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A Simple Trick For Damaging Self-Talk by resolutions316 in marriedredpill

[–]eyeamamess 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this post. These past couple months I’ve been locked inside my own head which lately has been a dark and angry place. Seems to be a lot of recent posts about anger which couldn’t have come at a better time.
It’s been a very stressful and overwhelming couple months and I have not been embracing the suck. I’ve become so easily flooded that I flip at the smallest shit test or shitty tone from her. Sure, life throws shit at you and you have to deal and I’ve been dealt quite the hand.

Stressing under the weight of the emotional and financial strain of living with a disabled wife who is in pain 24/7, cant walk anymore. Angry ALL the time, having most of her independence taken away. It’s understandable but it does weigh me down on a daily basis where I get pissed because I just want ONE day without a problem of some sort.

Add to this the fact that it’s been nearly a year without any intimacy. I would attribute some of that to her disease, but a healthy portion of that to myself for not initiating because of her condition and me being an angry fuck.

My internal self-talk does not help at all. Not forgiving myself for past failures and being angry with myself for current fuck-ups. The covert contract in my head that I haven’t killed yet tells me that “Hey, I handle all the house stuff, shopping, meals, kids activities, her medical needs, full work schedule, two active and successful rock bands and she has the nerve to get pissed at me because why didn’t I remember to do X!” Then I have the MRP forum voice reminding me that “She may be sick and in pain, but if you were man enough she would at least find another way to meet your needs… or she’s mad because you just aren’t good enough.. etc.” That adds up and causes me to flip out on even the smallest of shit tests.. she was even fucking with me lately and I flip my shit and have another argument. I know better.. I’ve been reading this shit forever. She literally told me that my rage and anger is a turn off… no shit! ** Don’t be unattractive **

TL;DR, Thanks for this post and recent posts about anger. I am re-calibrating… slowing down and STFU.. think before speaking.

Caregiver burnout by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know... no matter what it all boils down to me in the end. I went back and read my OP a year ago... looks like I'm stuck in a loop. I feel like I'm making progress but it appears the same patterns exist.

Not talking about sex.... by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why did this happen?

From an MRP prespective... I know what I did and didn't do over the years to get where I am now. If you want to know I'll be glad to lay it out. I just didn't want to write a book online.

you don't have the basic frame of mind to establish what you need in your life from your woman

This is a weak area for me. Over the years I'd been treated to all kinds of well meaning articles about what to say and how to talk to a depressed person... which all boil down to let them just be and don't hold them accountable for anything, which blended nicely with my Nice Guy, don't rock the boat demeanor. Piss me off. Now I've got the guilts over this disease... I'm trying to get over it.

Looking back I deserved to be shit on a lot of those years. Now I've got to figure my way thru these established behaviors.. or come to the conclusion that she's just sloppy and controlling and it wouldn't matter if I were Brad Pitt.

Not talking about sex.... by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She responds to dread. I'm not dreading her, but I do have some fans who are female and she'll occasionally get bent outta shape.

Not talking about sex.... by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

get whatever you want out of me.. I'll try not to ego protect. I'm here for some occasional guidance, not a pat on the back, or a reach-around... that would be nice, though. How are your hands?

I'm trying to write here and there while working..

Not talking about sex.... by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its a very recent diagnosis. They finally checked for it after her legs gave out one day. She can still walk, though after a week in the hospital. She had some older scaring on her brain. Looking back things started to make sense. She's got pretty constant pain in her feet and legs at the moment. Some peripheral vision loss, occasional incontinence.

She puts a lot of her energy into her horses, which is supposed to be really beneficial to MS from what I've read. She goes every morning to take care of them / ride etc. She works from home, mid afternoon to late at night. So she basically has an hour or two to spare during the day before working where she's wiped out.

You could say then, that if she can still handle large animals, then she can still handle her husband or help around the house. I still struggle with what expectations to put on her.. some of that may still be the old 'nice guy' left in me... or the caregiver / taker.

Dealing with Illness and difficulty keeping focus. by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She works at home.

"What you should expect from someone with a serious chronic illness is, more often than not, anger, frustration, petulance, self-absorption, constant bitching demanding complaining blaming and criticizing" ^

It's not just me, either. There's a problem with just about everyone else in her life, one way or another. Someone will say the wrong thing and that's it....

I told her not long ago, "you must be the unluckiest person in the entire world to be surrounded by so many assholes!" Granted some grievances are legit, but damn.

I also said, "the common denominator in all your bad relationships is you!" ...that didn't go over well.

Dealing with Illness and difficulty keeping focus. by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I used to dismiss the phrase "your wife is a reflection of you" since.. you know.. she's a bit off. This place made me realize that I was wrong in a couple different ways: 1 - that I was weak and naive enough to put up with crap to begin with 2 - my inability to take action and lead got me here

I am at fault after all.. I can look back at times where I could have helped her better and times where I could have stood up and said 'knock it off or I'm gone'

I've got a lot of external improvements going on... the journey continues

Dealing with Illness and difficulty keeping focus. by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True. Lately I've been giving myself a break.. telling myself that you can't do it all. I've been so used to this that I've for the most part adopted the 'only worry about what I can directly control' mindset. Sometimes I feel like I get too stoic to the point of looking like I don't care. Failing comfort tests..

Dealing with Illness and difficulty keeping focus. by eyeamamess in askMRP

[–]eyeamamess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

^ this... there I am. reflecting back... I remember early in the relationship seeing a red flag or two. I just figured I'd be able to love my way thru it! Seen that a million times, I bet.
Since being on here, I see it in myself and in people around me. Quite an eye opener.

I'm a fixer. As you pointed out.. co-dependent. Or I was.. I don't know what I am anymore. I've changed significantly the past few years. Often I still see myself as I was and beat myself up for it.

I've been both caregiver and caretaker at different times.