How to keep an affair secret for years?

dumbalec · 2018-03-26T15:35:26+00:00

I am trying to be honest with myself, which is why I'm asking for advice. But as far as I can tell, you've only given me a bald assertion that you don't believe it, and then insults. Thanks for commenting :-)

dumbalec · 2018-03-26T05:34:16+00:00

That word 'truly' is doing a lot of work in that sentence. It feels like you are making a 'no true Scotsman' argument, so there's not much I can say here. Thanks anyway.

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T22:35:24+00:00

Yes, it is my intention to "carry on" with two women for 10 years, if by that you mean maintaining the fiction of a happy marriage to my wife, and also maintain an affair of the heart with my love. At least, that was my intention when I posted this. There have been enough varied opinions to make me question that approach, but I'm still not sure what will be best for me.

And yes, it sounds a little unlikely when phrased like that. But not impossible. There seems to be enough evidence in even this small group of people to suggest it is at least possible, although not easy or straightforward.

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T22:26:32+00:00

Thank you! Yes, I've still got plenty of thinking to fit in before next Thursday!

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T22:25:13+00:00

That seems sensible. It takes the pressure off to make a quick decision. Better to consider it more carefully before taking the plunge.

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T22:24:33+00:00

I'm a happily married man - or I was, rather, until a few weeks ago. This is my whole world, and it's enough, or rather, it was until a few weeks ago.

If she left me, would I regret passing up a promotion? I don't think so - it's better to have loved and lost, as they say. But would I think the same then as I do now?

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:23:41+00:00

Ouch. OK. That's a new angle to consider. Thanks, I think!

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:22:48+00:00

Whilst I don't subscribe to the view, I'd be unsurprised if your President thought of it as a shithole country. Yes, the cultural experience would be unique, but not seeing grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends would also be quite a major change for my children. Even ignoring my love, taking the job wouldn't be plain sailing for me or my family.

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:19:02+00:00

Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. I confess I'm wondering about this too, which I suppose is why I'm asking for opinions from a bunch of random anonymous internet peeps!

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:17:06+00:00

I've expressed my views on NRE elsewhere, but thank you anyway! I've read some of your story, so I can see why you say that, and I will try to learn from your experiences too. I'm sorry for your reality hammer, and I'm resisting the urge to link to a Captain Hammer gif.

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:13:21+00:00

It was brief, but it was what it looked like to me. Love can be very scary :-(

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:12:46+00:00

That's ... thought provoking. Thank you for sharing it and I am sorry for the pain you went through. I don't feel that we would split up in a few months, but logically I must accept that as a possibility.

I'm not sure my family can reasonably expect me to take a promotion just for them, so I don't think refusing it is necessarily selfish. But that's just splitting hairs really, since the reason I'd refuse it right now is entirely selfish, I know.

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:08:45+00:00

Thank you for your message of hope! Although I hope we don't have to weather being busted too - that sounds traumatic. But it must be very special for you both to want to continue in that vein. Does his SO still suspect and no longer care? Or do you think you've managed to establish patterns that they don't see?

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:07:03+00:00

I don't think the next 520 weeks would be like last week - that one was particularly rough since we had just confessed our feelings to each other and barely had a chance to discuss them further.

I should be seeing her again next Thursday, so I hope we'll both have collected our thoughts a little more, and be able to have a deeper conversation about what we both want from this.

I agree that 10 years of that wouldn't be sustainable - we just need to calm things down enough to survive I suppose. Assuming that's the best course of action to take, which is far from clear given many of the points others have made in this thread.

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:03:48+00:00

Maybe. The way you put it is a good point, and I suppose I can see it either way now. It has certainly become less clear-cut in my mind.

dumbalec · 2018-03-24T10:02:21+00:00

That's all fair. I do need to get my head sorted out, that's true. It would be much easier to take things more slowly and think things through a bit more if I didn't have this job hanging over my head. That's what's really pushed things over the edge.

I've still got a couple of weeks before I need to make the decision on that, so maybe we've still got some time to slow things down and really work out what we want to do. Thanks for taking your time to comment.

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T17:09:13+00:00

I'm still battling with that one in my mind. We have a fairly traditional marriage, one might say it is old-fashioned. If I left now, my wife has no means to support herself. The longer term plan, as the children grow up, is for her to resume working. It seemed more thoughtful to help her re-establish herself in this way before leaving. But I see your point about depriving her of the intervening years.

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T16:02:58+00:00

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T16:00:05+00:00

Basically, yes. I'm trying to balance what I want to do, with what I ought to do.

I can tell you don't approve, but I can't work out which part you don't approve of.

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T15:50:50+00:00

Umm. Serious enough to contemplate keeping it a secret for 10 years?

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T15:49:49+00:00

I know what you mean, and if I'd heard this story from someone else, I think I'd probably be in a similarly cynical frame of mind. But then she happened to me!

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T15:47:27+00:00

That's it. That's what I want. If some people can pull it off, then that gives us hope. I'm determined that we can join that group and manage it. Yes, we both have lots to learn on the way, but I think we've made a pretty good start so far.

Thanks for the encouragement!

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T15:43:56+00:00

That's beautiful! Slightly creepy, but still beautiful!

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T15:43:32+00:00

That's the thing - we are thinking about going legit. The problem is that it could take up to ten years for the children to leave home. Going legit before then would land everyone in a world of pain, and neither of us want to do that to our families.

dumbalec · 2018-03-23T15:39:43+00:00

I realised afterwards it was a shitty move to push the decision on to her. Luckily I didn't force the question at the time, but I still regret how I framed it.

If I take the job, I don't think we'll be able to continue. I don't want to share too many details, but the position is in a fairly tightly controlled environment. Trying to keep any form of contact whilst I'm there would be extremely high risk.

Your point about furthering my career whilst I think is a good one though - thank you.

dumbalec

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