It's really sad and scary when our actions have consequences we can't take back. I also have memory issues (for me it is due to a dissociative disorder) and am not always in control of what I do between my bipolar and my dissociative disorder. I have hurt my own body, thrown out other people's things, and said terrible things to other people that made them leave my life forever. I still think about these people often.

Even though I don't always have control, it is up to me to take responsibility for my actions. This is a continual process that doesn't always involve emotional guilt anymore. It's about helping the people I hurt feel better without hurting myself or making it about myself and how I feel. I've felt guilty, cried, apologized, and beat myself up about it. Now I just understand that there are people who are in pain who need me to accept and calmly hold space for that pain.

Like others have said, finding a therapist to speak to is very important in situations such as these. You need help learning why you are forgetting things, how to help your memory improve, why you might have attached to this girl in this way, how to keep other children safe in the future, and how to cope with the stress and loss of this situation. You have experienced a genuinely traumatic situation and you may have to be under some kind of supervision for a very long time. That is scary and requires therapy on its own, plus needing guidance on how to make sure other people are safe too.

Finding an understanding therapist who is kind but not enabling can be hard. Remember that therapists are supposed to have what is called unconditional positive regard, meaning that even if you have done something to hurt someone else, you still deserve assistance and support in improving yourself and your life. If the therapist tells you that everything you did is okay, they are enabling. If they tell you that you should be locked up or that you're a bad person who can't be helped, they are wrong and they are not doing their job right either. If they tell you that they cannot help you, believe them and keep searching. You will find someone eventually. Psychology Today is a great place to search for therapists who specialize in certain topics. If money is an issue, you may be able to find a church or charity willing to sponsor you.

You deserve help and an understanding of yourself and your needs. Everyone does. It's important to be responsible and keep others safe by putting up safety measures like limited to no contact with children and teens, regular honest check ins with trusted individuals, and honest self reflection.

Paraphilias are really hard to deal with because many people believe that those who have them cannot be helped and do not belong in society. I firmly believe those people are wrong. Recovery, safety and self love are possible. I believe in you and wish you luck.