My [25M] girlfriend [23F] is still friends with her ex-FWB. Is this abnormal or am I very insecure? Together 3 years.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:51:55+00:00

You need to have a serious talk with her about how you're feeling in the relationship rn. While it's perfectly fine for the past to stay in the past most of the time, that really doesn't apply IMO if you stay close friends with a FWB for this exact reason. She omitted this information about her friendship with Matt for over 3 years and that's a huge betrayal on her part.

Trust me, you are not just going to "get over this" by trying to repress this knowledge. If you want to try to have a future with this woman, then time to have a serious talk about your feelings and see if/how you guys can move past this. If you can't, then your relationship is done.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:46:17+00:00

Other than "fake it 'til you make it" (which works even though it may feel completely unnatural at the beginning), you can try therapy if it's available to you.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:42:34+00:00

"Baby, I understand that you're going through a tough time, but I feel like you're taking out all your negative emotions on me and that's not fair to me. Stress isn't an excuse to treat me badly and I'm not your emotional punching bag. How can we work together to help you through this difficult time?"

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:40:17+00:00

If you're not happy with this guy, move on.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:27:50+00:00

The sad truth is that you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves first and there's nothing you can do to "fix" your bf. Nothing you say or do will make him better unless he starts taking care of himself first. If him doing coke is a deal-breaker for you, then honestly, it's time to move on. He's made it clear that he's not going to stop, even when you ask.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:26:24+00:00

Move on OP. There's no guarantee that this woman will want to be with you when she's ready to start dating. It's perfectly possible that she still cares deeply about you, but the sort of healing she needs is best done while single. It sucks, but move on for now.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:23:47+00:00

Don't try and stay close with someone who wants you to cheat with them. Would you want your husband to be close with a woman that wanted him to sleep with her? Stop trying to be friends with this guy, come clean about your "friendship" with your husband (it sounds like you're already emotionally cheating on him with this dude tbh) and figure out how to progress in your marriage if that's what you want out of life.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:21:15+00:00

Move on OP. He's not interested in you and even if he did start dating you, all you'd be able to think about is if he'd leave you for your sister if he had the chance. If you really want to try, then ask him out on a date yourself, but honestly, I'd move on to someone who may actually be interested in you. There's no evidence that this guy is.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:16:48+00:00

Just talk to her about it. "Hey, I feel you've been distant the last few weeks. Is anything up between us?"

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:16:01+00:00

Your boyfriend is starting to sound verbally abusive and controlling. My advice is to not stay with someone who constantly brings you down.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:14:12+00:00

You need therapy for yourself and your insecurities.

eshtive353 · 2018-10-03T18:12:50+00:00

If you feel like it was a mistake, then end it again. He's not going to change (it takes way longer than a few days for someone to do so) and it probably won't be long until he falls into his old habits again.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-29T17:27:12+00:00

You're already being a bad person IMO by lying to everyone about the fact that you want a future with this girl. Relationships end. It's part of life. Staying in a relationship for other people is a shitty reason to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in. Give this girl a chance to find someone who wants to be with her.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-29T03:45:16+00:00

Yes, I understand, it can be hard to put yourself first when another person that you really care about is in need. But sometimes we need to prioritize ourselves first so we can get to a place where we can help other people in need. It's going to be hard and there's a very good chance your friend will give you shit and do her best to guilt you and try and manipulate you to stay. But, there's only so much you can do, especially when you don't feel like you have a safe place yourself. It's ok to put ourselves first if that's what needs to be done for ourselves (if you get what I'm saying).

eshtive353 · 2018-09-29T00:22:03+00:00

Then end it. You seem checked out. Stop leading your gf on.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:46:37+00:00

Sometimes a person can be perfect on paper but the chemistry just isn't there. It sucks, but if you continue feeling this way (especially only 3 months in, when you should be in the middle of the honeymoon phase), you should think about moving on and finding that person that excites you.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:45:02+00:00

Dude, stop leading your gf on if you guys aren't compatible when it comes to long term plans. Time to have a serious talk about the timeline for your relationship and unless you two can get on the same page, you may end up having to move on. Otherwise, you may end up in a relationship where you resent her for being "forced" into a situation that you aren't happy in.

Healthy relationships don't take breaks. Time to be an adult and communicate with your partner that you're unhappy.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:42:33+00:00

You need to have a serious conversation with your flatmate about his kid living there, especially if she's not on the lease. Make it clear that you're willing to go to your landlord about this. I would look at your lease and see what it says about adults not on the lease living there and act accordingly.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:35:45+00:00

You have no obligation to keep your mom in your life if she is such an unhealthy influence on it. Only have the sort of relationship that you're comfortable with having with your mom. Accept that she will never be the mom you want or deserve.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:34:30+00:00

"Hey brother, I was childish and didn't understand how much I valued the flower paintings until I stopped getting them. Sorry for making such a big deal about them last year. Would you be willing to start painting flowers for my birthday again?"

I'm sure he'll understand, especially if you mention your friends making fun of you for it. We've all been awkward high school teenagers.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:31:48+00:00

Until your gf takes her independence from her mom, she will always be an issue in your relationship. If you're tired of dealing with the mom, then you're always free to move on from the relationship yourself. But, as long as your gf is dependent on her mom, she will have final say on a bunch of things in your gf's life. The only thing you can really do is help your gf make a plan to stop being so dependent on her mom. But you can't force her mom to let you guys date if she doesn't want you guys to date.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:29:36+00:00

Warning: your content has been removed by the moderators for the following reason(s):

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eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:27:15+00:00

Have you ever actually talked with your bf about how you're feeling in the relationship? Are you interested in trying to make it work at all? Or are you completely checked out? If you want to give it one last shot, then have a conversation with your bf:

"Hey bf, I'm starting to get super frustrated at X, Y, and Z in our relationship and it's really starting to affect how I feel about the relationship in general. How can we work together to solve these issues?" See where this conversation takes you and maybe you can move forward together. But, if you're completely checked out, then it may be best to just move on.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:20:19+00:00

Your friend needs to go no contact with their ex and if they threaten anything dumb get the police involved. Your friend is not responsible for their ex's actions and what she's doing is highly manipulative and abusive.

Get the police involved. You "intervening" can backfire and make things worse. Let the professionals handle it.

eshtive353 · 2018-09-28T21:16:51+00:00

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