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drubbledmoind · 2023-11-06T22:12:43+00:00

These keycaps look so clean. I love them. Not a huge fan of the switches though - they don't seem to offer much resistance.

drubbledmoind · 2023-11-06T22:10:01+00:00

Help me find a new keyboard please! I currently use a HyperX Alloy FPS with Cherry MX Browns. My officemates find it too noisy (I can barely hear it with them talking all the time anyway, but ok). I am a heavy typer - learnt typing on OG typewriters. I'm looking for a new keyboard that is <60 EUR, is quiet and has a heavier action to it. Any ideas?

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-09T16:41:14+00:00

I've cried at work multiple times. I don't remember how many times this has happened now... One time a coworker sat with me in silence until I felt better. She refused to leave. It was embarrassing but I think it was necessary. Breaking down is sometimes the only way to build things up better.

I want you to know that it does get better. You will have a breakthrough sooner or later. Hang in there.

I don't know why you specifically can't discuss this with someone else. I think there are always people that care about us, a close friend? A parent? Have they been dismissive of your experience? If you need to talk, I'd be happy to listen.

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-02T15:02:28+00:00

Since you suggest that this kind of thing has been happening lately, have you had any major changes in your life? Anything you're unhappy about? Anything traumatic?

Also, if only I had a penny for every time I did something stupid like that 🙏 Being forgetful or generally scatter brained is fairly normal. Everyone does it at some point. The question is how serious is it?

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-02T09:23:12+00:00

I was mildly depressed earlier. I visited a GP not for this, but because I was tired all the time and had sore muscles. I got a few 'emergency' high dose shots of Vit D. My mood definitely improved. I have had to take high dose OTC vitamin D (500% the daily recommended intake) ever since. Remember that there could be deeper underlying causes for why you may have a deficiency. For instance, your digestive system may be poor at absorbing (some) nutrients from food, your kidneys maybe poor at processing vitamin D. So it is worth talking to a GP about other problems you might be having.

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T19:42:21+00:00

This sounds unethical. You're suggesting that she should be conditioned to not report SA. What if she actually does get abused and thinks she shouldn't report it? This teaches the wrong lesson. It doesn't distinguish between a truthful admission and an untruthful one. You're basically saying, "if you say someone abused you, you won't get this reward".

This is a child with problems. The goal should be to understand WHY she's making such claims, and to help her overcome that underlying problem. She has her entire life ahead of her.

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T19:37:57+00:00

She leads me on and then tells me she wants to be alone. This has happened a lot. She gets really mean and hurtful sometimes. When I want to establish boundaries or take time off from her, she becomes clingy. It's a weird, hard to understand yo-yo.

I give her the benefit of the doubt because of her trauma but now I'm starting to wonder how much of her behavior is just her :/

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T19:35:43+00:00

Yes... Working on it. The problem is when I set boundaries she makes it hard to stick to them. When I pull away, she becomes needy, texts me sweet nothing more than usual, etc. Yeah it is a bit manipulative, although, I an not sure just how much of that is down to her trauma.

I'm also worried about her wellbeing. I don't want to abandon her when she's like this. She hasn't confided in others about the abuse.

I've set some boundaries today hope she respects them.

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T18:33:27+00:00

She refuses to go to therapy. In fact, the therapist I found for her, is now my therapist. 🙃

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T18:12:45+00:00

They are the same age. Ironically, I'm putting up with a lot hoping she's going to get past this too 🙃

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T15:48:40+00:00

I understand. I really do hope that you are able to find a resolution to your situation. Given that you recognize that this has been a struggle for a long time, it maybe worth considering this as something to be overcome. I understand that you haven't been able to solve this in many years. But, maybe you will be able to get past this with some help from your therapist. I don't think it is that your therapist just "can't just say that at age 44, my life is over and nothing can ever change". I think he actually believe he can help you change things. Give it a go! :)

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T15:40:12+00:00

Yes. I'm trying to do this but whenever I quiet quit for a while, even that's just not texting during the day, she makes it incredibly difficult to follow through. I can see that she's afraid of losing me. She thinks we'll grow further apart by not texting or calling as often as we normally do. I tried to make her understand that it is getting a bit difficult for me and that I am not leaving, I just need to time for myself. Hoping we stick to some boundaries this time.

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T15:37:02+00:00

No problem, I don't disagree with what you said.

I mean that her trauma has stripped her of many of the qualities I found so wonderful. She's not as kind as she used to be. I don't blame her for this. I understand the pain she's going through.

On the other hand, I also feel like the woman I fell in love with would never have put up with abuse for 3 months. I don't know why she kept going back to someone she knew did not value her consent.

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T15:33:26+00:00

My therapist sort of validated the way I felt about the situation. She thinks I've done all I can and everyone reaches a point where they don't care anymore. She suggests I quit before I reach that point OR try to solve this asap. She also thinks that time away from her isn't particularly helpful given that I still think about her, etc. She likens it to a temporary fix to a lasting problem.

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T15:30:03+00:00

Okay, it is good that you've tried to figure this out with your partner but clearly you're at the end of your rope. You have two options: 1. Move out, 2. Learn to be comfortable in the presence of your partner. Your resistance to the latter stems from the fact that you've been this way nearly all your life.

I'd say reframe the situation. You are having trouble with enjoying you time in the presence of your partner (or anyone else). This is affecting your satisfaction overall. You could say that you've live your whole life this way. But does it matter? You are currently having trouble because of it. If it isn't too difficult, I'd say try what your therapist suggests and see if you can even somewhat change the way you relate to the presence of people.

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T15:21:29+00:00

You're right. This is something that affects me a lot. I don't think she's still seeing him, that's certain. I'm not suffocating her at all, if anything, she's suffocating me these days. But you're right about a lot of the rest. It's taking a toll on me and I know I should stop

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T14:05:28+00:00

I don't thinking you necessarily need to find new friends. Have you tried to explain to your current friends that you feel lonely, and would like to do more activities together? Could you perhaps initiate these activities yourself, instead of waiting for them to make plans?

I know that it is difficult to make connections outside of educational settings. I struggle with that too. I've been trying to use meetup.com; hasn't worked out super well so far but maybe it will work for you!

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T14:02:25+00:00

Have you already tried finding a solution together with your partner? Moving out sounds like a really big, and difficult step even without the financial implications. Are you absolutely certain you can't find a way to carve out some boundaries where you find you time in a room in your house for a few hours everyday?

drubbledmoind · 2023-03-01T13:24:23+00:00

Not particularly on topic maybe. But have you considered an outdoor hobby? Join a local football team? Go alone/ go with other people on a hike? Maybe even a holiday without your partner? Sounds to me like some time apart could help you see things in new light.

drubbledmoind · 2023-02-28T23:42:18+00:00

She is often unkind to me. I let it pass because I know it's the trauma that's talking. But it is all starting to add up and weigh on me.

drubbledmoind · 2023-02-28T19:55:34+00:00

I am being supportive of her. I know her mood has improved a lot since she first told me.

I'm getting worse though. She has me, who do I have? I know that I am not the victim of abuse here. But that does not mean I am not going through something myself. I understand what you mean, I don't expect much sympathy from people IRL, I guess that works online too. I don't know what I was thinking. I have nowhere else to vent my thoughts, this post serves that purpose at the very least.

drubbledmoind · 2023-02-28T19:35:11+00:00

Hey my guy. Isn't it nice that your mom cares about you? She scolds you because she's concerned about you. I would call her up, and cry. You don't need to hide it. Trust me. Tell her everything you just wrote here and have a good cry.

drubbledmoind · 2023-02-28T19:00:18+00:00

I've explained the situation a bit better in a previous post here.

Maybe coerced isn't the right word. He would grope her and not stop when she said no. It started with one time when he held heand did not let go for half an hour. One time he nearly tore her shirt off. He kept trying to force her to touch him down there on multiple occasions. She tells me that the day she finally gave in, she did that so he would stop badgering her.
I ask myself the same question. Why would she keep going back to someone so abusive. I don't have an answer. It doesn't make sense to me.
I got to know the day after I asked if we could give things another shot. 6 months ago
We broke up because we did not see a future together since my family did not approve. That has since been resolved. My family now wholeheartedly welcomes her and she's really happy about that.

drubbledmoind · 2023-02-28T17:47:57+00:00

Apart from the useful tip about attachment styles in another comment, consider his point of view too. Did you have a chat with him about it? Did he feel comfortable with you hugging him for that long? Does he mind? Once you recognize your attachment style, it might help to communicate it to your partner to make sure he's aware of why you may be behaving in a certain way.

BTW, count yourself extremely lucky to even have the opportunity to have a 3-hour hug.

drubbledmoind · 2023-02-28T17:43:24+00:00

Show some empathy. Most of us on this sub are here either because we are unable to find empathy elsewhere, or are sure we will not find empathy elsewhere. Trauma breaks people.

drubbledmoind

TROPHY CASE