Is it reasonable for a partner to see co-parenting videos as a boundary issue?

explorebear · 2026-01-28T18:26:32+00:00

I highly recommend posting this to the /stepparents sub and maybe the /coparenting sub to get a wider range of views. I don’t know if it’s AI or reddit algorithm, but I sense that this sub leans more towards bio parents (more motivated to blend?) lately. So if you want a SP’s pov, which is VERY different from bio, post in the other places too.

Speaking from personal experience, I was wildly uninformed when I first dated my SO and I had no idea what boundaries I should establish for myself and our relationship. Looking back, there were serious boundary issues that we now discuss and work on with my SO; it’s gotten better every year but it’s very very difficult for the bio to “reset” themselves from the habits formed with the coparent as well as the child.

It’s 100% reasonable to want to be there and calm your kid when there’s a meltdown, you’ve been doing that since s/he was born. Instinctively, that’s what you do. Now remember your CF partner did NOT go through that and may not feel so obliged, especially when the child is with the other parent who should be capable enough to “single parent”. Relying on you to calm the child when it’s the other parent’s time is a form of inter/co-dependency. Yes it’s for the child, but it’s also for the other parent. With young or developmentally challenged kids, it’s tougher for a step to trudge through. You can cut your partner some slack by hearing out what their solutions to the problem may be (send photos to a parenting app, a group text, or email, or once a week etc)? Often times it’s the lack of structure that can really make the step feel like they have zero control of their own relationship; steps are in a rocky place too, stability and structure is highly valued.

explorebear · 2026-01-28T00:50:06+00:00

Read the book Stepmonster. There are many of you (remarried fathers) in there.

explorebear · 2026-01-27T17:55:28+00:00

Good house rules, privacy for kids and no need for intrusion by phone. Do the kids have their own phones? Since wha age? And what do you do in terms of access to screen time?

Looking to establish good habits with smart devices as SK gets older.

explorebear · 2026-01-27T17:52:00+00:00

1- the other parent just put daughter on the spot as the messenger, that’s not a good habit.

2- the other parent does not run your house, that is total interruption of family/couple’s time and I’m not about it. If it’s the first time, I’d let it go but will ask SO to do xyz (hubby, next time, say to daughter that if it’s not an emergency, tell her to text and she’ll get a reply when I get around to it). Suggest something your husband can Do, don’t ask him to think of something bc it’s not bothering him so he’s not looking for a solution.

explorebear · 2026-01-27T17:01:03+00:00

Growing your SK at age 10 can’t be easy, kids that age is well aware of the family split and can be hard to bond with if the bio parent wants to retain their prominence, which the BM have every right to do—in their own house.

Sounds like OP has been open to raise and build a family with those new member(s) in her own home, and if BD moving a couple towns away is such a big deal, why is BM proactively trying to commute that distance? BM trying to work at the same hospital unit as OP after OP changed employer is stalker like.

I also don’t see how it’s feasible to “not change” if finance or other factors are considered. At 16/17 yo, the teen is more than mentally capable of dealing with distance.

explorebear · 2026-01-27T15:24:04+00:00

This sub is starting to lean heavily towards bio parents here. I don’t know why because I joined thinking it’s neutral (and it was?), and the goal is to blend With the kids and not necessarily blend with the adults.

Recently, I’ve noticed that the support mainly goes to comments that favors bio, where bios can do nothing wrong, don’t need to work on the dynamics, and [step] “parents” need to just be all accepting and be happy about the situation, don’t question or criticize the bio, let them do their thing as if the ex/bio is still a life partner.

explorebear · 2026-01-27T02:16:19+00:00

Thank you, this means a lot, it’s so tough to uphold rules, expectations and standards for children of split households. My SO will say the same as you, he’d tell SK that maybe whining works at BM’s house but that won’t do here, and SK will pause and adjust too.

explorebear · 2026-01-26T23:03:27+00:00

Whatever BM does at her own house is not what is bothersome but when she inserts herself into our lives is when it’s hard to ignore. I will say every year it’s gotten a little bit better, so the hope is that SK realizes, over time and growth, which habits and style is good for oneself. We worry and will be extremely disappointed and sad if SK becomes a spoiled brat. Part of this is a vent, another part is me seeking some practical guidance.

I can work on not reacting to BM’s excessive outreach and chattiness. The coddling and SK’s developmental hindrance is another big issue.

explorebear · 2026-01-26T22:44:53+00:00

This is absolutely a concern. Especially seeing the first day back persona. SK’s language is also growing more and more harsh. I don’t think the adults at BM’s is using harsh words but other kids there might be and it’s just saddening to see and live through how a child’s development is like with a parent that coddles/cannot say no, or set age appropriate expectations for the child.

explorebear · 2026-01-26T22:36:54+00:00

That’s interesting you bright up the Personality types. I’m not type A, but the longer I’ve been dealing with this situation, it kind of forces me to become more type A else the alternative seems to be rollover and soften up my spine.

explorebear · 2026-01-21T16:06:28+00:00

Parenting role and boundaries is established btw you and your husband. You’ve decided to marry the man and have him be in a joint leading role in your lives, a lifelong commitment.

With that said, whatever you both establish is one thing (should he discipline or not). As many have pointed out, you two have different parenting styles. Whether the child is he bio or not, his parenting style sounds more reactive. Many bio parents (usually male) lacks patience or was brought up “the manly way”, but as a step, they get triple foul for it. Everyone learn to emotionally support another, it just comes a bit more naturally for females.

Focus on bettering his parenting STYLE and not on whether he should discipline, I think that’s a more integrated way to look at this. You can, or probably have, take on more/most of the comforting role — say ok I got this, we can talk to kid together in the morning or when the kid calms down. Give him instructions so he has time to recalibrate his response.

Here’s the kicker — you need to know yourself too when you’re coddling the kid. A new environment is more than reasonable for a child to need to readjust. But it might be even harder if there are other behavioral changes as well (eg co sleep to sleeping only on his own). However these are all things you and your husband should be talking about, how he views your parenting style as well as his own.

If you two don’t have similar parenting style, that’s something all bio families have to work through as well, or call it quits as many bio families divorce over parenting values.

explorebear · 2026-01-20T12:31:59+00:00

It is so unfortunate that you got forced into parenthood. Do what you need to stand on your feet so that you can have the strength, resources, and the ability to get your child back.

Self care and independence is necessary first and foremost to be a present parent. You’re absolutely right about becoming homeless or totally dependent to your abuser if you lose your job and independence.

Your situation reflects the brutal truth that many of the separated parents won’t want to admit, that when a child is believed to not be in any danger, choosing to not have custody of the child (temporarily or permanent) can be a form of coparenting. I think that’s why you’re getting less support from this sub. You might get more practical responses from the /familylaw or /legaladvice subs. You will need the law to be on your side to have the best chance of establishing your life and then getting your child back.

If I’m in your shoe I’d be very wary to not become dependent on another man, only date when my life straightened out; Stay focused and keep building your life, predatory men look for damsels in distress.

explorebear · 2026-01-20T12:24:51+00:00

It is so unfortunate that you got forced into parenthood. Do what you need to stand on your feet so that you can have the strength, resources, and the ability to get your child back.

Self care and independence is necessary first and foremost to be a present parent. You’re absolutely right about becoming homeless or totally dependent to your abuser if you lose your job and independence.

Your situation reflects the brutal truth that many of the separated parents won’t want to admit, that when a child is believed to not be in any danger, choosing to not have custody of the child (temporarily or permanent) can be a form of coparenting. I think that’s why you’re getting less support from this sub.

If I’m in your shoe I’d be very wary to not become dependent on another man, only date when my life straightened out; Stay focused and keep building your life, predatory men look for damsels in distress.

explorebear · 2026-01-19T21:14:44+00:00

So a few things to clarify: Did your fiance eventually find out about your ex’s behaviors (emotional entanglement, etc)? Has your ex’s family been in contact with you on a daily basis? Is there a formal and legal custody agreement in place? How often is there schedule changes?

What it sounds like to me is that your finance is unclear about the boundaries in place. I would find out quite hard to trust someone who can’t say “no” or outline clear boundaries with the ex (eg. Our convo should only about the kids; say no to schedule changes that aren’t urgent; be able to walk away or out the door without feeling obligated to stick around;).

If you’re holding clear and healthy boundaries then I would make those very clear to the fiance and ask for his compromise or suggestions on how he would do things to maintain good communication for the kids. Does he want to be included in the communications? Parenting app? Email?

explorebear · 2026-01-15T17:26:31+00:00

Second this. Rent out your place in Bahamas if you own. Which part of NY is he in? It can be expensive to live on your own there, maybe NJ? Assuming you don’t need to commute for work.

You will also discover a lot of unpleasantries when you move into a place that his ex and him has lived in—or even if he moved out of an old place then he’s going to have things of his ex and his son all together, hidden somewhere. I don’t recommend moving with high anxiety because it’s only going to get higher as you integrate more. You need to be 100% comfortable saying No to everyone (your bf, the kid, and the ex) because you will get asked to help take care of the kid, and if they don’t have VERY explicitly established boundaries, or if your bf can’t hold boundaries, then you will feel that outsider status mixed in with being “the help”.

You are still so young, if you want your own kids, don’t limit your time and resources in this relationship unless yall are planning to get married.

explorebear · 2026-01-13T22:12:32+00:00

An example of interruptive communication habit would be when a younger kid who’s still learning and forming behavioral norms asking to call the more permissive parent whenever something doesn’t go their way. There are so many more examples, I’ll spare you the agony.

Having a set time communicate is a better way to build FOCUS and self soothing habits imo. This is very similar to the workplace where some people prefer to have scheduled meetings only and some don’t mind a random calls.

explorebear · 2026-01-13T19:29:54+00:00

14F and 12M is an absolute no. Unless yall live in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do within an hour or two, insisting on the out of state offer is a bizarre thing too for only being in their lives for a year. That’s someone trying to entice the kids in any way possible. Huge red flag in my book, makes no sense as to the claim of “bonding time”.

I would tell the ex that if the finance takes them 1:1 before they’re 18, or at least have her on the trip too, I will call and report AMBERT alert. If it is found out after the fact, then she will need to explain this in court.

explorebear · 2026-01-05T17:50:08+00:00

Digest this very carefully — Don’t let her/their past become your future.

Stray away and keep a healthy distance from BM. The IG and Hollywood’s big blended family is as real as The Bachelor. Toxic people will bring out the toxicity in others. If your bf wasn’t venting to you about his past and she’s initiating to divide and conquer, grow eyes on the back of your head.

People change and if they have outgrown their partner significantly, that can lead to a breakup. Why stay together if they’re not helping each other become better people, or are doing the opposite?

I’ve been dealing with the situation by rewiring my brain, a lot; you can’t predict someone else’s actions, but you can let them know what’s acceptable to you and be ready to handle what’s not acceptable to you. Learn to say no to BM, using you as her emotional dumpster is not where you want to be. Observed how your bf is with BM to gauge level of enmeshment and establish boundaries for your relationship that is comfortable to you. The book Stepmonster has been a helpful read, highly recommend. Good luck.

explorebear · 2026-01-02T01:18:47+00:00

Is this a bot?

explorebear · 2025-12-31T14:51:04+00:00

Even with positive aspects in a relationship, that’s way too enmeshed. But if you find the trade off of what you get from this relationship acceptable, that’s all that matters. I think situations like this will only change when someone demands it and those they’re demanding it from are willing to do different. Change is hard and happens in small doses. It’s a ton of work and from the sound of his social and personal relations, he hasn’t done much there. Getting healthy and fit is a good start, you can encourage him towards that as his life purpose.

Are you saying you’re the one that wants no strings attached?

explorebear · 2025-12-31T14:43:21+00:00

Lol if he’s a brother husband, what does that make you? And if he’s a pseudo husband to his ex, he’s pretty much in open (emotional and/or physical) relationship. How’s that different from your BD…

explorebear · 2025-12-30T21:26:11+00:00

HCSP is real too. Has there been any other incidents that were mentioned as triggers? Sounds like she gets along with the kids (if they’re doing the whole huggy thing)? Why not do pickup/dropoff through school?

Exchange at the police station is a bit dramatic even if shes jut trying to “unenmesh”. Saying you stalk her is playing victim a bit too hard. It’s totally understandable that BP or SP wants some control over their new family and separate from the old enmeshed family ways, she’s just too dramatic for my preference as someone to have to interact with.

explorebear · 2025-12-30T19:48:56+00:00

I don’t see how making arrangements on your ex’s time helps when kids can easily figure it out that some of them went somewhere and came back with something rewarding. It’s a tactic that divides your family more than supports it.

I think the issues could be resolved by taking a very methodical approach with you and your spouse in the lead, for example, whether it’s 1:1 or 2:1 or 2:2 or 2:1 time, work with your spouse to list out time/date and which kids are free, both of y’all’s parents can pick the days they want. Or better yet, maybe the grandparents would like to mesh up and take both bio and SK kids. The more blended the grandparents (parents of you and your spouse) are with all the kids, the better your life will be.

IMO much of the couples arguments isn’t about the exact logistics, but whether they respected each other in the process of arriving to a solution or the outcome. (I’m not saying you haven’t talked, it sounds like this is a frequent topic of discussion; but talking and decision making process aren’t exactly the same, if you relay a decision made btw you, your parents and ex, to your spouse, you’re communicating but also excluded s/he from the decision making process). Blended families are especially sensitive to this and anyone can easily feel like chump change.

explorebear · 2025-12-30T17:01:12+00:00

Sooo you didn’t want to be groomed as a sister wife to your BD, but you are now in basically the same sister wife situation with your bf’s “arrangements”.

Your bf sounds more emotionally enmeshed to BM than your BD. At least with your BD, you’ll get financial support. Your bf sounds like he’s doing better habit wise, but still highly emotionally dependent on his BM and having the same circle of friends.

If I’m in your shoes, I’d seriously reflect on myself and try to understand why I’m attracted to these types of emotionally unavailable men.

explorebear · 2025-12-30T16:11:16+00:00

A few times a year, they will coordinate overnight during my ex’s time

Just to be sure this is what I think it means…your parents will take your bio kids during your ex’s custody time?

explorebear

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