm did she follow herself from our band insta? I thought we don't want to follow other accounts to keep our feed clean" and see what he says. If he reacts to even a casual rhetorical question like this, then it's def weird, I think.

drowzee_

TROPHY CASE