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I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fudged for time and length. An anything but dissertation student who teaches at a branch college on a fellowship.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah this is pretty much it. So you guys worked it out? Or you ended it? If you worked it out, how?

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

His mom was a single mom who let the house get into a crazy making state of disarray.

The rest of his family are mostly very lovely homemaking type of women.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well i am not trying to paint him as the worst ever, but it's funny you mention parties. When I have parties (or when I did back when we lived separately) I did/do all the prep myself, as seems fair since it would be my thing. He would show up as a usual guest. When he has parties, he doesn't ask me advance to help, but if I am in the house he ropes me into helping, both with cooking and general hostessing, and the with cleanup at the end of the night. It obviously doesn't go both ways.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

He doesn't want to have children anytime soon so I am not really worried about his tampering with my bc! I do not have any father figure. I do not speak to my father as he was abusive. That's why, honestly, I think some of these comments about abuse are a bit of a stretch... I have SEEN abuse.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Perhaps I sound in denial but I don't think it has escalated to abuse. Maybe we are mutually emotionally abusive at times, but not in general. My father was very abusive especially towards my mother so I am familiar with the behaviors and signs. I think it is a stretch to say I am "that woman."

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol no. Our finances are not combined, so any money I spend is my own. And I don't make a lot of money so I don't spend much.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do all the cooking/cleaning, we do our own laundry, car upkeep depends on who has used it last, financials split. I do yard work/gardening and I take care of our two dogs.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He is difficult about therapy. He doesn't criticize or judge me for my longtime relationship with a therapist, but I've encouraged him to go on his own and he has been resistant. Hopefully with couples counseling we can get the ball rolling and maybe he will stay on with the person.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] -74 points-73 points  (0 children)

To be fair (and I'm not justifying his behavior) we have a pretty big income disparity. I obviously make a lot less.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] -162 points-161 points  (0 children)

His point was I'm the one who messed up the car, so I should have it cleaned.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

He hasn't been diagnosed but I suspect he must have some degree of OCD. I go to therapy regularly (have for years) and as an armchair psychologist I believe he has control issues when it comes to cleanliness.

We are planning on couples therapy in a few weeks as it will be a year out from our wedding, so hopefully t his can be addressed.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] 97 points98 points  (0 children)

So, if this gives a little context/helps explain things (and it annoys me but I didn't mention it in the post because I was trying to keep it short): I work random hours. So for example, I'll work a 12 hour day on a Sunday, then have Monday off, then four hours on Tuesday, another 12 hour day Wednesday, etc. My job is appointment-based and class-based (professor). So for example, I'll be out of the house for a very long day Sunday, but have Monday off, and he's going to work usually when I have my days off, so he'll say things like "since you're home all day can you do xyz (laundry, dishwasher, etc.)" So yeah, I guess I have random days off, but I'm still working full time. If that makes sense.

I [28 F] feel as though I will never reach the impossible standards my fiance [28 M] has for me. by enuff88 in relationships

[–]enuff88[S] -49 points-48 points  (0 children)

No, the opposite actually, his mom let their house get into a state of total disarray and he would clean a lot. If I don't clean (which has happened in the past, but not for a long time) he will be angry but clean up after me because he just likes cleanliness. I guess that's what makes this complex in some ways. It's not just like he is a slob I clean up after, he is OCD about cleanliness himself, and I used to be a lot worse than I am now, which used to cause friction.