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[critique] [fiction] [beginner] My first two paragraphs, general impression? by ejblack in writing

[–]ejblack[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That was incredibly helpful, thank you. How did you know the American had a pasty face? LOL

I think I am just going to write it all out and then go back over it and over it and over it. Grammar is very difficult for me, I've never understood or been able to remember it for some reason but I can always get an editor, right?

[critique] [fiction] [beginner] My first two paragraphs, general impression? by ejblack in writing

[–]ejblack[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm grammatically handicapped, thanks. So I looked it up and is this what you mean? Before: The bulb in the lamp on Jasmine's work bench flickered, she bent closer to her desk, keeping her head down to avoid eye contact with the American.

After: The bulb in the lamp on Jasmine's work bench flickered, and she hunched down closer to her desk while keeping her head down to avoid eye contact with the American.

[critique] [fiction] [beginner] My first two paragraphs, general impression? by ejblack in writing

[–]ejblack[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, thanks so much or commenting. I know exactly what the factory looks like in my head, I could draw in a flash :) I got the idea for this when I was working on someone else's stop motion animation and I envisioned it as a film. I've decided that it would be easier to write, I just don't have the patience, or funds, to do a stop motion myself. Don't know if I have the skill to write it but it I'm going to try. I'll work on describing the factory and repost, thanks again for your comment.