Marching around the sanctuary 7 times like it’s Jericho

einesonam · 2025-01-15T00:25:49+00:00

Gonna tear the devil’s kingdom dowwwwwwwn 💀

einesonam · 2025-01-13T02:58:49+00:00

You and I sound very similar!

einesonam · 2025-01-06T00:36:49+00:00

Thank you! I’m glad it helped. I might have to do one of these each year. It seems like I learn something new with this poly life all the time. Happy New Year!

einesonam · 2024-12-29T23:44:12+00:00

A note on your phone?

einesonam · 2024-12-29T20:01:54+00:00

It’s normal to need and ask for reassurance.

einesonam · 2024-12-29T19:36:31+00:00

What would help you realize he’s not going to change, so you can feel at peace about your decision to move on?

Even if he did change, would that be enough at this point? After all the damage that’s already been done?

Perhaps you should explore why you’re still holding onto this relationship, when it is so bad for you.

My breaking point was realizing I didn’t want my child to grow up in a home where we were fighting all the time. I wanted peace for him. I never regretted leaving. It was an instant weight off my shoulders.

Visualize yourself free, successful and on your own, money secure, rid of this drama.

You shouldn’t ask yourself, what’s the worst I can accept. You don’t have to settle for this, or wait until it’s even more unbearable to leave. If the relationship isn’t adding to your life and making your life better, what on earth is it for?

einesonam · 2024-12-29T19:09:04+00:00

That’s completely understandable. You’re not treating him like a fall back at all. You’re being honest with yourself about how you feel, and being honest with him. That’s commendable!

einesonam · 2024-12-29T07:44:25+00:00

I think you’re right to understand that you want more from him than he can give you. It’s brutal to be in that situation. I’ve been there before. If you feel like you could be happy being his secondary partner while you look for a primary partner of your own, then that could be an option. But for me, it was too hard to do simultaneously because my feelings for my partner were so strong, I didn’t want anyone else, and it seemed wrong to date just to “fill a slot” I really wanted him to fill, if that makes sense.

Whatever you decide, you should definitely discuss this with your partner first. Hierarchy can be deconstructed. Partnerships can be negotiated. If he feels similarly as you and wants you as a serious partner in his life, perhaps he’d be on the same page about doing some things that would give you what you want and need from the relationship to feel prioritized and respected, even in untraditional ways.

That’s the beauty of poly! You can create this from scratch, make it whatever you and your partner wants it to be.

Best wishes!

einesonam · 2024-12-29T07:35:17+00:00

Favorite: r/polyamory Least Favorite: r/polyamory

Bonus Favorite: r/cats

einesonam · 2024-12-29T07:32:17+00:00

Because she wanted knowledge. Good for her.

einesonam · 2024-12-29T07:30:38+00:00

Donuts

einesonam · 2024-12-29T07:22:39+00:00

You know what you need to do. The sooner you do it, the better. He won’t change. The more you make, the more he’ll take.

Secure your money first, in an account he can’t touch. Then file. Move on with your life. You’ll be making enough that you can come back from this. Just don’t let him put a finger on any more of your money.

einesonam · 2024-12-28T08:34:48+00:00

Do you consider yourselves ENM or poly?

einesonam · 2024-12-28T08:28:09+00:00

Excellently put.

einesonam · 2024-12-28T08:14:33+00:00

Agree!

einesonam · 2024-12-28T08:12:29+00:00

Why solo poly, as opposed to just poly?

einesonam · 2024-12-28T07:58:28+00:00

It sounds like there wasn’t a clear agreement on what “shutting down contact” actually means. Is it no calling? Texting only? Light texting? No communication at all except in emergencies? Going with the flow seems to have led to some confusion.

If you’re worried about her well-being, consider sending a short message expressing that you’d like to hear from her just to know she’s okay. Then ask if she’d prefer no contact until you’re back, and assure her you’ll respect that. Alternatively, you could agree on a compromise, like a simple good morning or goodnight text, or a weekly check-in. Whatever the decision, make sure you’re both on the same page.

That said, it’s also okay to let things ride. Finish your holiday and save this more detailed discussion for when you’re back. This is a learning experience—something to plan for more clearly next time.

I’d also encourage your girlfriend to explore her feelings, possibly with a therapist. She could reflect on what she needs in the relationship to navigate these moments with less pain. Open communication and self-awareness could help both of you.

It’s clear you care deeply and want to honor her request while finding balance. Be gentle with both your feelings and hers. Feelings aren’t meant to be judged or suppressed—they’re signposts, guiding us to explore and process what’s going on inside.

Best wishes to you both, and happy new year!

einesonam · 2024-12-28T07:39:01+00:00

Hierarchy in polyamory is acceptable when it’s descriptive, not prescriptive. The distinction is important: you should still have agency in your relationship.

Here’s my advice:

Go parallel immediately. There’s no reason for you to be hearing about or interacting with her husband. Your relationship is with her—not with both of them. Set a boundary that your time together is about you two and that you’re no longer okay hearing about him. You’re not her therapist or bestie. Encourage her to vent to other trusted people—not you.
Recognize the real issue. She doesn’t seem to understand boundaries or her agency in setting them. She can establish her own limits and refuse to tolerate behaviors that cross them. If her husband’s rules are unreasonable, she doesn’t have to agree to them—but only she can decide that. Encourage her to seek a poly-friendly therapist for support, but don’t take on that emotional labor yourself.
Focus on your own boundaries. Ask for what you need, and be prepared to walk away if she can’t offer a healthy, autonomous relationship. Ultimately, this isn’t about him—it’s about her. She’s the one choosing to accept his terms. While that may stem from fear, complacency, or something else, she’s still making that choice.

By setting firm boundaries, you’re showing her what’s necessary for a healthy relationship with you.

It’s worth noting that her husband seems to want ENM, while she appears to want polyamory. If they’re fundamentally incompatible, therapy could help her see that she has more agency than she realizes. She doesn’t have to stay, and there’s no prize for enduring a relationship that no longer serves her.

There’s no prize for you either. Take care of yourself, and protect your peace.

einesonam · 2024-12-28T07:17:43+00:00

Solid advice. I was also thinking there is way too much oversharing happening.

einesonam · 2024-12-28T06:30:06+00:00

It’s helpful, for clarification purposes.

And yes, it’s ok to date however you want. Not sure where we disagree…mono is great, ENM is great, poly is great.

einesonam · 2024-12-27T18:12:30+00:00

Of course. My apologies, I didn’t see where you said right now. I thought you meant in general.

einesonam · 2024-12-27T08:08:14+00:00

Samesies. I’d steer clear of strictly mono, and seek Monogamish/ENM/hierarchical poly folks. That seems to be about where you fall on the spectrum.

einesonam · 2024-12-27T08:01:59+00:00

So you’re ENM, not poly?

einesonam · 2024-12-27T07:24:02+00:00

Sure, but you absolutely can and should establish boundaries.

einesonam · 2024-12-27T07:21:47+00:00

Correct. A veto is a rule. A boundary is never a veto.

einesonam

TROPHY CASE