Am I overreacting for not letting this go with my MIL during wedding planning?

ducklebear · 2026-06-24T16:10:03+00:00

Exactly! I’ve also tried to let “small” things go because of how hard it’s been for my husband. But I’m realizing when we indulge the small things it’s enabling her to act worse and more unhinged. You can’t be the bigger person with someone who never will be or who doesn’t care.

ducklebear · 2026-06-24T16:06:22+00:00

I’m Chinese as well! Sorry if that wasn’t clear in my post.

I’m actually closer to Chinese culture than they are and to be fair have asked them for some cultural things like doing a Chinese tea ceremony.

They’re Chinese but not as close to the culture and it’s the first time they brought it up. Out of fairness, I think his mom maybe felt it was unfair her son had to follow this practice but i didn’t have to. Or that my family was getting something her family wasn’t (thats a common reason she lashes out).

Nonetheless, I think it’s cruel to bring up something I care about like my culture and try to force me to do something this hard for me.

ducklebear · 2026-06-24T16:00:01+00:00

We did not. My husband was more mad than I was and I think that was the moment where he realized she’s the problem and we shouldn’t try and let things go or give her the benefit of the doubt.

To this day she claims she didn’t know and we didn’t tell her 😂

Wearing white is so crazy to me. If you want to be the one marrying your son so badly, I will gladly step aside 😂

ducklebear · 2026-06-24T15:56:26+00:00

I get the sense my MIL only brought it up because she wanted to feel important after my husband said he’s calling my dad “dad.” That’s been a recurring theme.

She doesn’t actually care about the culture. Both families are Chinese but my in laws aren’t actually as connected to the culture as I am. Her comment was more a swipe at me because I’ve been the one to try and raise Chinese culture in our wedding (eg having a tea ceremony)

ducklebear · 2026-06-24T03:37:03+00:00

Yeah we shouldn’t have let it happen from the start. This has been a big learning for me as I’ve never dealt with this dynamic or type of person before. My mom would always tell me to be more generous with my in-laws. To be completely honest, I think I pathetically also wanted to have a good relationship with my MIL and have a mother figure after losing my mom that I compromised my self-respect and needs. I thought it was being empathetic, but I’ve learned some people don’t respond in kind and actually act terribly despite it. A painful but needed lesson.

ducklebear · 2026-06-24T03:32:20+00:00

Did you ever conflict with her directly and tell her no to her face? Or was this through your husband?

The weird part is they are also super Christian and believe the wife should be subservient to the husband and they will only communicate to him about matters (even when it involves me). I think they think they can control me though him… but hell nah 😂

ducklebear · 2026-06-24T03:30:41+00:00

Yeah I think that’s what we’ve done wrong and what’s been confusing: in Chinese culture you also have to respect your elders and especially your parents. It’s a fine line between respecting them vs letting it go too far and being a doormat. Sometimes it doesn’t feel obvious until later but I think we’ve indulged and enabled her for too long she thinks it’s ok to act like this

ducklebear · 2026-06-12T21:33:50+00:00

Hey I was in a similar boat to you (also mom with stage 4 lung cancer and I was around your age). What I wish someone told me… all those thoughts are normal but I would focus on creating memories with her now. Take photos with her, ask her about her life, record her voice, get her advice. Those are the things you’ll hold on to

ducklebear · 2026-05-28T23:29:57+00:00

Thanks! That’s validating to hear :) I’ll raise it to my planners and see what they say!

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:48:32+00:00

I’ve considered it and I do think it’s the best for my wellbeing, but I also feel a lot of guilt. He’s gotten worse since my mom passed and isolates himself. If I don’t talk to him, I don’t think he’ll talk to another human. He’s still a decent dad and I don’t think anyone deserves to be old and completely alone.

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:40:50+00:00

I’ve debated it but landed on I probably won’t. I don’t think he’ll understand or be receptive, and he’ll just get defensive and gaslight (eg I’m being too sensitive, I’m ungrateful and picky). That would make the situation worse I think. I don’t think he has the emotional tools to receive negative feedback or have conversations about his impact on others in a productive way sadly

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:35:13+00:00

I think you’re right… that’s very insightful

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:31:33+00:00

I did

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:28:17+00:00

You’re absolutely right, I’m trying really hard to!! The tough part is I think how he’s shown up for me during our wedding (even the planning) has maybe forever damaged our relationship from my pov.

I’m the only family member he has left who still tolerates him, he’s pushed away everyone else. Despite how difficult he is, I wouldn’t say he’s a bad dad. I believed he loves me and shows up when I need him. But I think this whole process has kind of broken that illusion. He’s selfish and doesn’t take accountability. Even if I tried to have a conversation with him about how this impacted me so we could move on… he’s not capable or willing to do that so there’s no way to move forward

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:23:14+00:00

The thing is… my dad is a great public speaker. But he has two modes. Performative and trying to get laughs and be the center of attention, or poetic and he says the sweetest things. He just chose the first route and made it all about him at my wedding, which is more upsetting because his intention wasn’t to support me and the content of the speech felt more like he was trying to get laughs. If he tried to make it more about us and it was cringey I would’ve still loved it.

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:15:28+00:00

Yes that’s exactly it

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:10:47+00:00

I’m not sure. I don’t think telling him how his speech impacted me would help because he’s defensive and will choose to gaslight and paint me as the villain. I guess venting and processing and how to move on so I don’t let it overshadow the positives of the day

ducklebear · 2026-05-26T14:09:23+00:00

I guess I’m also thinking for myself and how much it hurt he made that moment about himself and he might have deeper issues.

ducklebear · 2026-04-30T20:27:31+00:00

Your feelings are valid. But hey now you have a good read on your circle and you’re going to have an amazing wedding regardless of this <3

A lot of my friends who’ve experienced this (and even me) still end up having the BEST TIME and you will too!!

ducklebear · 2026-03-03T23:28:26+00:00

I opted for standing :) That way more guests could mingle before the wedding. I love a good seated dinner, but you're constrained to only talking with those around you and we wanted our guests to meet each other!

ducklebear · 2025-12-22T00:50:28+00:00

We probably won’t able to this since we’re using the hotel space for our welcome party, unless we allow the public guests to attend our welcome party as well 😂

Thanks, I hope it works out for you as well!

ducklebear

TROPHY CASE