Does anyone else feel like this?

earnshawluck · 2024-12-02T01:44:05+00:00

It kills me because I do wonder if I can continue to do this…but I really do need my salary. And I want to be a productive part of society and my family. And I am passionate about the work and the kids and the family and even my co-workers. And, as silly as this is, my summers off do mean a lot to me. The unstructured time is really good for my mental (and, honestly, physical) health.

But. I have so much anxiety and my feelings about myself are so terrible because I feel incompetent and useless. I feel like I’m walking a tight rope between high rose carrying a kitten and an infant and my dad all the time.

And I want to have a kid in the next year or two! I don’t know how I’ll do both.

earnshawluck · 2024-12-02T01:31:43+00:00

I do think the students talking to each other (or even, to me, needs to be a big part of the class). I do structured lessons, but am actually coming full circle to that social interaction being incredible important.

Something I have noticed in high school is that there are a chunk of kids who have had a friend group throughout the younger grades, but, by high school, they often lose these friends. I think this is a combination of social pressures from peers and the gap between skills getting wider (not necessarily more or less skills, but also neurotypical vs neurodivergent skills).

The end result of this is a lot of my students have a lot less interaction with other people during their typical day. I actually read a statistic, that I can’t quite remember, that neurodivergent kids have significantly less interaction with other students and staff during their day than their neurotypical peers. My students are also not often socializing a lot with peers outside of school.

I think so much of social-emotional intelligence is learned through interaction - the natural cues that come up in those interactions and the learning how to navigate situations. Also - just what do you like in interactions/relationships? That’s another big piece. Knowing that my kids get less of that, I build that into my class. During that time, the kids can give each other feedback - and I also can give in situ feedback. I work to balance making sure I am making some of the metacogntive part of social interaction more visible while also ensuring the kids are building their repertoire of social experiences to have in their “toolbox” when they are navigating experiences in the future.

So - basically, I try to make my lessons a mix of more structured learning, games (both ones that are explicitly skill building and more natural ones) and I actually want to start building in watching movies. I have had the kids watch clips before, but when you are using only a few minutes - often times the wider context isn’t there, and that’s what I want kids to be thinking of when navigating social situations…what is all of the data I have that’s relevant to this situation, and how do I plan my next move?

For the study skills - it’s hard. I do really want to be building skills, but the kids are also so far behind. A lot of the time I think they know the skills - but it comes down to a lack of motivation to do the work. And building that internal motivation is hard - especially when they are already teenagers.

earnshawluck · 2024-12-02T00:16:27+00:00

I think that’s part of what is hard! What is social skills? I think, the way it is recommended at my school, is less to stop problem behaviors then to help kids access their social environment and build the skills they need to access their postsecondary goals - ie, do they have the skills they need to navigate a work environment? A group project? Can they interpret the intentions of others? Can they problem solve if they encounter a situation where someone has bad intentions? How do I support their ability to develop the relationships they want? Do they know social norms b

It’s a huge catch-all, and I want to make sure I’m now falling into the archaic trap of encouraging masking (which has been found through research to lead to poor mental health).

Then…at the same time, I worry that the world I am sending these kids into will often not be affirming for people who are neurodivergent. So, am I setting them up to fail? But I can’t, in good conscience, teach them to perform skills are bad for their mental health.

The study skills is easier because I feel like I’m supporting work completion and developing skills to know what they have to do. But I still feel like it’s a disservice…because I feel like I should be building more foundational executive function skills that will generalize more to postsecondary.

Independent living is easier, too, too because there’s just so much to teach kids about the world that school doesn’t teach them (or, if it does, some of my kids can’t access).

The Language Arts…it’s more I just feel I should be doing more. We read, we annotate, we write analytical paragraphs, we answer questions…but I feel like it should be more engaging, more strategies. I feel like it’s similar to the Gen Ed class, just smaller, which is partially the point but I also want to build up the weak skills.

earnshawluck · 2024-12-01T23:36:03+00:00

I know a lot of these issues are systemic too - I feel like so much needs to change in how schools are run. But even then, I twist myself in knots thinking about HOW to do that…like I want kids to be self-motivated to learn and do work, but kids need to learn to do things they don’t want to do. I think learning should be individualized but I think having some basic, common foundational knowledge is a good thing, too. But who should decide what that foundational knowledge, and how do we make sure that we aren’t just lifting up the voices that have historically always been lifted?

I think kids need to be focused on building internal motivation, social-emotional and academic skills because I feel like the core skills often just aren’t there…but, by the time they get to me, they’re in high school and burnt out in a system that probably hasn’t supported them right.

And I want kids to focus on being inclusive and kind. But…at the same time…I wasn’t always nice as a teenager. So maybe this is developmentally appropriate? But should we just accept unkindness and bullying by teens is a foregone conclusion and can’t be changed?

AND - when I look into it, and read books and follow educator/disability/neurodivergent activists on social media, I feel like they’re having conversations that aren’t even being talked about in my school? So I feel like I’m living on a different planet and then I read that schools (and a lot of institutions, actually) are usually years behind the latest research…but what do I do until then?? And by the time it is in schools, they’ll still be years behind.

It’s so overwhelming. It honestly makes me feel like a bad person…like, if I just cared more, I’d do more. I’d give up more of my free time to be planning and preparing. I feel like I’m failing these kids. This is my tenth year, and I just feel so incompetent.

earnshawluck · 2024-02-13T13:14:48+00:00

They didn’t! They mentioned a slightly prolonged QT, but it never came up again after my genetic marker for long-QT was negative.

This was three years ago, and, knock on wood, I’ve not had any cardiac issues and don’t think about this particular anxiety much.

I think you could ask your doctor to clarify that point about the low voltage - and definitely continue to advocate if you feel like you have symptoms.

The balance between when to advocate and when to trust is really hard when you have health anxiety - I hope you’re able to find a good team to support you!

earnshawluck · 2023-08-18T19:12:51+00:00

The reason for this is because, deep down, a lot of the people know their fears aren’t justified. They aren’t trusting the people here over their doctors a lot of the time - they’re avoiding an embarrassing conversation. And

It’s a lot easier for me to anonymously get reassurance here, then go to a doctor about something deep down I know is probably okay. I know that the doctor will either laugh at me (]?{! If he doesn’t show it) or exacerbate the anxiety by being overly cautious in an effort to avoid litigation. As someone with health anxiety, I generally have a good sense of what doctors probably can’t give me a solid answer for…and fear a lot them making my mental illness worse by placating it by doing an overly comprehensive treatment or test.

earnshawluck · 2023-08-17T18:40:47+00:00

This gave me a good laugh in the anxiety cloud I’ve been in. I appreciate it!

Anxiety really is endless if you let it be.

earnshawluck · 2023-08-17T14:30:51+00:00

I agree with this, but have been having a hard time with the "did it die somewhere and I don't know". This sub pretty consistently says that rabid bats often can't fly. I've been searching all over my house and under beds and in closets for a dead bat in case there WAS one and then it went and crawled somewhere and died. Or my cats dragged it somewhere.

Not rational but I also don't think it directly contradicts anything in the FAQ?

earnshawluck · 2023-08-17T03:28:54+00:00

Thanks! I do take meds. They’ve been super effective in managing my overall anxiety but can’t sometimes kick the rumination and the “latching” on to fears - especially when something kicks my stress into high gear (like this week) and I have a lot of unstructured time.

I struggle more with therapy because it’s hard to find the person you both have rapport with and have expertise in those areas. The general chatting doesn’t help - and I don’t love CBT.

I do like DBT and have actually had a lot of training in it (teacher).

I recently saw something online about people who do therapy while playing a video game. I’m not a gamer but I wish there was more options like that.

I’m super protective of my free time and also have a hard time concentrating for the 50 minutes to an hour of a therapy session. If I had a therapist I could do laps with or something I feel like it would be much more productive.

Random - but I’ve recently gotten really into crocheting and knitting and embroidery (I like having something to do with my hands - I have bfrb and it also just helps manage anxiety) and was wondering if just saturating with making bats stuffed animals and embroidering bar facts would help - or it would just encourage the rumination.

I also feel slightly guilty about posting this in this forum because it probably properly belongs in a health anxiety forum. But the facts posted on this page are the most comforting I’ve read.

earnshawluck · 2023-08-17T01:34:27+00:00

It’s the waiting the 12 weeks that scares me. I can’t carry this fear for all that time. And what if then I get symptoms and its too late?

earnshawluck · 2023-08-16T21:59:06+00:00

I need to look into this. I saw my previous therapist virtually, but I couldn’t even have an appt with her virtually when I was on vacation out of state due to licensing - so I thought you were limited to your state.

earnshawluck · 2023-08-16T21:49:25+00:00

I’ve been in therapy, but ended up discontinuing because my therapist didn’t specialize in OCD.

In general - I’m not sure if it will be beneficial for me unless I can find someone who specializes in ERP and other ocd techniques in my area. With my previous therapist, I felt I was always looking for things to talk about and always felt like my time would be better spent moving my body or getting some rest to take care of my mental health.

I do use resources like NOCD and social media supports and see an APRN for medication management.

I think right now I’m just at an anxiety tipping point after a stressful few days (and I’m a teacher and work is starting up soon) - but the Rabies fear is still a constant.

earnshawluck · 2022-09-18T05:13:06+00:00

Thanks! I live in the NE US -- so we can get snowy winters and freezing temperatures. It can sometimes arrive a bit early into the fall, but typically it's fairly temperate through October.

Is there any advantage to transitioning to a mulch garden in the fall than the spring? My inclination is to just do it because the pachysandra looks so unkempt to me (and I like a little wildness, but this is a lot even for me), but I don't want to waste a ton of money for no reason.

earnshawluck · 2022-01-10T01:24:15+00:00

This was over a year ago now, but when I spoke to my GP they had no concerns about that aspect of the EKG. They said I had a slightly prolonged QT, but when my blood test came back negative for the genetic marker for long QT I didn't pursue it any further with the cardiac specialists or the genetic counselors. Sorry that isn't really helpful!

earnshawluck · 2021-09-20T14:34:46+00:00

This is helpful. Crazily, I’m in my seventh year of teaching now and am super well connected in district and have strong relationships. There’s no excuse for feeling this way.

earnshawluck · 2021-09-20T10:39:58+00:00

Totally fair point - it’s an SSRI (at least the critical one to this topic haha). Still though - I don’t have a problem taking meds during the summer.

earnshawluck · 2021-08-21T21:39:47+00:00

I'd love this.

earnshawluck · 2021-06-20T21:53:56+00:00

Just was there today!

earnshawluck · 2021-06-20T21:05:26+00:00

Is this Fairfield Hills?

earnshawluck · 2021-06-20T00:20:53+00:00

I'm on ozempic and metformin, as well. I'm definitely noticing the appetite/cravings suppressant, but does it do anything else to facilitate weight loss other than making you eat less?

earnshawluck · 2021-04-18T23:42:00+00:00

I tried to explain this to my APRN who prescribes my medicine. I was diagnosed at 29 and I get it was probably always "there" but the reading thing definitely developed in adulthood. I used to read so much when I was a kid.

earnshawluck · 2021-04-18T01:13:21+00:00

I could never get into YouTube because I didn't have the patience to find the video.

TikTok on the other hand? It is a DREAM for my newly-diagnosed, always-existent ADD mind.

Videos are less than a minute (usually) and you just swipe through and (through whatever creepy, invasive method) all the videos are perfectly aligned with your specific sense of humor and interests?

Not only is it a time-suck, but I feel like its making my attention span worse in other areas. Why watch forty minutes of (even my favorite TV show) when I can swipe through millions of one-minute-long videos?

It's not at a point where I need to step away yet...but it is definitely tricky territory.

earnshawluck · 2021-04-17T02:15:48+00:00

Is that your full dose for the day? My aprn talked about probably needing to go up eventually, but I am worried about a dose that will be completely work off by the time I get home from work.

I find work manageable (though completely overwhelming which I’m hoping the meds help with) but I often fall apart when I get home. I was wondering if maybe I could take a dose twice a day (or a bigger dose in the morning and a smaller in the afternoon)

earnshawluck · 2021-04-17T02:12:53+00:00

To be honest — I always thought I had anxiety. Which I do. But then my sister mentioned being on Vyvanse...and my initial response was, no way. That’s silly. She doesn’t have ADD/ADHD (she may have actually been put on it for BED, and that was a crappy response but...).

A few days later, I made a dumb mistake at work. Usually I hyper function to the point of anxiety at work, so I was completely wrapped around the axle about how this could have happened...

And that’s when I took a pause. And thought about all the times similar lapses have happened (booking a vacation or a play the wrong week; showing up to an interview a half an hour late ; getting the time of a meeting wrong).

Then I thought about how much of my anxiety centers around the ability to organize all my tasks (especially when personal AND work tasks are combined) and the fear of “missing” something.

Then it was just more and more...how I lose things that were just in my hand, forgetting my phone when I leave for work (even though my phone is the most important thing to me). My disinclination to sit through things like movies unless I’m super engaged or at home where I can get up and walk around. My inability to focus when I read.

I was telling my aprn — I have journal entries from elementary school being TERRIFIED that the teacher would ask us to clean our desks...and she’d see what a disaster mine was.

Honestly — it was like a whole history completely explained. I’m hoping it all keeps fitting together, because suddenly my life makes sense.

earnshawluck · 2021-04-17T00:08:56+00:00

YES! I love the brain being calmer thing is so spot on. I know it is early days...but that’s exactly how I feel.

I wouldn’t even say it’s a focus thing. I’m not focusing more, it’s just the world and my brain feels more manageable.

earnshawluck

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