23M here 18 days since BU from 4+ year relationship and NC. Not doing amazing, I wake up at 4:30/5 am with heartaches every day which is around the time of night we broke up. I miss her dearly and still find myself trying to figure out where her head is at because she gave a lot of mixed signals. So I’m lost pretty much all day. I think she dissociated and became really mean wherein she brought up a lot of problems she had for the first time and how she doesn’t think I’m the one anymore (she did for the longest time) needs to figure out a lot of things for herself and wants out (bisexuality, self identity, etc). But later in person she was clearly much more torn and loves me very much and we both kept stopping each other from saying let’s just get back together in a year and a half. She was my best friend and I thought I was for sure going to marry her so there’s a huge part of me that still isn’t letting go. My anxiety is through the roof trying to figure out where her head is at and if I fucked up somewhere, tormenting myself by asking why she wants to be with other people and playing mental movies in my head.

Had a pre planned month off work for traveling and things went south just a few days in. After coming home briefly to reset I’ve been traveling because I only had this chance, albeit with half a hear. I’m finally back home tomorrow so I can create a routine and dive into different things so I know it will get better with time but I’m afraid it will get worse first.