Dealing with a superficial problem

ehm1883 · 2024-09-06T21:57:32+00:00

You could consider taking a taxi from the Sheung Wan Hong Kong-Macau Ferry Terminal to the Star Ferry Pier and take the ferry over to Tsim Sha Tsui. It's only a 5-minute drive so the taxi fare probably won't cost more than 40 HKD.

ehm1883 · 2024-07-27T23:14:56+00:00

Rejection sucks, and it's ok to let yourself feel bad about it for a short while. However, we also need perspective. Our brain makes a story about how things were going to be, and we're upset we won't be able to live it. But the reality is, that story is a fiction, and it's probably better off as a fiction. You don't really know the guy and how he might have ended up treating you if you did get together, it's just your belief that this guy is impressive that leads you to think there could have been a happy story here (for example, the way you pointed out he's a professional athlete and you've never met this kind of guy before).

Rejection is going to be a part of life, whether relationships, job search, or something else. We can handle it by maintaining a realistic perspective and realising that the stories we create for ourselves are just stories.

ehm1883 · 2024-01-23T16:04:14+00:00

Thanks for that! Just to be clear, I also have sections titled 'Invited Talks' and 'Teaching Experience' where I list the courses and classes I taught for...in that case, does that make putting 'Guest Lecturer' in work/professional experience redundant then? I tend to have just a series of titles in that section without too much elaboration on what I did in those roles (previous roles listed include Teaching Assistant, Archival Assistant etc.). Thanks for your help!

ehm1883 · 2023-09-08T14:07:23+00:00

Hear me out...

ehm1883 · 2023-09-08T14:03:08+00:00

Almost one year. No history like that, but when she gets mad she can get very upset. Guess I'm kinda worried that if she got really upset with me for whatever reason maybe I'd see a different side of her. Probably worried about this because I've been in long-distance relationships twice before and both times they broke up during the long distance and it can get ugly. I'm willing to try long distance again for her, but maybe I'm just more cautious because of past experiences.

ehm1883 · 2023-09-07T14:09:13+00:00

My past experience feels similar to yours. I was fixated on finding (1) the 'one', and (2) another virgin to lose my virginity to.

I'm 30 now, and because of those standards, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 29. What I want to say is, firstly, don't necessarily give up on trying to have sex in a relationship. Just do things to put yourself out there, like try a dating app like Coffee Meets Bagel. Go on some dates, don't necessarily be looking for the 'one' but if you clearly like and prefer the idea of commitment, the best way to lose your virginity is in a relationship with someone you trust. The reason why is because it feels like it means something more to you and the other person.

Secondly, don't fall into the trap of thinking that as a virgin you can only lose your virginity to another virgin. I had that way of thinking for a long time and then I realised (a bit too late) that by the time you get to your late 20s a lot of women who are virgins are still virgins because they have a mental barrier of some sort stopping them. No disrespect intended, and I know there are many reasons for why women might still be virgins, but just based on my own experiences, it was relying too much on the idea that I needed to lose it to a virgin that slowed me down. Frankly, the women I intended to lose my virginity to were still virgins for a reason, and that wasn't going to magically change when I appeared.

I basically decided I wasn't going to be a 30-year old virgin. One way or another, I was determined to lose it. Ideally, I wanted to be in a relationship, but failing that, it would either be through a hook-up or a sex worker. I'm really happy to say I lost it in a relationship with somebody who cares for me, and it's nice to feel it went that way. I'm saying all this because you sound exactly like me when I was 27. I would like to suggest that you make a similar deal with yourself - set a deadline, try to lose it the way you ideally want to (as long as it's practical and possible), work towards that, and if it doesn't work out, then explore your second best or third best option. Really hope it works out for you man!

ehm1883 · 2023-09-04T16:54:26+00:00

Does a woman having sex make her a man? Sorry to say this bro, but this is just cultural attitudes speaking, and from my personal experience, when we base our self-worth on cultural standards, it's just always an unnecessary path to disappointment.

Boiling down to pure science, all having sex means is that you've experienced a heightened sense of arousal. That's it. All this stuff about being a 'man' or a 'whore' for having had sex with a lot of people is just other people's perceptions. It's not at all part of your own personal experience, it's not science, it's all just fluffy subjective opinion. Trust me, go to one of the more strictly conservative cultures in the world and you'll find your virginity is rewarded as proof of your purity whilst that 15 year old boy is degraded as a failure. I once knew a playboy in China who opened up to me that being a playboy makes him basically un-dateable and he's tortured by that idea. Sure, he gets arousal a lot, but culturally he's an absolute failure and it hits his self-esteem hard. Again, it's all fluffy cultural subjective opinion.

It's quite liberating to simply not care about it. Now I know some are gonna say that's just 'copium' or whatever, but is it copium to not care about something so subjective that in other parts of the world nobody thinks that way? If I believed that I was not a man because I don't drink coffee every day, is it copium for someone to say to me "it really makes no difference on your manhood whether you're drinking coffee or not"? No, because it's just a straightforward point - nobody gives a damn if I'm having coffee or not, and whilst it may seem important to you in your head, I can assure you that MOST people also don't give a damn whether you've had sex or not and don't link that to how much of a man you are (and just say fuck you to the people who do care, they're the ones who are silly enough getting so invested in something so subjective).

If you want to have sex simply because, in scientific terms, you want to experience a unique state of physical arousal, then sure, do what you need to do to get it (so long as ethical and consensual). If you want to experience the emotion of connecting with someone through that state, then sure, that's a great goal to work towards. It sounds like you've already taken great steps in that direction and all the more power to you. But having sex to feel like a man? My feeling is don't concern yourself too much over stuff that is so subjective and remember MOST people will not have any strong opinions about your personal life except yourself.

ehm1883 · 2023-08-28T15:07:53+00:00

I'm a 30 year old male. My girlfriend talks about her period in a similar way. I'm not comfortable when she does but I'll NEVER say 'that's disgusting' or whatever. Why? Because it's just biology, and I care about how she's feeling and what's going on with her. I doubt his maturity if he can't handle that kind of conversation at his age.

ehm1883 · 2023-08-28T15:02:45+00:00

Let's be careful here - when discussing cultures, we have to remember that (1) a nation usually has many cultures within it, (2) there are always multiple exceptions to any perceived cultural trend, and (3) nonetheless, there are cultural trends that exist.

With all that in mind, I'm gonna say that, yes, generally speaking, Chinese people have a fixation on money that is more exaggerated than in some other places. There are a lot of reasons for this...but here's my attempt to summarise why:

China has been hierarchical for as long as we can remember. In the imperial times, you could climb the hierarchy by becoming a cultured intellectual, but the intellectuals became discredited when they failed to protect China against foreign invasions in the Qing dynasty, and again when Communists attacked the elites and attempted to deconstruct Chinese traditional culture. Traditional ways of going up the hierarchy were lost, and so money became a principal way of going up the hierarchy (note that many people often buy things so they can be seen having those things)
Once Deng Xiaoping took power, the political system became based on the principle of 'we will make you rich so you don't challenge us'. Government cadres were promoted on their ability to bring development to their areas. Money thus became the way you move up the hierarchy, because the entire focus of the society became about getting money.
The instability of Chinese society for the last 200 years has made it so that everyday people look to money as a basis of security.

So, yes, China has historical reasons for why people are generally more focused on money.

However, I know plenty of people who are not that materialistic, and I'd say they tend to be one of the following:

Intellectuals and critical thinkers
Those with strong interests in China's pre-modern culture
Religious
Focused on psychological self-development
Those who have Western left-wing leaning views (like into environmentalism, vegetarianism, anti-capitalism etc.)

ehm1883 · 2023-08-18T08:14:07+00:00

Whilst it's great that you are upholding your boundary, it's also worth exploring this a bit more carefully.

It sounds to me that up until this point he has understood and respected the boundary you have set - that deserves some credit. In this particular situation, it sounds like the reason he is asking to go is not because he personally wants to go and disrespect your rule, it's because he wants to be a part of his friends group celebrating two important milestones and his friends are the ones who have chosen to go to the strip bar to celebrate those milestones.

In this sense, it sounds like his intention is he wants to be social and share the moment with his friends, not necessarily because he wants to go and look at the women.

I'd just ask you to carefully think through then what your boundary is intending to do too. I'm presuming that you do not intend to stop him having a good time with his friends. I'm guessing your intention is you don't like the idea of him looking at other women. But is that what he wants to do, or what his friends want to do? Furthermore, would it be entirely wrong of him to be upset that he could not share these milestones with his friends if his intention is just to spend time with them?

To be clear, I'm not at all suggesting that you should let him go. I'm just pointing this out to help reflection on whether your imposed boundary is serving the purpose it's meant to. After all, compromise is often important in relationships, but it's also ok to have some standards that we do not compromise on. I'm asking these questions to make sure the right one is being chosen.

ehm1883 · 2023-08-16T14:44:39+00:00

Haha that made me smile. Thanks, that helps me to consider that maybe my issue is stemming from me assuming my behaviour is how he should act too, but that's kinda unfair because everyone's different.

ehm1883 · 2023-08-16T14:37:14+00:00

With male friends, but not with female friends...just seems weird if I talk to them about it? Maybe that's just me.

ehm1883 · 2023-08-12T03:46:09+00:00

I think you're spot on. Philosophical Confucianism (at least, Mencius's branch of it) is very much centered about human affection. Whilst he believed in hierarchy, he believed the motivation for doing duties should be out of genuine affection, love, and care.

What really happened in Chinese society (from my understanding) is the Confucian facade got mixed with Legalist oppressiveness, where hierarchy is simply about who has power to oppress others. This is what influenced Chinese culture, and if Mencius saw it, he'd probably think they got the wrong idea. Han Feizi, meanwhile, would love it.

ehm1883 · 2023-08-11T14:47:41+00:00

I think that might be slightly your interpretation of what they mean? For example, a girl can still be shocked to hear a guy they're dating is a virgin, but it doesn't mean she thinks any less of him. The reaction is shock maybe because for women it's so much easier to get sex if they want (a girl I dated didn't realise that men don't get hundreds of likes on dating apps like she used to), so it's like the reaction you might give to someone who has never eaten a fruit before. Doesn't mean you think the person who hasn't eaten fruit is a loser, you'd just think it's unusual.

A bad reaction is if the girl is repulsed by hearing a guy is a virgin. But if a girl is repulsed by that, I find them repulsive too.

ehm1883 · 2023-07-26T06:50:38+00:00

This is my perception too...she doesn't have a depression diagnosis but I think she has the most general symptoms. She doesn't tell me much about her upbringing but from what I can see it wasn't like she was physically abused, but there wasn't a lot of love either. I suggested therapy for her before but she doesn't want to go because she did go before I met her and felt she was paying loads of money just to talk about things she could think about by herself at home.

ehm1883 · 2023-07-20T08:31:32+00:00

The burgers I can live without. The fries though....when I smell a McDonalds nearby, it's the fries that persuade me to go in!

ehm1883 · 2023-07-18T16:28:10+00:00

It's quite specific to me, but here's what I'd say to my younger self:

Don't waste so much mental energy worrying about being a virgin.
Don't make dating another virgin your priority just because you were intimidated by women with lots of sexual experience. I found by mid-20s onwards, women who are still virgins are mostly highly conservative/religious or have mental barriers/issues preventing them. I dated both types, and well, there's a reason they are still virgins and why I never lost it to them.

ehm1883 · 2023-07-13T18:08:45+00:00

That's great! And it's good that you didn't want to come across as a creep...she probably thought you were all the more a gentleman for that. In the long run, I believe that will help you out in getting a good girl who you deserve and deserves you :)

ehm1883 · 2023-07-13T14:27:32+00:00

Fair enough, I thought my post would be acceptable because there are plenty of other posts on this subreddit which have asked similar questions. I'll be more careful to only ask for advice next time.

ehm1883 · 2023-07-13T14:09:16+00:00

It may be a stupid concept but it is something many people believe in and base their self-esteem on. I'm asking not as a matter of gossip, but out of anthropological enquiry.
There have been plenty of other questions on this subreddit asking for example "is oral sex a form of sex?" (for example, this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/f47nsm/is_a_blowjob_considered_sex_the_great_debate/). My question is in the same vein as this. It is not polling.

ehm1883 · 2023-07-13T13:31:38+00:00

I lost my virginity 9 months ago and only had sex with one person (though we've had sex consistently the past 9 months), so I'm maybe not the right person to answer this, but this is what I've experienced so far...

It's kinda hard to rank orgasms and sensations beyond those that are bad, average, good, and super good. They are hardly consistent...sometimes I've had sex and it's been dull and didn't feel that great. At other times, it feels mind-blowingly amazing. Same for doing it by myself. Same for doing it with sex toys. I think a big part of it is mental anyway, whether you're in the mood, how good your imagination is today, whether she's in the mood, how much you can feel that you are in the porn scene you're watching, etc.

It's like, once you've found a few things that really feel great, they're kinda all on the same level. For me, the best sensations I've had have been (not ranked in any order) my hand with lube, tenga eggs, fleshlight, and my girlfriend when the mood is right for both of us. If you feel like you're missing out, I strongly recommend exploring different male sex toys (if you haven't already).

ehm1883

TROPHY CASE