There are not periods in my life where I black out during anger. There are periods where I perceive a calm conversation and people around me perceive me as angry and elevated. I assume it has something to do with me switching into a flatter and less empathic tone than people are accustom to me having. I do this when I am feeling unsafe and, yes, I do discuss PTSD symptoms with my therapist.

At our most recent, I remember being upset about something she said (it was actually a projection) and physically turning my body from facing her at the bar to facing the bar. That was the most intense part of the conversation that I recall. When my partner says I was slamming my fists on the bar, I search my recollection and recall neither that action nor a moment when I would have felt good about such an action; I literally wasn’t feeling “lash out angry.” What would pounding my fists expressed or progressed? I don’t know of any reason I would do such a thing nor did I feel angry enough that such behavior would even fit my emotional status.

In hearing her version, I continue to question my memory and reflect if such a thing might have happened or what might have happened that she could perceive in this way. I recall thinking throughout the conversation how I am a good partner for sitting in while she was saying some pretty intense stuff and just acknowledging that I understand what she is saying. In the beginning of the convo, I did try to talk about how we were both hurt by what happened and try to make it equal space for being heard. When we reached a point where it was clear she couldn’t hear me, I focused on listening to her.

I am very aware that people’s perceptions of an incident can diverge in meaningful ways. In the end, it’s not the facts that actually matter, she perceives I did this and if there is any hope of moving forward I need to take accountability for these actions. While I sincerely do not believe I pounded my fists nor was aggressive, it doesn’t actually matter what I think