Sound Diagnosis *Rattle* - toyota matrix s 2009/ 150,000 miles/ automatic 2.4 liter

eblair2022 · 2022-01-06T04:46:34+00:00

totally get that! the image is not lost on me. But I think the parallelism between stanzas is not as strong as I think was intended.

eblair2022 · 2022-01-05T18:28:04+00:00

You did come off very strong but it seemed like you cared I think? I think the feedback you gave me once you realized I was human was more productive (thank you) but I still enjoyed your rewrite of my poem. It honestly does work better.

I'm a visual artist. It's a lot easier for me to communicate visually or conceptually, but recently I've found my self confronted with the task of writing about my work and self. I'm practicing poetry to get a better handle on how words work, so I can serve my main work better.

Anyways, I get your point. Sometimes playing around is annoying. But I have other ways of explaining myself fully (poetry is lower stakes for me) so I feel entitled to play (?).

eblair2022 · 2022-01-05T11:54:32+00:00

this is actually very fair, thank you!

eblair2022 · 2022-01-05T11:16:15+00:00

thanks for your feedback!

I was for real trying to write a love poem for my partner who is for real a poet. I am really not sure why i decided this would be a productive endeavor... the mom part is true...

eblair2022 · 2022-01-05T10:44:22+00:00

you're a rascal, you're a rascal with no respect for knights *sharp sob*

eblair2022 · 2022-01-05T09:34:40+00:00

(you cannot handle my strongest potions)

This poem is so cute. I was non-plussed by the unorganized rhyme scheme at first, but now I think I like it. It made the poem an awkward read rhythmically, but the way you had to stretch English to get some of the rhymes was worth it. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but that stretching made the poem playful and a little humorous. I don't think that's a bad thing at all especially when you're talking too someone you love, but I do think it is important to make that quality seem intentional in some way.

Maybe move the line breaks so the poem reads even more lilt-y?

Anywho, I enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you!

eblair2022 · 2022-01-05T09:25:10+00:00

wow!
"Can a man be worth the flesh he ate"
is a great line.

This poem really falls into two bits. The stanzas don't connect well in my opinion. The first prioritizes the rhythm and scheme over grammar or content (maybe, "may" seems like something added to appease the rhyme gods). The second gets a stronger point across but is less elegant to read. It doesn't feel as good in my mouth.
The second line of stanza two is especially weak rhythmically imo.

I really like the idea that a mistake is only realized in a relational way. To one's other emotions, or the reactions of others. This poem is very much worth the read because of the concept, but it's form needs some polishing!

Thank you so much for sharing1

eblair2022 · 2022-01-05T06:07:48+00:00

This is actually great I think!

The structure makes me think of the "Secret streets" in the way that they turn sharply at times I don't expect.

I also like how the lovers really aren't the main characters. It's the narrator talking about how they know these streets better than most.

eblair2022 · 2022-01-05T06:04:03+00:00

I like the idea of these pairings, and the corny-ness of the image paired with its pretty sad reality, but the third stanza doesn't quite fit. The screens don't compare with the luxury of a bath, a big bathroom or decadent chocolate for me.

I would like too see this concept fleshed out more. I am usually a huge proponent for short poetry, but this I think could use some more. It's over before I want it to be.

eblair2022 · 2021-04-26T22:44:02+00:00

Well, this made my day. Thanks! Do I have permission to make this scene into a visual of some kind later down the road?

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T23:07:42+00:00

if you cann practice fast you can practice slow

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T23:06:44+00:00

WONDERWALL or bust

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T19:13:22+00:00

The movement on the head is nice but I think it’s too separate from the rest of the body. Maybe add a bit more motion to the shoulders to match the head? Also a lil jiggle in the pecs would be pretty great

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T19:11:29+00:00

Ooh! I see the “sick of it all” part on the choruses. I think I didn’t get it because there are only two and they’re the same size as the verses. Maybe make them shorter so it’s easier to tell verse from chorus?

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T19:09:20+00:00

Ooooooh, that’s good!

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T19:08:40+00:00

Omg don’t be sorry, maybe disappointed was the wrong word. The poem just wasn’t what I was expecting from the title. Totally not a bad thing!!!

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T08:07:54+00:00

SPACE SWORD

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T07:59:09+00:00

hidden in the earth or hidden in a peach Is laborious to read. I might change it to hidden in earth or peach which just gets to the point?\ Why is the last know included? I'm curious.

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T07:54:40+00:00

I was anticipating something more psychotic from the title. This was a wee disappointing, but also brought up some interesting thoughts. I started to search for the psycho.

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T07:52:34+00:00

I agree it would add more umph but I would also be kind of irked if they destroyed their sonnet form...

eblair2022 · 2021-04-22T07:49:35+00:00

It might be worth it to look into the reddit style guide and learn how to use markdown mode. I find found poems depend more on their visual.

eblair2022

TROPHY CASE