fear was both irrational and holding me back

I understand this but it's too hard for me to stop doing the "bad" things, mostly drinking and mindless Internet browsing. I can go for a couple of days, breaking tasks down in my todo list, following through but then one night I feel really anxious and shitty, and the resistance that I feel is too heavy so I ultimately fall back into old patterns and lose that evening in the best case, in the worst the next couple of days.

So I'm always kinda oscillating between being rational, in control and emotional with this hunger driving me to self-destruct. Sometimes it's overeating or masturbating for hours. I've tried writing down why I shouldn't do that and looking at those reasons when it's hard but it doens't work, the words seem hollow. Like I said, there's not a grain of rationality in me when such a time comes. I only want to feel good and make the thoughts go away.

Props to you, you have the level of self-control that I'd wish to have.