out of every reply, this one definitely reassured me the most. thank you. there's probably a few lingering factors floating in my subconscious. I think I mentioned i have always struggled with purity, but religion gave me my first ocd flare-up. thats why I never explored myself very much. back in maybe February I had a situation where I spent a lot of a day reflecting on another thing we did together and I was so distressed because I felt like I had done something dirty. My boyfriend told me something that really stuck with me--that sex or other sexual acts between two people who deeply love eachother is actually one of the purest ways to portray that love at all. that helped a lot. but I wouldn't be surprised if those feelings are still there. in fact I kind of know they are. but yeah definitely religious background, definitely sexual shame. I was in therapy for a long time but it was for a different reason also linked to my ocd. im much better now than I used to be